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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I am married but am really attracted to another guy. We are good friends - worked together, have since left my job, so at least the temptation is not so much there. I know for a fact if this person asked me out(I know he had feelings for me)i am not sure whether i could say no, he is alot older than me and is not someone i would have ever considered as a partner, but the strong feelings are there. The physical side of my marriage is practically non existent...and we are only married 6 months and i really dont think this is going to change. I always felt that if you really loved someone, you would not be looking elsewhere, that you would not be interested in other guys? I dont want to hurt him..really i dont! Please help..... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, sroper70  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 As the question was written over 4 years ago Id be keen to hear what happened in the end!
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male
reader, WyreWizard  +, writes (23 December 2010):
10 years ago, I was victimized by a married woman who claimed to love me. But she didn't. She was just sexually attracted to me. I learned 2 things from that. If a married woman says she loves you, its a blatant lie. And sexual attraction is temporary. I learned that the hard way. Your feelings for him will fade. Give it time, sweetie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I am in the same postion right now. I have a man at work that does all of those things my husband used to do. He is that guy who asks me to dinner and walks me to my car. My husband and I have been married for only one year and I love him more and more each day. Just last night I told him about the feelings I was having and how i felt guilty because I would not act on them and yet they made me excited to think about another man wanting me. My husband and I talked it out and he understood where I was coming from. He told me that we needed to get the love back in our relationship and needed to spend special time together. Being attracted to others is natural, but please dont act on it. I was so close to fulfilling what I thought i needed but after we spoke last night I got what I needed from my husband....attention.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): well...i am in the same situation. i go to the gym everyday so that i am "sexy' but i still cant manage to get my husband to want me...I am 24, 5'7 and weigh in at 124.I know that having two kids and work puts space between a couple but now this other guy is showing me all of the things i long for and i am lost...my husband and i WERE very open sexually we even had a woman join us once...to me that was horrible, to watch ur husband have sex with another woman right in front of you...it made me want the other guy that much more what should i do???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): The thrill of the chase, the secret intimate moments, the excitment of someone wanting you sexually, when you dont feel your husband does anymore, the glow you get when think of it and finally the sex itself!............and then what? sure it might last a while but do you love him like you obviously do your husband, can it last through the normality of everyday life, living with each other, can you live with guilt of the hurt you caused, the loss of your self respect. You need to give your marriage a chance, and that takes trust and dedication on both parts. Have you considering couples counselling for the sexual problems, having an outside voice may help communication between you, and find out whats going wrong.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): I am young .... Not married .... But believe me I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. Went away on a trip and ended up sleeping with a good friend. I had so many morals against people who cheated on there partners and felt such a hypocrite. I told my boyfriend and we are still together ... I dont know how ... but im soo grateful. If you lost your husband over a little fling, how would you feel?. I still look elsewhere and fancy others but its only natural. Good luck ... remember the grass is always greener on the other side.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): Oh you poor thing! dont go there! Im inthe same boat but I love my hubby too much to hurt him. Work it through with your husband. Find the things that initially attracted you to him and rekindle that! it works bekieve me. Move away from this other guy esp if you feel like you want to jump inot bed with him. If it were just an easy little attraction then its easy to handle but if its as deep as calling you to bed with him then hey presto stave off! Best wishes! Chhotz
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): Dont go there. You have a husband, you know you dont want to hurt him so dont! Dont just seek out someone else work on it with your husband. Choosing an easy route like having sex with someone else will damage the poor man, plus lets face it you know that its wrong. Having a problem doesnt mean that you should shy away from it. You think this is the first problem your marrage will have? Life is not without problems so you should expect them and deal with them. Work on it with your husband. It'll be better than the guilt of sex with another man and you'll be a better person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): To answer your question is easy, but to follow though on advice from someone you don't know is hard!... There will be advice that you receive that makes sense and there will be advice that you just don't want to hear... I do think that it will be a one way solution, you need to work on your marriage...!!! I was looking for a cure for my marriage and after reading people's comments on your question, my question has been answered, you need to work on your marriage before you turn to someone else.. Yeah might be attracted to someone else, but do you think maybe chase is involved in your feelings? do you think honestly that person feels the same for you as you feel for them? that is what you need to think about.. work on the problem that has caused you to turn to someone else before you burn your bridge!.. Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006): Sex is sex and love is love. I honestly believe, after 10 years of marriage and being completely faithful the entire time that you can have a physical relationship with another person whilst remaining intimate with your partner. I will be faithful, only because my conscience couldn't allow me not to be. But if you can live with what you do and any consequences resulting from it, then I don't see the problem.
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reader, dorfmeistersfan +, writes (2 December 2006):
 You don't need to work on your marriage...You didn't work on your marriage when you two first met and thought you two were happy for each other.
Well, attraction is normal and may not be acceptable by society or the rules of marriage. What you need to work on is not your marriage but a conscious reality in your mind of 'how would you feel about yourself and husband within any future time of your marriage; if you did have a history of cheating on your him?'
If you don't a conscious relity or reaction to this idea, then I must say appreciate your attractive feelings for this person and if it leads further, consider it a remarkable experience as long as there is no post-conscious thought.
