A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I am taking the time in advance for taking the time to read my agony and for any help you may provide. I also apologize for the lenghty paragraph.I am at a crossroads. I have an ex husband who I was with for 6 years and we have a child together. At the moment I also have a boyfriend who I have been with for over a year and I love very very much. I think you can guess what my dilemma is.. I love this new man in my life even though we have had our struggle dealing with a little bit of a long distance but we manage to keep moving forward. But i have an ex husband that with out intention keeps pulling me back. I feel like i love my boyfriend but NEED my ex husband. Does that even make sense? My boyfriend is amazing and a great man who any woman would love to have so what is wrong with me? My ex husband and I were very much in love but we literally wanted to kill each other at times (not that normal marriage fights but out of hand fights) and in the end we decided it was not a healthy relationship and split up. He has tried numerous time to reconnect but I have been skeptical about it. Now I'm realizing that maybe just MAYBE I would rather try with my ex even if that means i have to deal with fight after fight then live an almost stress free life with my current boyfriend. The problem is they BOTH tell me they love me and are ready to move forward and start a life. Well my boyfriend is. My ex wants to pick back up were we left off and make things better. I know that whatever happens, one of them is going to get hurt. I know I'm in the wrong for not cutting my ex completely off and for continuing my relationship with boyfriend while being uncertain of my feelings but I do not want to continue making these mistakes. As a very emotional and confused woman it is the most difficult thing to think clearly when your thoughts are being clouded by your feelings. I need help.. what do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (11 April 2014):
 You don't have to choose either one. Why not take some time out for yourself without either of them to decide what you really want... or who you really love?Do you remember why you and your ex were always fighting? Can those issues be resolved or worked on with a marriage counselor before jumping back into a relationship with him? I do believe it'd be ideal if you can see a marriage counselor and work out your problems and become a family again with your ex and child. But the problems definitely needs to be addressed prior to getting back together or it will harm the child even more. If after some time alone and thinking on your own, you decide that the one you truly love is your new BF, then go for it. Hoping you will always still be a part of your child's life and your new BF can accept and love your child as his own.Best of luck!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 April 2014):
 May I edit your submittal to give it a bit more clarity???
You write: "I am at a crossroads...."
I suggest you write: "I find it impossible - or, at least stressful - to consider my life without a "man-friend" or "boyfriend".... so I struggle with which of my currently-available "manfriend/boyfriends" to make my life with. Is it possible that there is some kind of life that exists WITHOUT a man-friend/boyfriend, in which a woman can survive?????"
The answer to that new question is, "yes." AND, the answer to that question - and you following it - will make the remainder of your life to a lot better....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 April 2014):
Obviously, picking things up where you and your ex left off would be crazy. Why don't the two of you work on the problems that led you to want to kill each other. Is an environment like that healthy for your child?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): OP you said it yourself, being with your ex just means fighting. You know very well you and he don't work.
I agree with the others, I think you're romanticising the past and somehow convincing yourself it'd be worth it, well if it was worth it, OP, you'd never have left.
The big thing here for me, OP, is not you, it's the one and most major consideration in this whole thing which you haven't really addressed; your child.
I'm sorry OP, but as a mother you don't just get to decide to jump right back into a toxic relationship with very serious fighting involved, regardless if it's with your child's father.
You may be willing to accept that, but it's not an acceptable situation to bring a child into. Trust me, OP, I've been that child. It's soul crushing and no matter how much you try, you cannot shield the child from the effects of two adults killing each other.
"I would rather try with my ex even if that means i have to deal with fight after fight then live an almost stress free life with my current boyfriend."
Not 'I', OP, 'we', you and your child will have to deal with that shit.
OP we can say for certain and if you think long and hard even you can say for certain getting back with your ex would not work, regardless of whether you're a mother or not. But as a mother you don't have the luxury of that risk.
You just cannot justify thrusting your child into a situation were mammy and daddy are killing each other. You can't take that child into a relationship that will fail again, and yet again that child's perfect family unit has to break up again.
You say you love your new guy, you say he brings stability and a complete lack of drama. Then why are you allowing your ex to keep holding on, why won't you let go?
