A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been married 20 years. My husband was laid off from his job, but got hired same type of work at a company in another state. We own a big home here and have a big labrador pet. I can retire in a year so I could not go. He left, calls me regularly, has been home a few times. I have been out to his place (which is not big enough for the dog in the complex he is in). He will not let me give the dog to a family. I ask if I should come out for the holidays. He will say, "wait and see in the next month or so". He never says he loves me or misses me anymore and I do not say it to him. He says he stopped saying it because I did which makes no sense to me. Would you say this marriage is over? To me it seems like it. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): It appears to me that the both of you have just grown indifferent and 'given up'. When you say you are retiring in a year, I am taking that to mean you have a job/career in which you have one year left to retire with retirement benefits. If that is so, I don't blame you for not wanting to move at this time. Usually, committed solidly married folk can do the long distance thing until to one or the other can make a relocation.
The dog is a family pet that needs room to run...your husband's new home can't provide that. You have offered to give the pet away and he doesn't want you to do that. But then again he's not living with you to care and love this pet, is he. I would say the dog is a 'weak excuse' for you not to relocate. He doesn't appear to want you to come out for holidays. You both aren't expressing love to each other.
I wouldn't say your marriage is over. But there are some big issues. You and he need to sit down and communicate as openly and honestly as you both can. By the way I am reading your posting it sounds like the two of you are not holding up each one's end of this partnership and that's not fair to either of you. Both of you are floundering here but I really don't think one should just roll over and call it quits.. Why don't you ask him to see a marriage counselor with you..someone who can help him and you communicate, thoughtfully and honestly, about how you both feel.
If you find he is not responsive to remaining married and working through the problems, then you will have no choice to make the break. Marriage includes two people, and it takes both to succeed.But firstly, let your husband know the seriousness of the situation. He must understand how important it is.. for him, to give you his input as you are still his partner..his wife. Give each other the respect and talk this through. That's all you can do. I wish you the best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Why did you stop? Don't you want to be married with him? It sounds more like you already gave up a while ago, not because of the marriage being bad, but because you don't want it any more.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (3 November 2009):
 It just seems like he is taking things for granted. He knows he has you back at home with the dog, and that he can call and visit whenever he wants, so why put in that extra effort? Plus you two have been together for so long, I doubt he thinks that the marriage will end any time soon.
I wouldn't count this marriage down and out as of yet. I would talk to him about things. I would ask him why things have changed between the two of you, and I would also say how you feel about the entire situation. The entire distance calls for compromise, and both of you should be putting in the effort to communicate with one another. Communication is essential (along with trust) to keep any type of relationship functioning. I think if you two have been together for that long, it's definitely worth trying to sort issues out. Ask him why he doesn't really seem to care if he sees you or not on holidays. Being together that long gives both parties the right to open honesty and fair questioning. I would highly advise you to try to fix things before considering this bond over.
I wish you the best of luck!
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