A
female
age
41-50,
*velina
writes:Hi everyone. I'd love some advice on a problem that's been plagueing me. About 12 years ago I met my husband on a holiday in Italy. We fell in love, married and now have two small children. Although it was a hard decision to make at the time I decided to leave my country, Australia, and move so far away from my family. I was convinced at the time and loved being here, but I was young when I made the decision and never thought about the future consequences. About a year and a half ago, after 9 years I had lived here, my husband was keen to try a move to Australia. So we packed everything and left, my husband was more keen than me and convinced this was going to work. I was excited and naturally my mother was thrilled. My father wasn't keen on the idea. To cut a long story short, our stay lasted 6 months exactly. We got into terrrible arguements, my husband didn't enjoy the work he was doing (being used to running his own business in Italy, which did well), he struggled fitting in and one day just exploded and demanded I book tickets back for himself and that I was free to decide what I wanted to do. For the sake of my family I decided to go back even though I was so disappointed and wanted so much to stay. I ask myself day after day if I made the right choice. I didn't do wonders for the relationship, I am always bitter with him and I constantly think of his outbreak and how vicious it was of him to react towards me the way he did. I never expected it from him. You think you know someone!! I'm up and down emotionally, I'm not motivated here anymore and I'm always seeing the negative in everything. I'm always asking myself what would've been if I'd never left. I hate having these regrets and I hate that it keeps me from being the mother I want to be. My relationship with my father is worse than before, almost as if he knew things would go this way. My parents miss the kids so much and I feel so much pain and anguish for this. Am I killing myself slowly staying here? I can't work out what it is I feel for my husband. I feel I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I have so much anger towards him and I can't hide it. For him the matter is swept under the carpet but I'm the one who bought back all the emotional baggage and he has become a master at pretending nothing is happening. Is that normal? Can men really be that blind? I am so confused, I can't talk to anyone, a year has gone by since this happened but I still feel the same. I hate when people bring up the issue, it makes me want to cry. I feel trapped. Please, I'd love any advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): there's a lot you're not telling.... from your post all it says is that everything was fine between you and your husband for 9 years until you decided to move back to your home country. Your husband was keen, your mother was happy, your father not keen... then suddenly things all went bad? and your husband then exploded and you've never felt the same way towards him ever since and you're filled with regret and bitterness? And you can't talk to anyone and feel trapped.what happened?? seems there's a lot more than just this going on...I think it's common for people to refuse to engage in communication when there's huge problems and to just pretend nothing is happening. This is their way of coping, because communicating is uncomfortable for them so they think conflict-avoidance is easier. it's worse in the long run because things can't get resolved they just get swept under the carpet and fester or more problems build on top of them.if things are really bad and your husband refuses to do his part to resolve them, why not try a separation as a cooling off period - he can move back to italy while you stay in australia for a few months. then you can try talking again when everyone is calmer.
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