OP the one who stands to lose the most in all this is your child. You and your ex's primary responsibility is as parents and I have no doubt you both take that with the utmost seriousness. Well what's best for the child is what must happen here. At the moment you're civil, things are okay even if you're both acting like teenagers and emotionally cheating on your boyfriend.
You need to make a choice as to how best to move forward as parents. You don't work in a relationship, you can't fuck with your kids emotions by throwing the possibility of mammy and daddy being a family again only for it to all fall apart again. You don't have the luxury of experimentation here.
In your position, OP I wouldn't have let your ex believe there was any possibility of us being together again and if it happened to be that way and I was where you are now; I'd make the decision that what's the best for the child is that we decide to never talk about being in a relationship again and put a complete, 100% end to that possibility right now.
You don't work, you can't just hope things will be okay, just like you can't use "hope" to ever justify putting your child at risk in anything in life.
To me the decision would be the easiest in the world. I would not risk destroying my child emotionally on the off chance I can play happy families with a person who wants to make things right after we get back together. You don't even know how that will happen, in fact you know it'll just be fighting again because you and he don't work.
You need to think like a mother here, OP, not like a young with a choice. In my mind there is no choice here, nothing you want in life is even nearly worth risking your child's emotional well-being on, nothing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2014):
 I think Auntie BimBim is right.
If you have so much conflict in who to pick, then neither are good for you.
You have a weird co-dependency with your ex husband, where you mistake DRAMA for passion. You think because you two fight a lot, you must LOVE each other a lot, not necessarily true.
I don't think there is any "normal" marriage fighting. There are disagreements in every kind of relationship, from friendship to marriage, no doubt. But fighting should never be the norm. Fighting in a marriage means the communication sucks, deep insecurities or loads of immaturity or the people are a rotten match.
You ex wants to pick up where you two left off.... (and try and make it better this time) I doubt it will be better. UNLESS you two have RESOLVED the issues that MADE you two divorce, it's NOT going to be better second time around. Maybe in the beginning, but you will BOTH fall in to familiar patterns. However this time, as soon as the fighting starts back up, you will start to also resent the ex for "choosing" him over this good guy BF.
And if you choose your BF you will at some point, if you find yourself a little unhappy or restless, start to resent the BF for YOU choosing the BF over the ex. You don't even CARE enough for your current BF to respect this relationship.
So it's really a loss/loss.
My question to you is, why do you think it's OK to hang on to your ex-husband while dating another guy? For your ex to ask you to start over, when he knows you are seeing someone else means you tow have fairly intimate talks. Those kind of subjects and topics are surely not the norm for people who are divorced and "claim" to have moved on.
Both guys seems like a bad choice.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (11 April 2014):
 You know, I don't think that there has to be an ex or current boyfriend choice to make here but I DO think you might need to take some time out for yourself, on your own, instead.
It is very easy to get caught up in the feelings for a past love, especially when you share so much history and a child together but as a previous poster said - your past is your past for a reason and you already know in your heart that the fighting was not good for you - and it would not be a good environment for your child, either, if things were to just go back to how they were - which it usually does.
As for the current boyfriend, I wonder how much he is someone you want to be with and how much he was a rebound following the break-up with your husband?
I am not suggesting that you don't love your boyfriend but that it can be very different every time you love someone and the grass really is always greener no matter where you are in life - you almost always what something you don't have and would probably be wondering what-if if you were back with your husband and not with your current fella.
I am curious to know how much time there was between you leaving your husband and you getting with the current guy - did you take some time for yourself (a long enough time for yourself) in between to rediscover who you were and what you wanted/needed?
I would consider whether you really want to be with the man you are with now and if you do not then that is OK, but going back to your ex is not the best idea, either.
If anything, I would just take some time out for yourself and really think about what you want for YOU and where YOU want to go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 April 2014):
 If you are so conflicted do the smart thing and don't chose either of them.
Your ex is an ex for a reason, and after such a long period of time since you split you will never be able to go back to some idyllic moment in the past. Too much water has passed under the bridge.
As for your boyfriend if you are even considering dumping him for an ex your love does not seem to be the enduring sort.
Give them both a miss, it is possible to live a fulfilling life without a man in it you know, maybe try it for 12 months or so, and then decide which direction you want to take, hopefully one without either of these men in it.
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