A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is going on a three week trip to a different country. I'm not going because a) I don't have the funds and b) it's during the holidays and I want to stay with my family. He's going with his sister and a bunch of friends.Most of the friends, I believe, are female.My boyfriend has never cheated on me and has been nothing but honest this entire time. But after being cheated on in a previous relationship after my ex went on "vacation"... I'm a bit worried. Three weeks, popular tourist town, group of girls, foreign girls too!It just has me on edge. I don't want to be this way but it's hard to push bad thoughts out of my head. I've not brought this up to him in fear of seeming distrustful, paranoid, clingy, or like some crazy girl.But I am genuinely scared and it makes me feel sick. He absolutely has a right to go on this trip and I cannot, nor do I want him to, pass up the opportunity to see something different. But I just don't feel good.Any advice, comments, etc on how to get over this would be appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 Your ex is not your boyfriend. That's your new mantra now. Repeat it each and every single time these negative thoughts come creeping.
Loving someone, and having a relationship, involves the risk of having your heart stomped on. You take that risk, and you love blindly, in the sense that you can not ever really know what goes on behind your back. This is where trust enters the picture. You trust, by default, until you have been shown not to trust.
What's happened here (and which is quite common) is that you confuse not being able to trust your ex, with not being able to trust men as a whole. But people are individuals, and you can not generalize.
You never cheated yourself, did you? So you know there are people who do not cheat. I never cheated either, so at least now you know there are more people who do not cheat.
So repeat this: your boyfriend is not your ex. Your boyfriend is not your ex. Your boyfriend is not your ex.
Maybe your boyfriend is a cheater. But he might as well not be. Your aim in a relationship is to be with someone who's not a cheater, and so far he's proven not to be one. If indeed he is one, then that's on him, not you. All you can do is have hope, give trust, and see what happens. Trust that what you give to him is what you will get in return. Trust him, he will trust you.
PS. If your relationship isn't a good one, and there are many conflicts and this is just one of many things you are concerned about, and he's lied to you in the past etc, then maybe your fears are grounded and you listen to them. Because who wants to worry like this all the time? So if the fear of him cheating on you comes from HIS actions, and not from the actions of your ex, then think about whether the relationship is the right one for you or not.
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