A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am an introvert and enjoy being alone. I am insecure about it because my behavior is out of the norm. I think girls will find me boring because I don't drink or like going out to parties and I am very reserved. A few girls have liked me but I didn't date them because I don't know how to date a girl and I was afraid that they won't like me once they got to know me because I am very different from everyone else.I have come to the conclusion that i must either change myself to a more outgoing and charismatic person or give up on dating because I don't hate my personality? What is the best course of action? or am I irrational?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): I (voluntarily) work with and know individuals who have Asperger's Syndrome, a condition stereotypically associated with introverts. Also, I have it myself, so I'm speaking from experience!
First of all, there is nothing wrong - some introverts prefer just one-on-one, tete-a-tete with a friend and actually have a lot to talk about (personal experience).
However, don't worry that much about it; personality stereotypes are just that; stereotypes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): I don't know your level of education or your profession. If nothing else, having a job takes you out into the public. You have to drive or take transportation. That requires you to leave the house. Step 1!
One of my bowling partners is a research chemist and mathematician. He is a certified genius.
He is very introverted and low key. He is a very average-looking fellow, a little over-weight, balding, and still lives with his parents at the age of 34. He wears glasses and has a beard. He is a nerd by any definition.
He is strange, if you consider people who keep to themselves as strange; but once you actually take time to talk with him; you see past his brilliance. You see more into his personality. He is very sweet and has a great sense of humor. He is very gentle. Yet he is socially awkward. He never approaches anyone. So we approached him.
We have a real estate agent on our team who loves to joke and clown around. He gave each member a nickname using their initials. Giving this guy the funniest nickname of us all.
Through it he gained attention and people recognized him for it. It pulled him out of his shell. He was just one of the guys. He could just relax and be a person amongst a group of other people. He allowed people to come near.
He got tired of always discussing formulas and the properties of compounds. He just needed to be noticed and recognized as a human being. Key word "noticed." He was in the right place at the right time. It just happened. He didn't jump out in the middle of a crowd and open his overcoat and scream "here I am."
My friend. That's all you need. To be noticed and accepted among other humans. In spite of your fears and how weird you think you are. No one can survive in isolation. It kills the spirit. Loneliness swallows you very soul. You become nothing more than a an empty shell.
He decided to bowl, not just for the recreation; but mostly for exposure to down-to-earth everyday people. We all come from various professions and have our own peculiarities. Believe me. Everyone is a little strange; if you could be a fly on the wall, and see them in their natural habitat.
You are strange because you're hiding, withdrawn, and you're a bit agoraphobic. Isolation makes you all the more afraid to come out. It's like opening your eyes in the morning in room filled with bright sunlight. You squint and slowly open your lids to get accustomed to the light.
That's what you have to do. Squint and slowly get used to having people around you. Get used to the light of humanity.
You lack stimulation from human interaction. That forces you to live inside your head. You're like a human clam. Impenetrable and closed off.
You fear stares and raised eyebrows. You and don't know what to talk about. You think people only notice what's strange about you, not the fact you're a person. Guess what,
they think you're just another person when they don't know you.
You learn by putting yourself in the middle of things. You just have to jump out there and take a risk. Your first step was writing your post to get some ideas. To reach out to other people. To be noticed.
Join an art class, learn carpentry, expose yourself to the arts. I don't suggest a sport. You may not be able to handle a coach. Maybe later on in time.
When you have no creative outlet; you have nothing to share or talk about. When you learn how to do something that develops a special skill; it gives you confidence. It builds character. You discover hidden talents.
By taking classes, you meet people of similar interests and you share something in common. As you learn you develop a camaraderie. You develop friendships and people dismiss that you may be a little strange. They bend your ear when they know you're a good listener. All they need is eye contact and your ears.
Sitting home playing video-games and staring into a mobile devices steals your soul. You become addicted to a virtual world and reality becomes frightening.
I'm hoping you're not a clone of Dexter or Hannibal. Or a reincarnation of Jack the Ripper.
I believe you live in Australia. There are thousands of activities and interests at your disposal. Just outside your front door. Find a niche.
Seek therapy if you think you have a mental disorder.
Are you already being treated for depression or any other social illness? If you don't get busy, you get dangerous.
The idle-mind is the devil's workshop. Get out and play.
You may be strange, but there are other strange people looking for someone who understands why they are like they are. You need to get a therapist to determine if there is any underlying mental disorder that requires treatment if you haven't already.
Were you ever abused, or kept isolated as a child? Did you witness a tragedy, or were you severely traumatized in an accident? Do you have problems dealing with some unusual disfigurement or disability? This is usually why people avoid the public. You're too young to be a hermit.
People can overcome anything once they put their mind to it. You've just given up and tell yourself you're happy with it. If you were, you wouldn't have reached out to people through your post.
Don't say what girls don't like about you, you never give anyone a chance to get close enough. You act strange; because you're afraid of being close to other people. That requires you to talk and look them in the eyes. You use shock value and strangeness to keep them at a distance.
You have to take baby steps. I recommend taking a class that teaches a special skill. You become focused and it brings out the creative side of you. Creativity can be shared with others. It draws people to you, and they appreciate both your talents and your eccentricities.
Joining a class isn't putting yourself out there directly,
You have a cover. An excuse for being there. You are there to learn how to do something and develop a special skill.
So you form a relationship with an instructor, have an excuse to be assigned to a partner or a group, and you learn to work on a project as a team-member; which builds character, and teaches you interactive skills.
