A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 18/f and my boyfriend is 19/m My mum has told me in the past, before i ever had a boyfriend, that she's aware that i'm at the age where ill start to get sexually active. I never had a boyfriend during high school or anything and never have done anything more then kissed a guy. She was proud of me for holding out on having sex and everything considering alot of my friends lost their virginity when they were 15-16. My mum is the kind of person that makes alot of jokes about things, but its this jokes that are making things very awkward for me. In the past i wouldn't have minded cause i was single and she knew there was no one that i would be sleeping with. But now i have my very first boyfriend, and the things she says are really affecting me.Especially when i need to talk to her about being safe. When i first told her that the boy of my dreams took me to the lookout on a mountain overlooking the city and asked me out, the first thing she said was "he didn't knock you up or something did he?". She keeps making remarks about me and my boyfriend and it makes things awkward and its making me scared to have a very important talk with her. She lets me stay over his house and everything, and tells me she trusts me, but then she goes and asks my sister if im having sex with my boyfriend when i stay at his house, and when my sister said no, she sighed heavily and said she was so relieved. My boyfriend and I, have talked about sex. We both want to wait a while and not rush into anything, as i'm still a virgin and he is willing to wait till i'm ready. He wants to make it special for me and told me that he can wait as long as needed, he also doesn't want to move too quickly. The thing is, we both think its a smart idea for me to go on the pill, so that we have protection for when that day comes. My body also needs a couple of months to adjust to the pill itself, and i dont think theres any harm in starting it now, so that i have that security. The thing is, i was meant to go on the pill a couple of months ago, before i even had a boyfriend, due to excruciating period pain. But i kept putting it off. now im stuck in a very awkward situation. I feel like i cant talk to my mum about going on the pill and getting protected, so that when me and my boyfriend are ready, we will be safe. Most parents would appreciate their daughters confiding in them about sex and being responsible and making smart decision in regards to preventing pregnancy, but i cant seem to do that now knowing how much she doesn't want me to have sex etc etc. The thing is, when i do tell her, i want to let her know i wont be having sex anytime soon. I feel almost like the adult in this situation, as i want to be safe and she seems to make a joke out of anything. It hurts me when she assumes my boyfriend is careless and only after one thing, when she doesn't understand he's not like that and wouldn't force anything on me if i didn't want to do it.
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never had a boyfriend, period, still a virgin, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): Hi my dear, it is good that you are thinking things through.
From a health perspective I am not pro the pill it really damages womens gut linings and then cause a lot of problems.
Your gp won't tell you this unless they are experts in the gut, most general practitioners do not specialise.
Then there is all the emotion involved, it is really to hard to tell at 19 who is right for you, unless you know for sure and in that case, honestly the old fashioned view of getting married to the right person is a much better practice.
Sex is not really fulfilling unless you are with the right person. Then of course if you aren't and you do fall pregnant there are terribly difficult things to deal with that you can not plan for.
I know you are aware of these things, however you only have one chance of making a good decision. So all the best for the right decision! :)
A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (1 June 2011):
You sound like a very smart girl and you have a good head on your shoulders. It sounds like you are going through this process at the pace that you want to, and your boyfriend cares about this and is letting you dictate the pace, great.
You are not the first child who's parent is less comfortable with a subject than they are, and who feels like they need to take the adult role in a situation. It is very very very good experience to have a difficult conversation with your parents about difficult issues, as an adult, and often sex is one of those subjects that is difficult to talk about. You are in the perfect position though, you have a good relationship with your mom and want to talk about going on the pill. In other words, you want to talk about starting to have sex, you haven't actually had sex yet, and that is easier for you because you haven't actually done that thing that she is worried about you doing, you are letting her know you are going to.
Your mother jokes about it because she is anxious about it and doesn't know how to deal with it. She also is being adult enough about it to talk to you about it, and asked your sister private information that she does not have the right to ask anyone but you for. She should not put your sister in that position of being in the middle, she should speak directly to you, but she is nervous about the subject. It is normal for parents to be terrified of their kids having sex, but that doesn't mean you should be nervous about it. If you are ready and with the right guy, and you want to, there is no need to feel anxious about it.
You say you feel like you can't talk to your mom knowing how much she doesn't want you to have sex. The truth is, your mum knows this day has been coming, and that you are ready. You can talk to her about it. It is a conversation she thinks she has been dreading, but it is actually the right time. I would suggest you have it with her, and just get her to come round. She might react emotionally at first, but you are old enough and I don't think it will take long for her to accept it, and appreciate you a great deal for talking to her about it. You can also tell her how you feel about her joking about it, that it makes it harder for you to talk to her. Your relationship with your mum, and other people too, will benifit from being able to have these kinds of conversations.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know i'm legally of age to be able to get the pill and everything for myself, and i would pefer to keep my sex life my own. however i dont have a job so i can't pay for the pills myself, hence why if i want them i have no other option then to ask my mum to buy them for me my boyfriends not a virgin, but we have discussed everything and he will be wearing a condom :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 You are 18-21. Why do you need to tell your mom that you're going on the pill? You're an adult. You do not have to tell her, and you have your own relationship with the doctor now.But, if you feel that this is a conversation you should have with her, think of it this way. Talking about the pill is better than talking about an unwanted pregnancy.Also, you didn't mention if your boyfriend is a virgin or not. Regardless of whether or not you go on the pill, he needs to wear a condom. The pill won't protect against STI's. He may have herpes or something else and not know it yet. If he isn't a virgin, he must wear a condom unless he gets screened for diseases.Finally, don't let embarrassment keep you from talking to your mom about this. Be prepared to have a long talk, but unless she's unreasonable (which it doesn't sound like it), the talk will do you both good and bring your relationship to the next level. Don't be too hard on her for asking your sister about you sleeping with him. She's a bit embarrassed about bringing it up too! She's also a mom, and moms are curious and concerned. If you have kids, you'll be the exact same way.
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