A
female
age
41-50,
*SGirl396
writes:I am a divorced mother with two young children (2 and 7) and I have been in a two year committed relationship with a great guy. He has been single for ten years and is 41 without kids and I was only single about six months after my divorce when we met and I am 32. After about a year of dating we got engaged and have a wedding date this November. We all moved in together about six months ago and the change was hardest on him since he is not use to kids and use to being single for so long. We have all settled in very well together and I couldn't ask for a better step-father for my kids. He is the perfect man, great with my kids and I love being with him!! The problem is about two months ago I discovered that he was online dating the first couple of month in our relationship after he had asked me to see him exclusively. Then I discovered that he had been posting web cam play requests on Criagslist after the online dating. Some of the Craigslist posts even said he was willing to meet in person before the kids and I moved in. Now he is back to posting on Craigslist again and this time he is looking for online play with an older man to dominate him and says web cam only will not meet. Given everything I have found, I have a really hard time trusting him. If he is only doing online stuff and not actually meeting then I think I am fine with that. I kind of feel like the online play only is similar to online porn but then another part of me feels like it is to personal (cheating?) or one day he will get bored with the online play and make it physical. I'm sure I am in denial but I love him so much and everything else is so perfect. And if he is bi-sexual then he obviously have desires I can't fill. I left my last marriage because of my ex-husbands affairs (and other numerous lies) and I have been approached by several men at my work with beautiful wives wanting an affair (to which I have turned them down) so it makes me question if any man is ever full committed and not always looking for the next thing? If I am going to leave then I need to do it soon before I get my kids deeper involved with him (although I know they love him and it is too late).
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (2 July 2010):
 This is cause for a alarm, and there are a few reasons. First - when you are 41, don't have kids, and have been single for 10 years, you develop habits that are MUCH different than that of a person in a relationship, with kids. He's had time to get used to single guy (with internet) freedom.
Putting his possible bi-sexual escapades aside, how well do you know this man? If your answer is "I thought I knew him better than anybody until I found this..." then you don't really know him that well. He has been keeping secrets from you, and that (in my opinion) is worse than anything of the specific things he is doing. How can you marry a man who keeps secrets?
Yes, I think you are a type of denial and also a typical form of rationalization because you are in love with him. You are making excuses for him - "Maybe I can't satisfy all of his needs" etc. Do you have to leave him and end it? Some people will say yes, but personally I don't think you have to, yet. But I do think you need to postpone the wedding to get to know him better. Honesty comes first. Especially because you have your children involved. I don't see how you can be comfortable leaving him alone with them after this.
When you marry somebody you need to know them and trust them completely. He doesn't appear to be at that stage. My guess is that he loves you, but he is so used to his shenanigans from when he was single that he is not ready to give that up yet. Which means he's not quite ready to NOT be single yet. Which, in turn, means he may not be quite ready to be married.... yet.
PS: Old man dominating by webcam? That's just icky.
A
female
reader, Catflap1  +, writes (2 July 2010):
Well you have to speak to him about this. It simply isn’t on and you know it really. It could be his fatal flaw. I once dated a man and my little boy and his daughter liked each other. He was very fond of me. The only thing was he had a habit of paying for sex when on business visits abroad. To his credit he told me he had done that and I guess he was letting me know that I would be required to turn a blind eye. It was a boundary violation – so i had to finish with him, even though I missed him for a long time afterwards. The bad thing this man has done is robbed you of the chance to make an informed choice and let you place your kids life in a place with him, leaving out information that may have taken you on a different path if you had been given the benefit of that knowledge. It is a bit of theft of your liberty to decide what is best for you and your adored children. Making excuses doesn’t cut it, he chose to be with you, he chose the responsibility of your children. He knew all he needed to about you, but didn’t do you the crucial and honest favour of being open about himself. He must feel quite guilty, so no wonder he is trying to make up for it by being so nice. It is a heartbreak but if you can be honest you may be able to break up and still be friends. He must know he has done wrong by you. It would be fine if he was on his own, which is more used to, but he can’t have both.The only way out of this is if he makes his online activity transparent, you get to install Webwatcher (have a look into it - amazing) and you go to counselling together for his sex addiction problem. Men who meet like that don’t always take precautions – be careful.I think it looks like a bit or a relationship killer whether immediate or by slow erosion, you need to let him know that. It is up to him to do what is necessary, see if he will.Some people want to be loved so are willing to be faithful, others are too selfish to be able to do that. Not all men are like him.
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