A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically I'm at breaking point with my best friend. I had a really difficult time during high school, I had no friends, I met this girl, and we became best friends almost immediately, and that was 10 years ago. The last 4 years have been so dodgey though.I love her to bits, this is why it's so hard. It started with her not having time for me, being stressed, having other places to be, and now she doesn't even give me a reason not to meet up.I moved 300 miles away from her about a year ago, and she has not ONCE visited me, I've had to go up on my holidays, and over a space of two weeks she saw me once, and even then, she used me as a therapist and then complained about being ill when the fun started, and left. I've had a difficult few years, but whenever I need her she disappears off the face of the earth for months, then comes back with an issue for me to solve for her. Like she complains that she has no money, but works a full time job, and lives with her parents, and because of having no money she can't go out with anyone (i.e. me). She then complains that she has absolutely no friends and honestly... I feel like saying no wonder! She's a terrible person. :/Like her boyfriend just dumped her, and me, the best friend, was the last to hear about it! She then went on to say "It's easy for you, your life is perfect" LOL this honestly just proves that she doesn't know a single thing about me. The only thing that's holding me with her is the fact that I know there's some good in her, I miss how she was before, fun! She's my last tie to my past, everyone has friends from their schools, I don't, I just have her and if I end the friendship with her, I have no ties to my past at all. :(I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): A lot of friendships don't last past highschool or university. I hate to start a sentence this way, but you are at the age where friendships from your childhood and young adulthood will start to drop off and wither.
I've lost friends from highscool at 18 promptly when I left. I've lost friends from university at 30. This isn't to say that these sorts of relationships can't last, but the majority of people you meet at these places won't be part of your day to day adult life.
I've also come to the personal conclusion that there is no such thing as a "best friend" at least for me (...though this could be true for you). I believe there are degrees and particular ways in which you are comfortable with other people. That's the benefit of having a lot of friends. Some people bring out your goofy side. Some people bring out your thoughtful side. Some people you just like to do certain activities with that you both enjoy: play cards, running, drinking, etc. Even towards people who you rank as particularly special in your life, a partner or a spouse, you have to have boundaries with if you respect them. You can't spill your guts about yourself all the time or have unedited conversations about everything. It's not fair to them and their needs. It sounds as if this woman has very few boundaries and not all that much respect for you.
You seem to have tethered yourself to being this woman's "best friend" at expense to yourself. While it does seem she does dump on you all the time, don't you think it's a bit hypocritical to call her your best friend and simultaneously think she's a "terrible person"? I wouldn't say your conflict is about being honest with her, I would say it's about being honest with yourself. You don't like this woman, so stop spending time with her and being her blanket. Ask her to change the dialogue. Or just make an excuse not to spend time with her. It's as easy as that.
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