I mean something for enjoyment, and totally not job-related. Just for fun and something you can brag about.
Maybe make a little cash on the side when you get really good at it.
Try my suggestion, then tell me you can't do it.
I am afraid no one here knows any magical way to help you, or transform you into an outgoing and extroverted love-machine.
Anything advice we can offer you, requires your participation and effort.
Advice is just empty words unless put to good use.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): You are prepared to change yourself to attract girls, right? That's a lot to ask from yourself. How about something easier that doesn't interfere with the "YOU" so much?OP, you need to let go of:-fearing to put yourself out there-thinking what girls think about you-thinking what THAT girl thinks about you (if she were thinking you're boring or whatever, she wouldn't date you, SIMPLE AS THAT)A time must come when you will look in the mirror and say, "I need to stop this bullsh!t". Yeah, that refers to your irrational fears.Can you choose when that will happen? Maybe. Maybe if you have a strong character you will be able to "program" yourself to stop worrying, just like you are programming yourself now to worry. Try it, it does wonders.Otherwise, work on improving your confidence. Master a hobby you like. Don't have any hobbies? Find one. Read articles on confidence building and adhere to their advice. There's a lot of ways to become confident, and yes, lots of them WILL work for you if only you'll have the guts to try them.Been there, done that.Good luck :)-an introvert guy, still working on self-confidence, who did what he wrote above and has been in a relationship for over a year with a girl he once thought was out of his league.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): You are lucky,women love to talk about themselves. Just sit there and listen. There are plenty of women who don't like bars. I do, but many of my girlfriends don't. The main reason is that they don't drink, and they don't want to see people who are getting buzzed. By the way, I think you are not quite understanding what introvert is. Introverts are not people who don't get out at all, or terribly shy. Shyness and introvertizm are two different issues. I am introvert, but I am not shy. I like to be alone, people make me tired very fast. This is how I recuperate by being alone. I like traveling alone, I don't mind at all. But i still need people as I get bored without them. I just need people in very limited quantities. You are not that unussual. Liking to be alone is just a quality that many people have, probably the same as other people who don't like to be alone ever.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 June 2013):
Dear OP,
Nobody's perfect, neither you nor the girls you could be dating. So you're not the outgoing type, guess what? There are girls just like you and they'd be happy to find someone with the same lifestyle preference. It sounds like you make some general assumptions about all girls before even getting to know one of them. I can tell you, women are not all the same and while some might be happy with an outgoing guy, others will enjoy an evening in front of the television and a weekend at home.
What you need to do next is to find another way to meet girls than going out, since you don't like that. For instance on the internet you can meet a lot of introvert people without even leaving the house :). But also cultivating a hobby will give you self esteem and put you out there.
If you find yourself boring and unable to offer anything to anyone, you might want to think about ways to make your life more interesting. But first of all, this should be for YOU and not just to please and entertain somebody else.
If you are generally afraid of rejection and other people, to a point where it seriously affects your well-being, you might want to see a counsellor. It might be that you suffer from social phobia and this is a condition that can be treated by a good therapist.
Good luck and feel free to update us about your situation. Or make your question a little more specific.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (12 June 2013):
I am painfully introverted as well, and yet I had a date with a different girl almost every week regularly through my 20s.I think many mistake introversion with other things. Introversion means being alone recharges you. Extroversion means being with others recharges you.Introversion is NOT:Lack of confidenceExcessive shynessWanting to be alone ALL the timeHaving a dull personalityBeing a nerdWhen I go to conferences, for eight straight hours I put on my outgoing face and mingle with everyone. That said, I cant wait to get up to my room alone and collapse in bed from exhaustion after it.What Im trying to tell you is being introverted is not an excuse for not getting out there and meeting people and having fun. You just need more alone time to recharge.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm very afraid to put myself out there
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 You're irrational. You say no to girls that like you because you're afraid they wont like you. So you end up dating no one, and giving NO ONE a chance to get to know you. How is that different from letting them get to know you and then leave if they don't like you? The end result is the same, except if you let them get to know you they might actually stick around and like you even more. Whereas when you reject them right away you NEVER get a chance of seeing where it might have ended up. You'll NEVER find someone who likes you for who you are if you continue to REFUSE to let them get close.
So, if you want to date, part of the game is to take a RISK. You absolutely have to let girls get to know you, and face possible rejection. Not every girl you let close is going to like you once they get to know you better. But that goes for EVERYONE, not just you. That's a risk everyone takes.
There are several introvert girls who would enjoy the company of another introvert. In addition, several extroverts enjoy the company of an introvert, as it gives their life more balance. So, do not make the assumption that no one will like you for who you are.
But you need to get out of your comfort zone and dare let people in, so they can get to know you. Dare let people see who you are, and then put your heart on the line for possible rejection. Maybe they will say they don't like you and maybe they will find you boring. But they might like you even more and maybe even want to marry you for all you know. But you'll never find out unless you take the chance.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 June 2013):
 I have come to the conclusion that i must either change myself to a more outgoing and charismatic person or give up on dating because I don't hate my personality? What is the best course of action? or am I irrational?
Changing your personality is not likely to be successful long term. I'm not sure how you can give up on dating when you haven't started. You have made the assumption of rejection before giving anyone the chance to accept you. That is where you are being irrational.
The best course of action is action. You need to be out there and available. You need to take some risks and ask for some dates. The best personality shift is to accept what you are and like it. That will give you confidence. Confidence is what they are looking for.
FA
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