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age
30-35,
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writes: My friends and I are in college and just finished a string of exams. They want to celebrate by going to a strip club, everyone needs a first time. I'm conflicted because I don't know what to do. I have low confidence and am starting to believe I'll never get any more female attention, after my ex left me 4 months ago. I'm not the best looking guy nor the tallest , while I have those "reliable, trustworthy" traits and athleticism. I have a lot more respect for women then my friends do, always bad-mouthing women and using slurs. I'm also jealous of their success with women. I never go out with them often because they get drunk and hook-up while I party instead, because I don't have the confidence to hookup with girls. I told myself I'd never go to a strip club because my future wife or girlfriend would not like it. But at this point, I'm desperate for attention. Should I go?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 First off, you're way too young to think you can "never" get female attention or find love again. And close to 100% of all teenagers over-dramatize everything. They all think they will "never" find someone, and whoopdidoo, they end up happily in love within a month.
At your age things can change fast. One moment things are going downhill, the next you're on the top. Keep that in mind, and the bumps on the road wont appear as mountains. They are just bumps.
As for the strip club. I don't know if a future wife or girlfriend would approve or not. That's really up to you: do you want your future wife/girlfriend to not approve of such an act? If so, don't go. You have your own standards to keep after all. And I think it is admirable that you're thinking ahead and have already looked into what sort of values a future girl for you needs to have.
But then again... not all women are bothered by this, and if you really want to go to a strip club then why not. You only live once. But if you feel like you might regret it, and that it will compromise your values... Don't go. You can always go another time if you chance your opinion on it, strip clubs are likely to be around for a while...
Cheer up. Your girlfriend recently left you, and it is okay to feel sad and miss her. But it isn't the end of your love life, you'll find someone else in time. When you are ready to love again and let someone new into your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHook-ups were never my thing a) because I lack the confidence for that and b) because I didn't want girls thinking I'm not monogamous. I guess the rush of one would help my confidence temporarily, or just patch up the teasing I get from my friends. As for learning to ask girls out, I've had a terrible streak my whole life. Getting my ex was too lucky because she just wanted me to ask, I already knew her answer. I'm pretty sure Cerberus that I'm the first type of guy you mentioned, the "obviously not one". My ex was somewhat controlling secretly but I was ok with it because it counted as female attention. Being rejected by about ten girls in high school until my ex, was bad enough to push my confidence down. About the insulting women part, I don't understand girl/guy talk since there's no point of being with a guy or girl if you're going to rip on him/her the second they are away. I know I have the false idea that there'll be an attractive, smart, awesome girl that'll be easy to talk to, doesn't get hit on all the time, and that I won't be nervous when going about it. But that's because every time I do try to talk to a girl I think is attractive, I mess up badly. Some of the girls that rejected me gave me the "sweet guy" let down so since then I've been trying to be "less sweet" and thought a strip club would tarnish that image. My ex was surprised with who I was and called me "raw potential" and " an undiscovered gem" and those are the only compliments I cling to, so I'm not confidence-less. Thanks for the advice everyone, I'll tell them I'm not going.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): OP the reason you want to go a strip club is not a good reason. Strip clubs are for fun, not desperation. While strip clubs are not even nearly for sad pathetic men anymore than male strippers or clubs are for sad pathetic women, going there because you're desperate for attention would be a pretty sad thing to do. That would be like paying a person to fix your pipes because you're not happy with your plumbing skills and want to improve. You get better at something by practising, learning, not giving up and not being afraid to try and fail a few times.
You're going about this whole thing all wrong and putting too much unnecessary pressure on yourself by giving women far too much importance in your mind. Basically OP you're putting the pussy on a pedestal. Not the most eloquent of phrases but it has a point to it, women aren't some magical mystical creature to be worshipped, they're just people with the same needs, desires and opinions as us. It's okay to view a woman in terms of her physical attractiveness as an initial reason to go over and talk to her. It's not disrespectful to not view them with some deep romantic aim to find love, in fact you're disrespecting the very idea that they do in fact want to be swept off their feet and pursued sexually aswell as all the other ways. Feeling attractive is as important to them as being respected and for many of them even more important.
