A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My marriage of 12 years broke down and as soon as I was financially stable enough I moved out to give our relationship complete space. I had never lived on my own before and found it quite a struggle emotionally. I met up with my husband once a week over a cup of tea but these get togethers were often tense and I felt often like I was just doing this because I couldn't let go and I still find it hard to accept things went so wrong. During the last 18 months of living like this I met a lovely guy, who knew my situation, but was willing to give things a go if I was. I wanted to find happiness again and in the main this relationship was fantastic - we had fun and yet we took it seriously and we fell in love. This guy was recently re-located with work overseas to New Zealand - a possibility that had been on the cards for a long time. Because I am not yet divorced and had not known him long enough in my opinion to move straight out there with him I am still in the UK and feel very miserable. I miss him greatly. My boyfriend wants me to move with him and is getting more and more impatient waiting for an answer. To add to it my husband has now approached me and said he regrets the breakdown and wonders if we should try again. The trouble is I had built a new life with this guy. I cannot help but admit I have feelings for both men but they are very different feelings. I know that I am being weak but I cannot straighten my head out. I know my husband very well, but I have spent many unhappy years with him. I often felt restricted but learnt to be content with less emotion and more materialism. I wish things were different and cannot seem to let go of the early good memories we had. On the other hand I have a chance at a new life with someone who makes me feel like I can be myself, puts me first but is less financially stable and I don't know that well. I can't really do that easily now he is so far away and he wants commitment from me. I know some people may say I should be with neither but the thing that is overwhelming me is that if I try and make a go of it with my husband once again there is no going back. I feel in such a mess. Any advice, harsh or otherwise, would be much appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): I think you need to break off from your husband completely. If it didn't work out the first time round it's unlikey to be a success a second time.New Zealand is a hell of a long way away and if it didn't work out you'd have a lot more rebuilding of your life to do. Why not go out there for an extended holiday first - say a couple of months. You might like the place but equally you might detest it. You might find him a joy to live with or a complete pain in the a**e. At least you will have a return ticket! If matey over there is keen enough on you he won't try to force you into anything you're not sure about and be willing to give you the time and space to decide for yourself.Phil
A
female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (16 August 2007):
 You say that your marriage broke down and I wonder if you and your husband have spoken about and dealt with what caused the breakdown in the first place.
While you still have emotions for your husband, I think it would be a huge mistake to relocate to another country. You have unfinished business to take care of, and it's also not fair on your boyfriend. Does he know you still feel for your husband? He may think by pushing you to go with him, that it would break your connection with him, but I can assure you that no amount of distance will fix this issue, and you will end up resenting him. If anything ruins a relationship quickly it's resentment...I've been there!
I may be wrong but I feel there's life yet in your marriage. Tell him what you want changing, ie room to be yourself. Besides there is going back. If things don't change, you still are able to walk away. You've managed to to it once, so you know you can do it :-) I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (16 August 2007):
 You should not have to learn to be content in a relationship, you should be happy and yourself at all times, you say you spent many unhappy years with your husband and when you do meet up it is very tense, does your husband know about the other man?, could it be this that is making him now say he wants you to make ago of things.
It obviously took you along time to get out of your marrital home so why would you want to go back if you were that unhappy.
Your boyfriend, ok less financially stable makes you feel as though you can be yourself and you said you are in love with him.
Are there any children to be considered in this situation?
Take care.xx.
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