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writes: I'm 20 and I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about 6 weeks ago. I havent had a good night sleep for the past couple of weeks because I keep thinking about the times when he was really horrible to me. He used to humiliate me and did a few things that were really awful. I haven't told anyone about the things he did because I feel embarrassed of what he did and ashamed that I stayed with him. My friends and family never liked him and could see how he treated me but I was blind to it. I have now met a new guy who I really like but taking it slow and not getting serious. He never puts me down like my ex did and makes me feel good and the sex is amazing. I have been friends with him a while and we hang out in the same crowd but I'm afraid of being in a relationship and getting hurt. I saw him last week and he was asking about my ex but I didnt want to talk about him and I think this has triggered me thinking about my past relationship. Thinking about it makes me upset, I couldnt get to sleep til 5am last night. How can I try to forget the bad experiences?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2005): Dear, I am sorry for what you have endured these past two years. You've been through hell and so many good, wonderful people like yourself, who have been abused often do experience short & long-term feelings and reactions which can cause a lot of distress. Some have flashbacks, sudden feelings of anxiety, an inability to concentrate or feel as though everything is somehow unreal. These reactions and feelings are a very, very normal reaction to a traumatic event or events. Some medical professionals refer to this as PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Now I am not saying you have this but it might be good to consider it as a possibilty and the only person who could help with this, is a therapist. The following are common symptoms experienced by people suffering from PTSD.
Flashbacks..re-experiencing a traumatic event, they act as a trigger to the abuse. Dreams/nightmares and sleep disturbances. These dreams can be in the form of re-enacting or changing what happened. Unresponsiveness to surroundings. During the abuse period, you may feel almost trance-like or ‘switch off’ and have to make a concerted effort to concentrate on your surrounding. Sudden fear or panic, often for no apparent reason and there are a host of other symptoms of PTSD.
Dear, not all abused persons experience all the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, most experience a number of these reactions. But if you do recognise yourself in several of the above, I suggest you seek some support to overcome these feelings. And never feel embarrassment or shame for the way you feel..you have endured something, no human should go through. Remember, you got away...and for that..hold yourself high because so many people never get away from abuse. Good for you, hun. Keep being strong and if you think these "feelings" are overwhelming, you just need some help in overcoming them. Keep being strong, keep healing and take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (28 October 2005):
 All the advice below is good, but I'd like to add one more point. I think it's a bad idea to rush into a new relationship before you're fully over the last one. I'm not saying don't see this man, but it would be a good idea to take things really really slowly, so that you can make sure you're OK in yourself. Otherwise, you may just be leaning on this new guy for support, and that's likely to cause problems in the future. Explain to him that you're still very fragile and you'd like to make sure that you're emotionally ready for another relationship, because you don't want to mess things up with him. I think he'll understand, and if he's a good guy he'll be willing to be there for you while you get yourself sorted out. Do fun things together that aren't too "relationshippy" - go for picnics and days out, see movies, try and keep things happy and light-hearted. This will help you keep this guy seperate in your mind from the last guy, and ensure you don't see him as 'another potential problem'. When you do get sad about the past, accept that you have been through hard times, but remind yourself that those times are behind you now and that you have done a really brave thing in getting to where you are. Good luck - it sounds like you're doing well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2005): I feel maybe you should arrange to see someone to talk through these things and there is nothing wrong with things really making an effect on you and your life its how you deal with it now that matters..dont push away new loves and chances of happiness because of one person that hurt you.
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female
reader, wishes +, writes (28 October 2005):
 I would highly recommend you seek out counselling services. These are usually free at community centres. You said that you dont feel comfortable telling anyone what he did to you, but a counsellor has heard it all and there is no need for you to feel embarrassed. There are also support groups for women who have been abused and a counsellor will be able to help you find one of these. You will then be able to talk to people who have been in the same situation as you and you WILL realise eventually that you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. Try to talk to your new partner, as much as you can. Keep the communication open between you both even if you dont feel comfortable telling him everything. I dont think you will get through this until you start talking. I know that its scary to talk to a stranger, but counsellors are qualified at talking through issues and will be able to help to forget or work through your experiences. Best wishes, stay positive and keep smiling! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2005): Here's what you need to do. Go out and have some fun, meet some new people. Put the past behind you. and only go on the future.
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female
reader, Chado_Neyna +, writes (28 October 2005):
try thinking about the good times with your new bf instead, for every bad thought you have come back with a good 1 about your new relationship:)
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female
reader, experienced +, writes (28 October 2005):
Whether you have suffered physical or mental abuse the trauma has left problems that will not disappear overnight. 6 weeks is not long. I was in an abusive relationship (both mental and physical abuse) which ended 17 years ago. I still have problems. Maybe those problems wouldn't be so bad if i had not tried to bury my head in the sand.
I strongly advise you to seek help from someone who understands. Talk about your abuse. Dont just try to hide from it because at some point it will all flood back to haunt you.
Dont think that you can ignore your worries in the hope they will just go away. I can assure you that wont happen.
The best advice I can give is that if you find yourself in a new serious relationship then tell your new partner what you have suffered. If your partner loves you, he will understand and help you overcome your problems.
Never forget that what happened in your abusive relationship was not your fault. You didnt ask nor deserved to be abused.
I wish you well
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2005): Talking about those bad experiences is the very best way to get them out, package them up and put them away. If you can, talk to the new man in your life about this. He needs to know what happened so he will recognize whenever you appear reluctant to do something that your action may be as a result of the abuse you experienced in the past, and not a reaction to him. He may be able to help you through those bad times, and help you gain a new, health relationship with him. Good Luck.
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