A
female
age
30-35,
*ixiePie
writes:I need help, i thought i was coping but i'm really not. I had a miscarriage, found out nearly 2 weeks ago and apart from the initial shock and then the tears when it sank in, it hadn't really affected me. But i've noticed myself drifting away from my partner and i can't stop it. Then last night i was finding little things to pick on and get upset over when it got round to trying again. Thats when it touched a nerve. I don't want to try again, i don't want to have to put myself, or him, through this again. I believe that the reason we lost it is because of some genetic flaw we have (we are cousins) and i don't want to harm any potential child we create. It doesn't mean it won't cause me a hole in my heart, but what else can i do? i can't risk it.Basically i'm just not coping, i can't think straight i go off on tangents etc. I'm refusing to see him at the moment and i'm barely speaking to him.I started off this question wanting to know what to do to bring myself and my partner closer, and now i find myself resenting him so not caring.I'm a mess and need help, in my heart of hearts i don't want him hurting anymore.
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female
reader, Emaz help +, writes (12 May 2010):
 im sure he cares, but is just dealing with it in a different way. I had a miscarriage and i totally understand how upsetting it is, at first i werent that bothered, but then it just clikced a few weeks later and i had a breakdown so just know that how you're feeling is natural. Try to sit your partner down and talk about it together, it will bring you closer. After this you should see your gp and then a counselor to help you get throigh it, i did the mistake of not doing either of these things and now i worry that i might not be able to have children incase the misscarriage caused a complication.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): I'm so sorry for your loss. Let me share what worked for my wife and I. We went through five miscarriages (first trimester)after the birth of our first child. When we were open to friends and relatives, we were surprised at how many other people had been through at least one miscarriage. We took long baths together and talked about it together. We went together to a psychologist who deals in these issues. It was just a one-time "check-up" type visit to see if we were on the right track but we would have gladly continued the appointments if needed. We held our own little ceremony for the first two lost babies. Do what you think is right to mourn your loss.Please talk about this with your partner. You are hurting and he is hurting too. As a man, it's hell that you can't protect your wife from this and you feel powerless. Unfortunately, a lot of guys don't want to show their emotions and avoid talking about it. Let him know that you need his help to get through this by talking together.If you want kids, don't give up. You'll probably need some time to heal and to work through this together first. You are both young and that is a very big factor in your favour. If you are worried about genetic problems, see if your doctor can arrange a referral for genetic testing to at least rule this out and ease your mind. Most miscarriages are due to random mutations. Having one miscarriage does not necessarily mean you will have another. That said, I know how scared you'll be during the next pregnancy but you can get through it. There is hope. After five miscarriages in a row, we were blessed with two more healthy children (two separate pregnancies). It turned out my wife needed to be on a blood thinner to prevent clots from forming in the placenta (her antibodies attacking the placenta). We had to ask lots of questions and had to seek the help of a second fertility specialist when the first told us "oh you don't need that test".Again, sorry for your loss. I hope the two of you can work through this together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 I suggest you call your doctor and have him refer you to a counselor. It is pretty natural to go though a roller coaster of emotions ( and don't forget the hormonal surge from pregnancy) you need to deal with this the sooner the better.
You can also be genetically tested. It might not be a bad idea.
*Huge Hugs*
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