A
female
age
36-40,
*amella
writes:A few months ago, a friend in my social circle had been flirting with me. Things progressed, and we made out, fooled around a few times. I'm a virgin and didn't really want my first time to be casual sex, as he continually stated how he just wanted to have fun. I knew at the time he was sleeping with another girl, Jessie, and he kept telling me that she was too clingy and that he shouldn't be with her for a variety of reasons.Finally, I decided to have sex with him, and although it wasn't the most pleasant experience, I really did like him and wanted to explore further with him. These events occurred over about 1 month, and every time we were alone, he would act like he adored me, and then when we were with other friends, it was like I didn't even exist (these other friends included Jessie, and he would treat her like an actual girlfriend).After the first and only time I had sex, I texted him twice to see if he wanted to hang out again (up until this point, he had been the one to initiate everything), and he ignored the first one, was possibly busy the second time. I waited to see if he would contact me, and he never did. We didn't see each other again for another month (and only because our common social group was all hanging out), and suddenly he was acting like I'm his best buddy...yet more like one of his guy friends, completely platonic. I also find out he's still sleeping with Jessie, and they may as well have been in a relationship for how much time time they spend together.I didn't want to start drama since we had so many mutual friends, so I just kept quiet about it and played along like nothing had ever happened. At one point, we were hanging out alone (awkwardly avoiding discussion of sex) and Jessie booty called him, quite obviously. I make like I'm going to leave since it seems pretty clear what they were going to do, and he keeps delaying me until she actually arrives. Then, as I REALLY start picking up my keys, putting my coat on, he will NOT stop talking to me and starting new conversations....generally acting like the 3 of us are going to hang out and be best friends.So why did he even bother with me in the first place? I have a feeling he wasn't comfortable teaching a virgin, but he knew that from the first time we ever made out....why keep contacting me? I don't get many chances to speak with him alone, and I'm too shy to bring up the topic myself. I'm just really angry, hurt and confused and would like some insight into his behavior!
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best friend, booty call, flirt, shy, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): What's the dilemma here? You sought out a known player, had no-commitment sex with him, and now you are acting hurt when he continues to still be a player. Grow up. You knowingly did this to yourself every step of the way. Take some responsibility for your own actions.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 November 2009):
 this young man is a prat and used you for sex. I am sorry you lost your virginity to such a one, dont beat ourself up over this, believe me you have dont nothing wrong, the fault here all lies with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): Wow, not a great situation for you to be in.. I feel for you considering you made the decision to loose your virginity to this guy. Sounds to me like you were convenient at the time.. Who knows what the deal was with them at the time but maybe he wasn't getting what he wanted from her, or maybe it was something to do with him perceiving you as less clingy? Either way it sounds like he's kinda using you for whatever feels right for him at a given time. I don't know how old you are but these kind of little clique's and social circles can be very fickle. The important thing is that you made the decision to sleep with him knowing that he wasn't the love of ur life ect and it sounds like you were intelligent enough to make the decision rationally, what i mean is that you were under no illusions about this guy so don't let it upset you. Don't take his behavior to be a reflection upon you, rather it is a reflection upon himself...
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (14 November 2009):
 There are a couple of things that could be going on here but really the only one who can give you the truth you need is him. We can all only give you ideas.
He doesn't have your best interests at heart or he would not have had sex with you and then abandoned you. You are in the same social circle so you need to have the discussion about your relationship with him. My guess is that he is just looking for a good time with perhaps both you and Jesse. If he is with Jesse as a girlfriend then he isn't being good to her either. He kept calling you because he wanted to have sex. He is now flirting with you because he wants sex again.
If you want a solid relationship with someone who cares about you, this is not the guy. Perhaps he thinks all is well with the two of you and that you wanted this "fling" and that you are ok with this relationship. If you are not, then you should just tell him. You could say something like "look, we had the one fling but that's just not who I am. If we are to be friends, then we need to be platonic and put that memory behind us."
Perhaps he has put the memory behind and is trying to be your friend. If you can't do this and if you want more with him, then you need to tell him. There is no harm is stating what you want and going after it. Just realize that you might not get it. But it sure is a lot better to know up front than to pursue something over time that could never be. You'll hurt more and you will have wasted precious time.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, honky tonk  +, writes (14 November 2009):
confront him and ask him directly what is this crap thing you are doing to me.
being shy wont solve the problem.
its a matter of your life.
if you don't get satisfactory any answers, dump him for good. you seem like a good girl and he is nowhere near to being good.
maybe he is just using you as a device to make Jessica jealous.
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