Good Luck,
Dorfmeistersfan
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reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (1 December 2006):
 You need to work on your marriage first. Bring some sexy ideas into your relationship. If you married this guy, you must have fancied something about him at some point.
The fact that you are attracted to someone else is a sympton that there is something wrong in marriage not the cause.
Perhaps low sex life has driven you to think that the grass is greener on the other side. This does not normally happen overnight and is no grounds for divorce or affairs. If hubby was not at the same level sexually as you, you must have decided to accept him the way he was.
In a marriage, making love sessions can sometimes reduce although within six months seems quick to me. Talk to your husband and work out whatever issues underlie there that have reduced your affection for each other. Remember it takes two to tango, his libido may be low but what have you done lately to boost it?
You have two choices, either make a go of marriage and stop seeing this guy or divorce your husband. It will hurt your husband more to find out later that you stayed with him out of pity. Hope you find a way to put it right for all of you. Whatever you decide be strong xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): Well, different individuals 'fall in love' in different ways, with different ideas of what love might be. Often, people associated an intense amount of lust and desire to love. Of course, there is a lot of detailing involved to what I just said, but rather than type out an essay, I'll say that marriage isn't made out for everyone, based around the original idea of marriage.
With that said, Wicked Weasel has made a point about great friendship between lovers. Physical affection is a part of most types of intimate relationships, at least the ones I have experienced or have witnessed. This doesn't always relate to sex, but there is the touch of pleasure that leads to physical and mental/emotional excitement and comfort.
If your husband isn't giving you enough physical attention, then you can consider doing something else about it. That is, if you have already talked to your husband about it and he does nothing. Then again, if you are sexually incompatible with your husband, then you should also consider divorcing him.
Marriage is not an universal medium. Just because you acquire your certificate of marriage, it doesn't mean you two do not have your own criteria of what that marriage entails. If this relationship isn't working for you, I highly suggest you leave and find yourself a better suited person to fulfill your desires.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): I think the first respondent to your question and you have a lot in common, you ae both shallow, superficial people. You do not realize that love is a conscious decision, one that you make to love someone else....physical attraction is always a catalyst for love and friendship, and I am sure that it was present in both of your relationships with your marriage partners or you would have never found yourself married, but somehow, now that the relationship is a secure, sure thing, you have lost the physical attraction or the passion for your mates...this is because you probably never made a concious decision to love your partners, but were somehow under the misquided belief that you were swept away by love based on all the gooey physical feelings that were present for you both in the first stages of your relationships....these feelings always pass, and then you finally have the chance to develop a real relationship that is based on someting deeper, a mental, intellectual, emotional and spiritual connection with another....someone who shares your values as well, a real and lasting love. Once you make that connection with another, it is your hearts and minds that make for mind blowing sex, not your groins....
If you never achieved this stage with your partners, then I don't know what to tell you, you may have rushed into marriage blindly and chose the wrong person for you, or you may have chosen wisely, but are just blind to what love is, and are superficially drawn to these others for pure sexual reasons,,,,,and the thrill of the chase....
If you want to find out the real deal, I think you would be wise to stop seeking the attention of the other person, and start turning towards your marriage partner and try to make it work...seek outside help, as this may allow you to figure out your feelings and get back on track.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2006): Please dont be tempted - once you have made the choice to cheat you cannot go back - please dont go down that path - it will lead you to lose self respect, feel you have no values and be so unhappy with yourself - you will make the situation with your marriage so much more complicated and difficult if you have an affair - it may seem to be exciting and fulfilling at first but it will lead to pain and heartache - do your best to repair your marriage first - if you give it your all and it fails then you can look for another relationship. One relationship at a time...
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reader, eddie  +, writes (30 November 2006):
If you don't get a grip, you're doomed to cheat, just as the other person who responed to your letter did. It's hard to work on a marriage when you've already decided you'd like to taste the forbidden fruit. That is exactly what you did when you were flirting with the other man. I mean how can your sex life be dead after six months of married. Somebody is not trying. I'd bet it's you too considering you've got this other guy on your mind. No wonder you're not initiating with your husband. Most women need to be mentally stimulated before they are sexually aroused. So, if your being mentally stimulated by some other guy, how can you expect to feel the same way with your husband. Your poor husband has lost the raace before he even started. The sad part is, he probably doesn't even know he's competing for your affection. The deck is stacked against him and the other guy knows he has the upper hand. That is because you've given the other guy sognals you're interested. It's a dirty little game.
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reader, wicked weasel +, writes (30 November 2006):
Wow. I'm in exactly the same position as you are, except that I've been married for two years now and I actually "dated" the girl once. Here's what I'm doing:
I discovered that the lack of physical attraction to my wife allowed me to fall in love with this other girl. I told my wife we need to work on this if we want our marriage to succeed. I did not tell her about my feelings for the other girl yet. If I can somehow feel physically attracted to my wife again, there's no reason for me to leave her as I love with all my heart. However, should it fail to improve, then I am not willing to spend the next 50 years regretting a decision I made when I was 23 (marriage). As far as I'm concerned, the physical part is what essentially separates a relationship from an excellent friendship, hence I can't settle for a marriage without it.
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