A
male
age
41-50,
*imLSY
writes:I'm in an emotional mess and slowly moving on from for all I know, the messiest break up that I have ever heard of happening to anyone.I'm in a doctorate program in a small college town meaning my society of friends are extremely small. Being a foreigner doesn't help. Anyway, when I came here I had a gf of 7 years, we were the best of friends and were sure we'd get married, but being in a long distance relationship, wasn't sure how and when. Things went really bad for about a year, we had a huge fight and were practically on a break for a few months. That's when I met my current ex, who entered my program a year later. She had a bf of a couple of months, but outwardly expressed that she loved me (sometimes in crazy ways). I also felt extremely attracted to her but tried to control myself and told her I couldn't do anything, even if I break up. But after I did break up with my then gf, although I said I want to take some time we started to get out of control due to the proximity (we have see each other everyday, it's like working in the same office). Although I felt incredibly guilty to my ex, things had not been working out anyway (even before I met anyone, we practically hated each other), I told my ex that I want to break up for good and meet someone else. At that time, I really thought that someone else was the love of my life.Turns out that I could never trust the new person. She said her short term bf was nothing, but then I found out that she hadn't even broken up with him when she was acting like my gf and I was asking for time. I found this out when I said I have to meet my ex for closure (we only get to see each other once or twice a year due to the distance), she almost killed me and said she'd kill herself, but then said she hasn't told anything to her bf yet. I was really annoyed but since I also needed time anyway, said that it's good for both of us to keep some distance. But then she insisted we go on this trip that we had planned (when I thought we were both single), and when I said no she started to go all crazy again and said just go for the last time and then we can drift apart, so I obliged. But that trip really made us too close to each other, and I told her I don't understand why you're doing all this when you still have a bf, let alone moving on. She said there's nothing to move on from since it's not a serious relationship anyway, and a week later comes crying to me saying she broke up.After weeks of tension see each other all the time, we gave in and started to date officially. I did say that I'd have to go see my then ex for at least one more time, which she was always paranoid about, but tried to understand. In the end, my ex said I don't have to come, I felt sad and sorry because as a person, she was the closest person (still is) in my life, just didn't work out as a couple...but I was also relieved, and thought I could relax with my new life, when one day my new gf stood me up for hours (all day, actually) without calling or answering the phone, and then comes and tells me that she went to see HER ex. It would have been fine if she had told me, was really angry because she never told me, and on top of that, stood me up in the middle of her hometown (where I have nothing to do!) This time I got paranoid and said that I can never trust you, and I actually couldn't. I didn't break up, but couldn't help remembering how much trust and commitment I had in my previous relationship. I know it was it was my fault of entering a new relationship to early, but I was honest and said everything upfront (two both sides), she hid everything from both sides and never even bothered to apologize...I couldn't break up because I was already so sad and lonely...clearly I was not in a normal state of mind.A few monhts later we went on a break because I could never pull myself to trust her and I was just hurting her, during that time I went to see my ex for closure, ended up falling in a limbo of guilt and mistrust. About a year of this, my "gf" really got sad and jealous. Reason I say "gf" is although we weren't official anymore, we were still seeing each other everyday...it's hard you know in this small town with barely anyone you know, and also seeing each other everyday anyway...I was sure I still want to be with the new person, and wished she could do something to help me trust her, but all she would do is cry, cry, cry and get jealous. I understood her jealousy and tried to get through it, but in the end I couldn't stand it. Still we have to see each other everyday, I still loved her, and after taking some time off by going back to my home country, I tried to make it work only to find out that she got back together with HER ex. She told me he had been "waiting" for her all along, and back then she had been lying, it was actually a very serious relationship even though it was short, and suddenly she fell back in love with him "because" I never gave her any security.I felt bad and sorry, mad a bit, but thought that this was the best for it all, told her I really loved her, understand that she needs security, apologized for everything that happened and wished her happiness with the old guy. Then she said really, that guy is nothing, she just met him because she didn't see anything working out with me. So I said I'm really sincere now, was really nice and everything and then she said no, actually she really fell in love with this guy and has no feelings for me anymore. If I say okay then go back to this guy, she'll