A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:when i split up from my marriage i started going out immediately with an old girlfriend( i know i should have waited) and the relationship was good initially but i was carrying a lot of anger from my marriage which ended badly. The new relationship was volatile and we split a couple of times within a year as i seemed to continually compare her to my wife and she having lived by herself for a long time was very set in her ways. She then fell pregnant and we were both delighted as we were both over 40 but were still living apart. For some reason i cheated on her and she caught me.She took me back but things were very strained but i continued with the affair for some reason and continue to so she has now ended our relationship. it is only now that i realise what i have lost but see my son regularly. She has suggested giving things a go but i am so confused as i do get on very well with the girl i am having the affair with but am engulfed with guilt by my behaviour and miss the family life i am missing out on.I know i sound like a waste of space but i am afraid of ending the affair as i am not sure my ex can move on and forgive me and i will be left alone
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female
reader, raiders  +, writes (3 March 2011):
 Your girlfriend broke up with you because you cheated, and you want her back but your still with the same lover, how do you think this looks in your girlfriends eyes. If you want your family back than your going to have to leave the lover and start courting your girlfriend all over again. Hopefully she will find it in her heart to forgive you and start over.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): I really feel that you might be going about this in the wrong way, I aprecitate the situation seems a bit difficult to resolve because you are in it. Knowing the female psyche as a woman and seeing that you appear genuine in an attempt to have a better understanding about things, here is what I would do:- Sit on your own and figure out what you really want before proceeding and making any kind of decision.You are certainly not going to be able to make yourself and either woman happy if you don't do this. Once you have genuinely done this, both will sense it and you'll be able to make the right choice and have the right conversation.- I expect you have a great fear of being alone for some reason. You should realise that both these woman have invested faith and trust in you and they don't want to be alone either. So no you are not going to be alone,unless you keep mucking them both around by not deciding what you want and moving forward with one of them.- Trying to be with both of them is like placing a bet on a horse. - Surely you love one over the other - or you too afraid to look?- You will need to be strong - decide which woman you actually want and pursue them. That is what the woman want.Only then will you not be alone.Good luck don't let this drag out too long and I hope you can make the decision with your heart and your mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have asked my ex to sit and talk out the problems we had in our relationship prior to her being pregnant which i see as sensible to see if there is a genuine way forward for us but she refuses to do this as i am still seeing this other girl. Is it so wrong that i want to try and sort out these issues before entering back into something that would cause even more hurt to everyone involved if we split again or live with our baby in a toxic enviroment
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): May I be blunt and say that you don't have a lot of years left - none of us do - life is short. So to get the stablility or happiness you are seeking you need to take yourself in very firm hand. Hopefully you can turn your life around and start afresh, it sounds like you want to but don't know how. Can you really see yourself at 55-60 years continuing to live like this, isn't it a huge strain for you, with no real benefit?
It doesn't sound like you are relationship material, right now anyway, I would not have a relationship with any woman in your shoes, until you sort out who you are and what you can offer yourself and others. You may be surprised at all the good things that you discover!
It may be after some deep self discoveries that you find out for example, you are actually committed to monogamy at heart but somehow met the wrong woman, or did not work on your weak character aspects or that you are too fickle in personality for a relationship and better off with a girlfriend rather than marriage.
Not everyone is cut out for long term relationships.
On the other hand I wonder if there is a hole or a gap in your life you are just trying to fill with affairs and ficklness?
Did you regret not entering a certain profession in life?
Or not having children or something else?
Good luck with your decisions!
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (2 March 2011):
 No, you do not sound like a waste of space, but you do sound like a guy that wants to have his cake and eat it too. In order for you to work this problem out, you are going to have to think about people other than yourself.
You are afraid it won't work out with the mother of your child because you wonder if she will be able to get past your affair(s). That's a legitimate concern, especially since you are currently involved with a girl that "you get on very well with" and it sounds like you don't want to give her up.
You have to decide whether or not you think the mother of your child will be able to get past your affairs, and you also have to decide if you can stop having them. How much is family life worth to you? The price tag is fidelity. Do you think you'll be able to manage that?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): thats what becomes of it eventually. its not going to work,you broke trust and she has every right to be suspicious of you. you had a chance and never changed it. you miss family life,but the one you should miss isn't loved and respected is she? carry on with the affair,its a better fit.using one as a back up shows you are the waste of space you say you are.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 March 2011):
You cheated and you two broke up and your girlfriend is willing to give you another chance and you are doubting because you don't want to be alone. This is the reason why cheaters cheat because they only think on themselves. You should feel happy that your girlfreind will swallowed her pride and give you another chance to have a family. You should try thinking on her for once in your life and put your families needs before yours.
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