The difference being, as a guy, you're not going to get anywhere with women if you think standing around waiting for them to give you attention is going to get you anywhere. So you think we stand around twirling our hair and posing? That's not how it works. Women dress up to attract, they spend hours trying to look the very best they can and hope they stand out and get more noticed than other women, they want to be approached, desired and pursued, it makes them feel great, especially when a guy is really nice about it. Look around you, pretty much every guy is just wearing a t-shirt, crappy shirt and jeans on nights out, that's it (except for the weird fake tan metrosexual weirdos but I know no woman who ever takes those guys any way seriously). We don't dress to impress, to look good so we'll get attention we are the ones who have to put in the work.
Sure there are some guys who gets lots of attention but you're obviously not one of them or don't actually know when you are getting attention. Not every woman is a ravenous and obvious flirt.
OP if you want to go to a strip club with your buddies just to have some fun, go ahead, don't go because you want female attention it won't satisfy such a need for you. If you're worried about what a future partner might think then don't worry about it. Most women don't care, those who do care mostly won't mind that you did as long as it was once or twice and you won't be going there again while in that relationship. The only time you'd have to worry is if the type of girl you want to get with is a man-hating bra burner or someone devoutly religious. But why would you want to have a partner who is so controlling and judgemental?
OP getting women is easy, all it takes is confidence, how do you get confidence? By actually going ahead and chatting to girls and getting numbers, dates and random hook ups (if that's your thing). Look you can stand back and be an observer jealously listening to your friends talk about their conquests or you can join in, if random hook ups isn't you thing then just get numbers and dates.
"I have a lot more respect for women then my friends do, always bad-mouthing women and using slurs."
You think you're better because you don't do that? That's just guy talk, they may well be very respectful to them women themselves. Besides girl talk is the exact same, I have a large group of female friends, you should hear the shit they say about the guys they're dating. They tear guys to pieces but it's just talk. Besides all those girls are willing participants in this and enjoy the game just as much your buddies do.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 If you had a lot of experience they'd tease you about that too. That's just what some friends do. Try not to let that get to you.
I didn't mean working out to attract women, it's more to channel your sadness into something beneficial. Take a cooking class instead. They're fun, teach valuable skills, and tend to be 90% female (and trust me, being able to cook is definitely attractive). I'm not a guy so maybe I'm missing some part of it, but I've never found hookups to be fun. They are an ego boost, but there's nothing fun about them unless I can brag about it to my friends. I assume it feels better physically for guys, but other than the ego thing I don't get it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks person12345, I've only had one ex and am a virgin which makes things desperate. I've always worked out consistently but it doesn't seem to help this process.
My friends tease me about my experience, which really bothers me.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (12 October 2012):
 Going to a strip club will not ease the crushing lack of self confidence you're experiencing. It's putting a band aid on a problem instead of hunting down and fixing the root of it. Women at strip clubs do not like you, or want to get to know you. They work there for the money. Period. I should know, I was a stripper.
The fact of the matter is, you cannot go there expecting that will make you feel better, because it's nothing more than a fantasy, she's going to pay attention to you -because you're paying her to-. The minute the money stops flowing, so will the attention.
Your best bet would be to use the money you were going to use at the strip club and pay for some counseling instead. A therapist will be able to help you miles more than a bunch of strippers EVER could.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 October 2012):
Would it really make you feel better to get attention from girls who deep down hate you and are likely only able to get through the night because they're drunk or high? It's like going to a movie to pretend you have friends. I doubt you'd leave feeling wanted, I'm guessing you'd leave feeling even more rejected, as in "I have to pay women to get them to like me."
Your ex left 4 months ago, that's not very long ago. I know it probably feels like it is, but it's not. Everyone goes through this kind of phase after a breakup, that whole, will anyone ever like me again?! Sort of thing. I promise women will be interested in you again, as soon as this phase ends (you will move out of it).
I don't think a strip club will help you, if anything I think it will make you feel worse. If you're feeling unwanted now, you're going to feel worse after hanging out with a bunch of women who actively dislike/hate you. Why not take up one of the typical post-break-up routines meant to make you feel better, like working out, learning new skills in some kind of class, etc... They are ideal because they both boost your self-esteem and let you meet new people.
Strip clubs are for sad pathetic men who need to pay women to feel better about themselves. Don't be one of them.
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