cry and beg me to stay, when I stay the next day she'll say she has no feelings for me again. This went on for months. In the end we were both going crazy and I started hating her, but still tried to work things out, but she said she wanted out and blamed me for hating her.Now I don't even know what I feel for her, I still wish we could work things out but really seems like it's too late, furthermore I don't even know if I love or hate her more. I'm still the kind of person that believes that anything can work out as long as "both" try, tell each other what we want and are angry about, but she's the kind of person that just avoids any kind of complicated issue and only believes in "feelings." The worst part is we still have to see each other most of the time, and even when we don't I always feel insecure not knowing when we'll run into each other. And even though I want to move on, it feels like there's always something left because we see each other ALL THE TIME.I've yelled at her and forced her to talk to me a number of times, and I feel like she really hates me now. She even goes crying around the offices saying that I'm stalking her, and I do admit that a few things I've done may be construed that way, but her actions were even more confusing and promoted it...It's a mixed feeling because even though I do want to see her, I hate seeing her seem to be fine when I'm in such a mess. And I feel like taking some kind of revenge for having taken advantage of me for all those months (I got her ton loads of things while she was going back and forth...) And even though I'm scared of seeing her, it also kills me when I don't. At least it's obvious that she's at least as scared as me...but there have been times like this in the past few months (not quite as bad as now) and she'd sometimes just randomly show up like nothing has happened and hug me or something...which would confuse the hell out of me, and when I try to have a conversation she'll say I'm cornering her and feels suffocated. This all makes her look like a bad girl, but fact is she's just extremely emotionally unstable, and doesn't know how to confront these kind of issues and always thinks the best way is running away.My question is, do you think she'll try to get together again? If she does, what can I do? All my friends say I'm crazy that I even still like her, but I know it all happened because we were both very unstable, not because we're bad people or anything...and I still cannot reject her...Even if she doesn't, how can I get myself to just forget about her and not worry about running into each other all the time? It's been a few weeks now, and I can't get any work done or even sleep just thinking about this ALL THE TIME, I feel as if I'm going crazy...I really want to get this out of my brain! And then I feel even worse thinking that it's just me obsessed over this problem, when she's already over it and back with her old bf for all I know.On the other hand, my old ex of 7 years still calls me, I call her too sometimes, she knows about most of the story, but still wants to keep in touch and see what might happen to us in the future...we really feel like family and it's hard to cut contact when it's one of the few people you can rely on in a foreign country (she's also studying somewhere in the States), I know everyone will say I should just cut all contact with everyone and take care of myself, I'm trying to with the girl here, and although it's not as painful not having my old ex to talk to will leave me as lonely as ever...Thoughts?
View related questions:
a break, broke up, fell in love, got back together, her ex, insecure, jealous, long distance, move on, my ex, revenge, stalking Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TimLSY +, writes (28 November 2008):
TimLSY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, it's been a while and I'm a bit better but still not quite. I've been seeing a counsellor and also mood enhancers. In hindsight, I realize both of us had our faults. I would like to know extremely what her bf would think, thing is there's no way to get to him as he's in her hometown which has nothing to do with me.
I guess my problem all along was that in my head, i always thought that my old fiance is good for me, but being apart and with all the drama just fell for the girl nearby emotionally, which probably helped make an already emotionally unstable girl even more jealous.
I still think that my old fiance is good for me, and i really do wish i can fall back in love with her again but it's been so long now and i'm still emotionally wrecked by this other girl...
A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (28 November 2008):
 The girl who you see everyday is playing with you like a puppet. Can't you get another job away from there. She wants her cake and eat it. Get one of your mates to let her b/f know what she's up to, then the true colours will show. Is there no hope for the other girl who seems to like you? Or do you really enjoy the excitement of this hot and cold affair?
You need to get away from the situation. Can't you go out with the guys and socialize, you may meet someone else and be able to keep someone just for yourself. You are wasting your time and energy on someone who is not worthy of you. She has already said she has another boyfriend, what does she have to do or say to make you wake up . Sorry to be blunt but you sound like a nice man and don't deserve all this stuff thats going on. hope this helps.
...............................
|
