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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid is gonna get a little heavy here...I need some empathy and advice from people who know and have been here, and know how damn hard it is to have an awesome equal partnership when you're the victim of multiple kinds of abuse and struggling like hell to get over it. Long story short, I (believe I) am a feisty, fun, individual, smart lady who isn't afraid to go against the current and be herself. That's honestly who I am, and always have been, but life's circumstances, shall we say...have not been kind to me. I saw my biological dad beating my mom to a bloody pulp all of my toddlerhood, and when I was six, he raped me. My mom demanded that he stop seeing me then, but did nothing else. I never received counseling. My mother herself is narcissistic (seriously), and always had to one-up me and ignore me when I talked about my pain. She never liked me, and I knew it. As a result of inner torment, I spent my childhood and teenage years doing almost literally nothing but reading, sometimes a thousand pages a day. Escape was the word of the day. My social skills and life skills were practically nothing. To add insult to injury, my mom's way of dealing with all this crap was to stick me in a fundamentalist church cult where I was told I was a wicked creature and had no agency (ability to choose, free will). You see where I'm going. By now you're probably thinking there's no way in hell I can be in a healthy relationship, but that's where I've damn near proven you wrong. In addition to all of the above, I have been incredibly resilient and am determined to look for the best in life and to look at my fellow human beings as brothers and sisters in what is sometimes a cruel and unfair life. I actually have very little residual anger towards my parents...they are hurting people who had no idea how to make the right choices.For a little over a year, I have been with the man of my dreams. It wasn't the abuse choosing, it was my gut, and it was a very good choice. We are compatible in every possible way. I had no idea I could have a friend and a lover like this man. Several times, he has almost broken up with me because...you guessed it...I retreat into wussy, whiny, needy, fearful, I-don't-have-a-choice-in-my-life mode. Looking at me and talking to me and being even my best friend, you would have no idea that I've gone through what I have. But he is extremely perceptive, and he knows that my abuse-related responses are systemic. That is, they come out in small ways in a fairly regular fashion. This morning, he stormed off again after screaming that he needs a PARTNER, not just someone he drags around and who goes along with everything, and I agreed. This is what I want too. I am just not always very good with execution. He's on the verge of breaking up with me again, and while, of course, this wouldn't be the end of my world, my gut tells me that this is the guy. Obviously I don't want to break up with him. I want to get my shit together, is what I want to do. I know how colossal an undertaking this is. And before you all tell me that I just need therapy, 1) I can't afford it, and 2) when I tried to afford it, it actually made me worse by making me overanalyze and dwell on little stuff, both of which I can do VERY well. This is where you come in. Those of you that have gone through something similar, however mild, please share it with me and what you have done that has helped. Recently, I have adopted the mindset of complete independence from this man that I adore, and focusing on being the woman who has a lot to give, rather than the woman who just takes and whispers, "Okay, honey." I know I can do this because I have proven I can. There's always a retreat to fear-based behaviors, though. I know I won't be perfect overnight. I know a past like mine is not just forgotten. I am not trying to do either of these things. I am trying to deal with them in a healthy manner and manage my pain and fear when it comes up, rather than reacting to it. Please help me. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right, not everyone can be strong all the time, but there's a difference between being vulnerable and feeling crappy and realizing it (and asking for his support in a way that he can give it), and dumping my supercrazytimes all over him constantly. The latter is what I've been doing, and he is understandably upset. He is a good man and is very open to supporting me through this. Sage, thanks for the advice -- and you might be happy to know that I actually went and found a GOOD therapist who seems to understand all the threads that make up my particular network of issues, and has the wherewithal to help. My boyfriend is touched and heartened that I've taken this step, and I've asked him to support me through it in specific ways that aren't unfair.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Everyone has weak moments, you don't have to be strong all the time. If your boyfriend can't accept that, then you need to leave as he doesn't sound like a supportive, loving boyfriend at all.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 I think you've described a great, healthy attitude about yourself, your past, life, in general, and your preferred future....... Keep going!!!!!
Perhaps, one of the most important things you can (and will) be able to do is call upon your preferred man-friend to be NOT ONLY your "boyfriend"... but also, the person who will hold your hand as you traverse the minefield of feelings/emotions/past hurts that have made you who you are.... IF you broach this subject with him... and IF he acknowledges understanding who you are - and WHY - then maybe you will have found your ally in turning your life in to one of fulfillment and joy.....
You've told us lightly - that you and he have - or almost have - made a breakup because of what you describe as your "retreating". NOW.... enlist HIM to help you (AND your relationship!) by being your rock... as you learn to go forward with more decisiveness.... more trust and confidence.... and you and he "grow" the relationship that the two of you - evidently - find rewarding....
Set guidelines for: How much YOU will expect from him, in accomodating you.... and WHEN he can expect to "see" improvements and/or changes in your behaviour... which (changes) will "tell" the two of you that YOU are coming out from under your cloak of your past....
At the risk of sounding "cute" or "glib".... make your new-life improvements a bit of a game.... a game in which BOTH OF YOU stand to "win"..... if the result is you being mentally and spiritually more durable.... and HIM getting an even-better "girlfriend" than the one he has now...
Good luck....
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