A
female
age
36-40,
*heilaWatkins
writes:I have a huge problem, I'm 21 years old and have been married to my husband for almost 4 years but it seems like all we do is argue. I will get mad at the smallest things and it'll cause a huge fight and we say hurtful things. I don't know what to do or why I get mad so easily. I love my husband very much and I believe with all my heart he loves me but I am afraid that all the arguing is starting to take it's toil on our realtionship. I don't want to lose him becuase I love him so much but I don't know why I get mad so easily, can anyone tell me how to change that?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AngellicaWaters +, writes (2 July 2009):
 Sheila I really hope it does help! I wish you lots of happiness and totally manageable anger. :-)
A
female
reader, SheilaWatkins +, writes (25 June 2009):
SheilaWatkins is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks so much Angellica, what you said really made alot of sense.
I think I started being angry as a child because I was molested by my father then I was used by guys in my teens.
I think I just have anger toward men in general because of what has happened but I think what you said will help!
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A
female
reader, AngellicaWaters +, writes (25 June 2009):
Living in a constant state of conflict is not good for anyone, let alone for a relationship. Eventually your arguments will cause marriage problems if they have not already. Try thinking of it from your husband's perspective. Would you want for him to always react with anger towards you? Would you enjoy living in a house where your spouse was angry all of the time? I don't think anyone would enjoy that, even if they did love their spouse very much.
Eventually it would get to be too much and they would have to get out of the situation. This is and will be a deal breaker in any relationship.
Because of this, you really have to find out why you are so angry and do something about the way you are handling your anger.
First try to figure out why you are angry in general. Have you always been this way? Is it just that you don't know how to react any other way or is it a more recent issue? The good news if it's more recent is that the habits you have now in regard to dealing with your anger will be broken more easily if you try very hard to do so.
Try not to react immediately or talk with your husband when you are feeling angry. If you are in the same room as your husband, tell him you love him, but you need a few moments to collect yourself and calm down before talking with him and then leave the room.
While in another room, take a seat, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Try to calm down first. Then think about what is making you angry and figure out why it's making you so angry. If it's just a small thing, then you are giving something insignificant power over your emotions. Why would you want to give anything or anyone so much power over you?
You are a strong person and you can control how you feel. Try to think of a solution to the problem that is making you angry. You are strong and in control, you can handle it!
After doing this, try to think of something positive to counteract the negative feelings. Think of the sweet and wonderful things your husband/family do for you or say to you.
Once you feel calm and can speak to your husband in a loving and kind way, go talk to him about the issue that you are having (if it is with him) and always keep in mind that the next argument you instigate could be the one that pushes him away and ends your marriage and that is the last thing you want. Treat him with love and respect and always try to communicate with him only when the anger has left you and you can do so with love and respect.
Life should be joyful and marriage should be something that makes both you and your husband happy. Do something nice for him, do something nice for you as well and even when you don't feel like smiling, do it anyway while thinking of the sweetest things in your life, because even if you are not happy you are powerful enough to change your emotions and make yourself happy. A positive attitude is one of the most attractive qualities someone can have.
You have complete control over your life, your happiness and your emotions. If something doesn't make you happy, change your attitude and change what isn't making you happy. Having a positive attitude is essential and the more positivity you have the more positivity you will attract.
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A
female
reader, SheilaWatkins +, writes (25 June 2009):
SheilaWatkins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the advice, the thing that we need to work on really is communication. I will take something he says and take in in the way I want to hear it I guess. I feel at times that I do it just to make him mad and to start fights. I have had a horrible past and I am wondering if that could be the root of my anger?
~thanks for helping me though
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): It doesn't matter so much that you fight and argue, it is how you end the argument or how you handle the conflict that matters. You have to both feel like you have both been heard and understood and that you can come to some emotional closure on the matter, even if you disagree.
It is a myth that all issues are "fixable" in a marriage, in fact about 80% or more are not. But you do have to fight fair, stay on one topic at a time, and instead of just fighting about the topics, get to the deeper issues of how you feel about it and what you want to see differently in specific terms.
It sounds to me that you two have just fallen into some really bad habits with how you communicate and relate and you are driving each other crazy. It is difficult to help you here with that without observing you and seeing what is going on betwen you both.
I think this is a very good instance where marriage counseling could really help you both. Look for family or marriage counselor and make an appointment today as it could take a little while to get in.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): all i can say is learn to let go of the little things, it will make things easier. its kind of like little kids fighting only interfere if one is likely to get hurt by the other. so with the arguing and fighting pick the situations you think are likely to change the relationship for the worst or something like that. hope this helps =)
ps. im not married but in my bf/gf relationship it has helped
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