A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A gentleman in my workplace has been increasingly attentive. He is a little older and happily married. I love having a strong work ally I respect him and his commitment to his family.I have found myself having thoughts about him. At points I wondered what might happen.I wonder if I allowed these thoughts because I thought him totally safe and off limits? A crush. He is not my usual ‘type’ if there is such a thing but has a manner which I think has contributed to the feelings developing. I don’t trust easily and started to trust him.I’ve stopped anything that could be seen as flirting and after some stupid hiccups social contact is minimal. I have never had a work based affairs. If I’m honest, this is the closest and I’m cautious not to. I don’t know about him. It’s not like I could or would ask.I need to re build boundaries. I have said that I’ve struggled and apologised if I contributed to things being more intense.Is it even possible to keep the friendship and exceptionally caring support he has given me at work or am I hoping too much? I can’t leave my job so have to have contact. I want things far more balanced than they are. It is effecting my work life. Is that possible?
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affair, at work, crush, flirt, married man, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, jankantius  +, writes (25 July 2019):
I am attracted to lots of women and have never cheated on my wife. It is fun to know that people are interested even if nothing comes of it. Take it as a compliment.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I think there is clearly something I need but do need to look in the right place. I am very respectful of his situation and would not allow anything to escalate. I wondered if balance could be achieved and maybe it will but for now I’m retreating and having a break from the informal support.
I will look to build some alliances elsewhere and will look for whatever that was, outside of work.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 July 2019):
 OP, you are 100% correct. This situation is not one to pursue. Its NEVER wise to get involved with someone that you work with ESPECIALLY if they are married. You know all this and I'm sure you must realize the consequences if you were to pursue your feelings and the man returned them. So the answer is...DON'T!
Every time you see him or think of him remember "HE IS MARRIED. I HAVE TO WORK WITH HIM"..and don't allow your thoughts to stray any further.
It sounds as though you are lonely and need companionship but don't look for that at work. Get a new hobby, seek out single friends do what you need to do but don't go looking for romance at work.
He obviously displays qualities that you find attractive and that is drawing you to him BUT..other single men have those qualities as well.
Stay businesslike/polite of course but do not encourage any type of behavior that could be misconstrued in any way shape or form to encourage this married man. I honestly don't think that you can really even be "friends" since you have a crush/interest in him. I'd make it strictly all business nothing else.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 July 2019):
 I would suggest putting yourself in his wife's shoes and asking yourself how comfortable you would if with the relationship you two have if YOU were the wife. I would suspect the answer would be "not very comfortable".
I would also suggest remembering that, IF anything happened between you and his wife found out, the proverbial would hit the fan in a big way. He would probably drop you like a hot potato and put all the blame for the affair squarely on your shoulders. Your work colleagues (and bosses?) would take a dim view of the situation and could make your life uncomfortable.
We cannot help who we feel attracted to but we can certainly control what we do about it. You already know this would not be a good idea, hence why you have tried to redefine boundaries. Stay strong in that resolve, even if it means distancing yourself from him (at least for a while).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2019): Yes it is possible to get your balance back but first you need to become aware of the fact that for some reason you wanted this to happen, otherwise it wouldn't have. Why? Do you feel lonely? You say nothing about yourself.
People like to think that romantic lives are simply "above our control", but it is not true. It's an excuse. You stopped "anything that could be seen as flirting"? Well, whatever COULD BE SEEN almost always IS flirting.
So, well done!
But, why did you flirt with a married man in the first place? I'm not being a moralist here, I couldn't care less about any codes or shoulds and musts. I'm asking this because, it tells a lot about you, not as a person but where you are at this moment.
You say that a gentlemen has been paying attention to you and that that is what triggered the whole thing. I have to ask again, are you lonely? We could be surrounded with friends, colleagues, even have a partner and still feel "not seen".
Unless you find the underlying issue, you risk to break the boundaries later on, you may build now.
As Honeypie has said, look for romance elsewhere. Do not ignore your needs.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 July 2019):
 Maybe you should TRY and look for romance outside of the work place.
That way if you find someone who CAN actually BE a partner in life, someone who is SINGLE like you that you can build a future with, this older coworker will be less tempting and interesting.
Also, it's a matter of self control and common sense, OP
You know it would be a bad idea and he IS married which ought give you another "layer" of reasons WHY to leave him alone.
You are in your 40's so should be OLD enough to know better.
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