A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have a special guy in my life that i have dated for a year now and i am so in love as he is with me...at least for now anyway. i have told him all about my past, guys i have kissed and slept with (all of whom i have dated) and other miscellaneous things. i have never been a slut nor have i ever hooked up with someone random and he knows all this. there are a few things that i have not told him though that i know would make him angry because it involves bj and someone going down on me that i stopped because i wasnt comfortable. i dont want to tell him because i feel like he will get rid of me, but i know he wont. i just feel like he wont want me anymore. out of all my friends, i was the prude one...so you can imagine how bad they are! i dont regret my past because i know how cautious i was and how well i had to know someone and how long i dated them before i hooked up with them. minimum 2 years! so i really dont think thats bad at all, i could be wrong though. anyways my boyfriend is very jealous person and has a bad temper. he doesnt like to hear about things like that. i actually took his virginity. he had one other girlfriend before me and they didnt really ever mess around. i dont want to lie to him, but he has lied to me about a lot of things in his past ...nothing to do with girls. well actually he lied about having sex with 3 girls and then he came clean and said he just wanted to not look gay.lol but i could understand that so i forgave him. he has also lied about hanging out with girls and emailing them and calling them...girls taht are his friends. because he is afraid that i would be mad, when in all reality i was mad that he lied to me, not mad that he hung out with them. and if i would have not found out he would have never told me the truth. i found an email he wrote to his ex and i asked him when the last time he talked to her was and he said he doesnt talk to her anymore. so he kept lieing until i told him i found the email. anyways i have never cheated on him, he means the world to me but i am consumed with guilt because i feel like i owe it to him to tell him the truth about my whole past but i am afraid of the consequences and he has also lied to me and who knows if he will continue to do so. should i tell him or no?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): I think it is good to tell a person the basics about one's past and you have done that. He knows that you have dated and slept with some guys, but there is no reason to tell him the details, especially since it seems like he won't be able to handle it.
I had problems accepting my wife's past, but she did much worse than you did. One night stands and sleeping with guys she had just met, for instance. However, the details never bothered me. Actually, I have always found the details somewhat exciting. I guess I'm opposite your boyfriend in my thinking.
I think that his lack of experience and anger over your past is a bit troubling. I wasn't angry with my wife. It just hurt me that she didn't respect herself enough to not sleep with a guy who she knew nothing about. Of course, his anger might be the result of his hurt. I'm also afraid that he will resent the fact that he never had the chance to screw around a bit before dating you. He will wonder what else is out there and wonder how much fun he missed. That is why my wife wanted me to date other women after we started dating.
Before our divorces, our only sexual partners were our first spouses. She was my first after my divorce and she wanted me to have the chance to have the same experiences that she had. Actually, it was both of us dating multiple people that made us realize that the other was the best that we were likely to find. Neither one of us has ever wished that we had someone else in our 29 years together. I think that it is very important for men and women to experience multiple partners so that they won't want to stray when things aren't going too well at a time down the road. Ups and downs in a long realtionship are common.
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 im my opinion what happens in the past stays the past because nothing either of you can do to change it. so why bring it up and have arguements and what not over nothing something they had nothing to do with also their is nothing wrong with giving someone a bj if your dating them long term thats your choice he doesnt need to know and you should not feel guilty not telling him because he will react badly to something he shouldnt be because its in the past!! also im not so worried about that problem you should leave it in the past and not tell him its your business not his and it will only cause problems.. the thing i am worried about is how much he is lying to you its not a good start to a relationship i always think if they can lie to you about a few things whats to say their lying about others? im not trying to rock the boat but becareful if he has nothing to hide then he shouldnt be lying to you.. thats my opinion aphexy good luck hun xx
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A
female
reader, cthulhuhugs +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Look, everyone has some things in their past that they're ashamed of. You don't have to tell him every single detail of every single fling you've ever had. Him being upset by this doesn't make him a jealous person, that's a normal reaction. You'll hurt him more by telling him a bunch of things that are inconcequential to your relationship. You didn't have sex with that person while you were together so he really doesn't need to know. Now if he asks you, by all means tell him. Don't lie, just don't bring it up.
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