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age
41-50,
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writes: I've answered so many questions on this site but I'm afraid I need some help myself, so here goes:I met this guy 3 years ago. He is 9 years older then me. We started to become friends and then when I found out he liked me more then a friend we started going out. At the time I thought to myself ok he's not really the type of guy I go for and that attracts me but what have I got to loose. He's got a really great personality and he's a very good guy. He really fell head over hells in love with me. Seven months into the relationship we started to get sexually active. Over these 3 years has happened a lot. He became the only person I can really rely on and talk to and I'm practically all that he's got. There is just one problem, through the whole relationship I can fell that there is something missing. You know how they say that if you find your soul mate, well I dont exactly fell that. I didn't fall in love with him and I guess I'm still not in love. I told him this and now he's devastated, I would also be in his position. I'm not in love with him but I love him, he actually the only person in my life and I can't picture my life without him. I want to be with someone who I can feel that spark with but I don't wont to loose the only person in my life. We cant just stay friends for him it'll be to hard. I'm really stuck in the mud right now. pls help me
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female
reader, AlmostTexan  +, writes (6 July 2010):
You can fall head over heels in love. There can be sparks that would set a building on fire. Then reality sets in. I’m married for over 18 years and the big spark left many, many moons ago. But I would not leave my husband, because I love him dearly. It takes hard work to stay in a relationship. There is no one, and I mean absolutely no one who is still all sparks and head over heels after the” Honeymoon” is over. Yes, we still hold hands. And yes we tell each other every day “Love you”, but the in love feeling becomes LOVE and a deep friendship, if done right. But don’t be with someone because you scared of being alone, or because you don’t want to make him feel bad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing that is missing is that I'm not "in love" with him, not even in the beginning was there this big spark, it all started there that I like hanging out with him and he makes me feel safe and good. He's not my type but I started going out with him because he isn't like all these other losers around me and he cares for me. I don't feel bored with him, not even after 3 years. We do fight and have our ups and downs. He'll pretty much do anything for me. He's one and only biggest fear is to lose me, and to tell you the truth I'm pretty scared myself. We can't just stay friends, I once brought this question up and he burst into tears and just told me "I can see where this is going". He told me that people can only stay friends after a relationship if both of them don't like each other as more then friends which might never happen by him. I'm he's first love and he is mine which makes this even harder. I just also want to feel this spark and to fall in love but it's hard when you're in a position as this one :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): This is a really tricky one! I can totally see why you're struggling. On the one hand, you could lose someone who means a hell of a lot to you, maybe even more than you realize. On the other, you don't want to waste another three years on a relationship that just doesn't feel quite right.
One thing I would say is that you need to think hard about what is missing here, in more concrete terms. I know it's really tough, but see if you can whittle it down to something more specific than 'that something' missing. It might take you some days or even weeks to do this. Why, exactly, don't you feel love for this guy? What exactly are you missing?
The reason I say this is that relationships do change over time, and it can sometimes be deceptive. At the beginning, when there's that spark between you, it's all very exciting and wonderful, like love in the movies. As you grow together and get used to one another, going through trials and tribulations together, it can be easy to feel that the excitement has gone, even though a stronger and deeper bond has actually taken its place. You need to work out whether what you're feeling is actually just a deeper kind of love and partnership, or whether it's actually a lack of love.
Also, it can be easy to feel a bit of boredom creeping in to a longer term relationship. Maybe you're feeling a bit taken for granted, which is something this guy can take action about. There are ways of rekindling romance, providing both parties are willing to make a little bit of effort! Provided there is some real love there, the 'spark' can often be rediscovered with a few nights out together each month, where you bask in each other's company.
If you try this and still have doubts, another possibility would be to have a trial separation. Spend a week or two apart - strictly no contact. See how things go. If you feel an overwhelming sense of freedom and release, maybe this isn't the relationship for you. If you feel terrible loss, like there's something missing from your life, maybe this guy means more to you than you realized.
I'm definitely not trying to convince you that this relationship is right, and that this IS love. It's possible that this isn't the guy for you. My ex-partner was never really 'right' for me, and I ended up spending 15 years in a relationship that was increasingly arid. I wouldn't wish that on anyone!
Also, I hope you don't mind me saying, but it sounds as though you are both very close, to the point that a breakup is almost unthinkable for you even though you have doubts. If you do decide to stay together, perhaps it would be a good idea for you both to develop groups of friends on whom you can rely a bit more? I'm not saying this as a way of preparing a 'get out' strategy for the future, but as a way of ensuring that you each have a broad base of support. There are some situations where a partner just can't provide all the support you need, and having other voices, opinions, and friends around you is a valuable thing.
One final thing - I'm sure your boyfriend is absolutely in pieces about this. You did the right thing to be honest with him, but it's important that you figure out exactly how you feel now for his own state of mind and health and your own. There's nothing worse for a relationship than doubt - it's often better to face the worst than to exist with such uncertainty.
I hope that you can figure out what you are missing, and find a way through this. If you ever need to talk, post again or feel free to message me!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): You realise that the whole 'soul-mates' and 'true-love' thing movies and literature have been spreading for most of time is a myth right?The best relationships on this planet will all have their downsides and their upsides. Its all a matter of if you think the ups are worth tolerating the downs.Love at first sight is so rare it might as well not exist. Real people have to work at their relationships to keep them working. And no one is happy all the time.Flynn 24
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 July 2010):
 It sounds like the feeling you have toward him is close to true love, but no cigar. The fact that he is the only person in your life right now could change at the drop of the hat. You could stay with him and have a comfortable life. But what if Mr. X walks into your life today or tomorrow and you fall head over heels in love? I think you just need to let this guy go and let him find a woman that thinks he's the cat's pajamas, and you stay footloose and fancy-free so you can be ready when love walks in the door.
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