A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't want to seem to be a shallow, judmental guy, but I need to get opinions.I have a major problem with my girlfriend's cousin, whom she spends a lot of time with.The first thing is that she is untrustworthy. We are both adults, and I am Christian. At church, she could tell that there was something wrong with me... she got it out of me by saying that it would be confidential. I was having troubles coping with some relationship issues (with her cousin), and I was trying to do what I thought was right. Well, cousin decided to misquote me, and tell my girlfriend (it was nothing that could have hurt my girlfriend, I know for a fact). I realized then and there that I couldn't trust her.She is also dishonest. She lies about a lot of things.She is promiscuous.Now, I know that people make mistakes, and no one is perfect... but the problem that I have is when she is around my girlfriend... she tries to get her to be the same way.I'm always super-frustrated when they go out together. I can only imagine what cousin is trying to do. I know the answer is to just trust... but its so hard.I know that my girlfriend will catch on that I hate being around cousin... do I tell her the truth when she asks? Or whitelie my way out of it?[Added]to clarify:"Cousin" is my girlfriend's cousin. Not my cousin.This is what makes it hard, because I am not the guy to try to interrupt family ties."Cousin" is my girlfriend's cousin. Not my cousin.This is what makes it hard, because I am not the guy to try to interrupt family ties.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 December 2007):
 I am a Christian as well. I am a strong individual and present myself with a high level of integrity, and character. If I was in a relationship or a marriage, because of my strength, I could be in a room with many naked, beautiful women and I wouldn't be tempted to touch, because I have respect for myself and I respect the feelings of the person I'm with. Now if I was single, that's be quite a buffet.
How do you feel about the personal strengths of your girlfriend. We know the cousin can't be trusted, but how about your girlfriend. Is she someone who'd be tempted to shop if the chipendales were naked in a room with her, or would she have the personal respect and respect from others to make her decision based on who she is, and not negatively affecting you with her decision.
The reason I ask is the stronger your girlfriend is, the less likely her cousin would have influence over her actions or decisions.
I live my life with a very simple rule. I have one boy and three girls. I present myself at home and outside the home as if they were my audience and watching all my activities.
If it was my cousin, I wouldn't be condoning her behavior, just out of family love for her. I'd be telling my girlfriend, all though I don't respect her behavior, I don't dislike her because I know she's family and family does mean something, even if they've taken a negative path. How high is the cousin's self esteem and self worth that caused her to travel this negative path. What's happened in her life to cause her to not really care what happens to her or how she affects other people. Many times people who sleep around have a desire to fulfill an area they are missing, or using it as a way to cope with a high level of internal pain they have to deal with. How can you and your girlfriend show her that you care about who she is, and you care too that she's able to make better choices because you know the choices she's making now could end badly.
Instead of just thinking about your relationship, think as well about what's really going on with her.
I recently helped someone who slept around a lot. I could have brushed her off and just thought, what a slut. I talked to her and after doing so I asked her if she'd ever been checked for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). She asked if someone told me before hand because she'd been diagnosed 2 years prior. With her assistance, we worked up a plan, she's not happy, not as much sleeping around and focusing on raising her kids and taking care of herself instead of who she's going to use next to cope with her pain.
Sometimes little things can make a big difference. Casting judgment on her cousin could create stress in the relationship you have with your girlfriend as well.
I hope everything works out for you. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): I remember the time, probably when I was your age, when I was embroiled in a steady relationship, and constantly worried about what my girlfriend at the time was doing behind my back. Like you, I felt like she had negative influences - in the form of promiscuious friends - making her act subversively against my interests, namely her sexual fidelity. It was bothering me heavily, and I communicated my concerns to a co-worker of mine who was slightly older than I. And when I did, he asked a simple yet very poingnant question: "Is your girlfriend a whore?" I really didn't know how to answer, and I didn't. But it made me think. Was she...Is she? She had given me no reason to really distrust her. And if I thought she was capable of such behavior, why was I trying to control it - to control her. If she was a whore, why would I be so interested in making sure that she did not act out whorishly, whether on her own or from some outside influence. I should simply separate myself from such a person who would take advantage of my trust and good nature. Then it dawned on me that perhasps I was being a bit paranoid, if not possessive. If she was doing anything behind my back that she would not want me not know about - regardless of how insignificant - it's not something that she would be able to keep secret for very long. The truth has a bad habit of emerging, especially when one doesn't want it to, and the sooner she did something unscrupulous, the sooner I would know about it and be able to see her for who she truly was. My point is, your girlfriends cousin is the one you don't trust. Don't let that infect your relationship with your girlfriend. If your girlfriend acts like a whore, then she is. If she doesn't, then she's not. If she's going to do something bad, you can't stop her from doing it. And the sooner she does it the sooner you can know what she really is, and the sooner you can be on your way to better and brighter things. But if your girlfriend deserves your trust, give it to her. Don't punish the poor girl for something she hasn't done, and probably won't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): Firstly, no one can ever 'trick' someone else into being promiscuous and wild. Either your gf is this way herself or she's not. You have the 'right' to speak to her (your gf) about something that is bothering you. Relationships are mutual and honesty builds trust and respect. Tell your gf the truth about your concerns about how you feel about the troublesome behaviors of her cousin. Say this calmly, maturely and compassionately. And then drop it. You can't do anything more about it. Your gf will then have to make the decision/choice herself as to whether she will hang out with her cousin or not. If she does, and behaves in the same way, then you will know what to do. You will have to move on.
What I am seeing here is a young man (you) who has values and an ideal high standard that he hold himself up to. That is good. But you are also fearful of a huge loss due to mistrust not just of this cousin, but your gf, as well. This is a risk that comes with dating anyone, in life. Surely you know her well enough to trust her not to behave like this? If you don't, then why are you dating her? TAke care, hun and be strong.
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