A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up for ablout 3 days, it was basically a build up of various stresses and busy lifestyle and lack of communication, and also a lack of time for each other and said communication.We're not a couple who break up and get back together every 2 weeks, this is the first time anything like that has happened in our relationship. Things are better than ever, it really cleared the air and also taught us to appreciate each other more, and not to let things get to that stage.But one thing is niggling at me, his ex, who has caused alot of hassle in the past for us (trying to break us up, trying to mentally manipulate him into wanting her back etc), was straight on the scene texting and calling him the same night we broke up, it's like she has spies and knows his every move. He has always been open with me when she gets in contact, I don't feel threatened, I just have an unsettled feeling. She has a seemingly dysfunctional relationship with one of my boyfriends (ex) friends, and he was straight on the scene as well, texting my boyfriend, saying he supposed he wanted her back, was he going to steal his girlfriend, basically a load of rubbish.I don't want to appear insecure or controlling, but how do I handle this? She keeps popping up every so often, alot of the time when we have had an arguement or something, she seems to know, like I said earlier, his every move and pounces!Am I right in thinking this is odd?Sorry if it doesn't seem to have alot of definition, I guess I just needed to vent a bit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): Have you asked him to come right out and ask her to 'back off'? What was his reaction to that? Are you certain that he's not in contact with her everytime, you both have problems? I hope he's not... but if he is, he has to stop encouraging her. No man should turn their own relationship into a fiacscolike this, because it unbalances their partner. If she is doing this all on her own, then that 'unsettled' feeling you get, is still the 'unbalanced, fearful' feeling you have, hun.
If you know for certain he is in no way encouraging her, then you are dealing with a manipulative, troubled, needy ex gf. Every time you and your bf have troubles in your relationship and there's a chance you may split, she is thinking that she has a chance again. The only way you can likely end this with his ex gf..is for your bf to tell her outright, that irregardless of what happens with the two of you-he will not date her again. Period. He needs to give her the final word..give her some long overdue 'closure' so she will move on and find someone else that makes her happy. But other than that, you have no control over how other people conduct their lives. You only have control over what she does.. So my advice is to be honest with him and tell him that it unsettles you, to see how this woman hovers around like a vulture, ready to zoom in on him..at the first sign of trouble.
She doesn't sound satisfied with her own life and pining away for your bf, gives her hope and purpose. Sad, isn't it? And added to that, the confusion and pain that she's experiencing within herself and this other guy has got her looking for something that she desperately needs...happiness. She is going about it the wrong way. She has to find her own self-love and dignity, first. Only then, will she realize the futility of what she is doing and will have the strength abd pride to 'move on'. If she finds happiness and falls in love again herself, she will be more accepting of your bf's happiness with you. And one added note: Keep all your private affairs in your relationship...private. It's plain you have people in your social network that can't be trusted and they are possibly going to her with information.
A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 Though it's hard to be sure of exactly what's transpiring here, this is how I read this situation.
His ex-gf sounds like a woman who wants to be with men who are already accounted for, which is not entirely illogical since a man who is attached is likely doing something right to be able to hold the attention of a desirable woman. This ex is also likely to be fairly good at manipulating men if this is her personality and thus may have this ex-friend of your bf's under her thumb, so to speak. My guess is that when you two broke up, the ex-gf got wind of this through the ex-friend who likely has some mutual friends with your bf.
Whether the above interpretation is right or not, the solution remains the same. Your bf needs to make it clear that you are the woman he is interested in and no one else. He needs to make it clear to you and to the ex-gf and to the ex-friend. He needs to make it clear that he has no intention of ever getting back together with her (assuming that that's the truth) and that it's time for her to leave his life. You sadly do not have much control in this situation. You can threaten and shout all you'd like but since it'd impossible for you to monitor interactions between your bf and his ex, there's really no way you can deal with the history between his ex and him directly. Hopefully, your bf will stand up and clear out this situation.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 It is odd. All though she makes contact every so often, it is up to your boyfriend to let her know "DON'T CONTACT ME".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): How did your bf's ex know about you two falling out? If you read my answers you would know that i just HATE exs! They have been the bain of my life in the past. Are you sure that he didnt get in touch with her and let her know that you two had finished. If you two love each other and are open and honest with one another then you will conquer the ex situation. Make sure that she is pushed well and truly into the background and she doesnt get to know what you are both up to. Dont let friends poke their noses into anything either. Just enjoy your life together and try and forget that exs even exist.
take care
xx
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