A
female
age
51-59,
*sunshine
writes:Hello.Just wanting some opinions from you uncles. How do you feel about marriage? I want to hear from the men that are married and the ones in relationships. It seems to me that it's usually (almost always)the women pressuring for an engagement ring. Or giving men a choice, to marry or ELSE.... Or that you guys do this only to make US happy...I'm currently in a 2 year relationship and we are very happy. He has been giving me mixed signals on "his take" on marriage. One day asking me if I would change my maiden name to his last name... :) Than one week later mentioning that "marriage is a just trap"... He told me that his boss cheats on his wife. I see it everywhere around me. I don't want him to be pressured by me in any way if he doesn't want to.I guess I want to know if I'm "the one?" How do you ask someone that, without sounding strange?Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): many men want to have a wife and kids to keep up with the joneses.
A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (13 June 2013):
1sunshine is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for everyone's input :)We both are divorced and have kids of our own. My ex husband and I felt the need to get married because our daughter came pretty quickly in our relationship (three months) than we had our son. We eventually grew apart from one another. I just want this time to be different.( with both of us having children already) It's not about having more kids or even the money for us. We are simple people. We share an apartment together with my kids, We don't own a house. It's not about having a huge diamond or having a big fancy schmancy wedding/reception. If anything a small wedding in the park with having family there or even at the Hall of Justice. We both get along with eachother's families. It's really not complicated for us as it is for most people. For me, it's simply about love and being committed to one another. I guess only time will tell. I do thank the person that made me realize that people do want different things besides what I had visualized.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 June 2013):
I am 45. I am also getting married for the first time in two weeks.
For me, it was all about being the right time w the right person. At my age, I have seen just about every type of woman out there. I have no need to sow my oats any longer, and have a gem of a fiancee. It was time for me. For some men, it may never be time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): My ex and I split up because I wouldn't marry him. His primary goal was a wife (if not me then the next girl), and I still wasn't sure. Some men do want to marry. Some men want a wife.
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female
reader, meccamega  +, writes (13 June 2013):
I disagree with you I'm female and didn't think it was the end of the world if I never got married. My parents are conservative on the other hand. I wasn't expecting it but my fiancé pushed the marriage thing much more than me. I've never brought it up once with any boyfriends. But my fiance is different. The wedding industry is still a huge industry and I guess people like to feel "special" and have a label to their rekationship. Not all women are desperate to get married.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Men have stopped getting married because marriage has stopped passing the common sense test for us. We get the same relationship that we already have, for a lot more financial risk in a divorce. Not only is everything we own on the hook, but all our FUTURE earnings too! Our entire LIFE could be ruined by this deal!
Another factor is the marriage itself. they are too damn expensive. Even an average marriage by today's standards means blowing a year's income in a few hours for a party. The wife's family is traditionally supposed to pick up the tab but we aren't stupid. We know that is going end up costing us a lot too, even if its not directly and not right away.
The other thing is the pressure from women to "man up" and "do the right thing" after a certain amount of time. Why must we still hold up our end of the traditional family bargain when women don't have to do it anymore? Its okay for women to be unmarried and living with other men before they get married. They can do this for years or decades if they want now. They get to ignore it during the time when it would restrict their fun. But as soon as women have grown tired of "breaking free of the shackles of outdated values" in their youth, they turn around and expect men to deliver our end of the old bargain as if we still owe them that. Do people have freedom to choose their own unmarried lifestyle without prejudice these days or not? I see women wanting to have the right not to marry when they want it. But women turn around and try shame men into giving up that right as soon as the single life is losing its luster for them and they want some security.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 June 2013):
 Husband number one married be because "if I don't commit I am going to lose you and I don't want to be alone"
Number two married me because I told him marry me or leave.
Number 3 wanted to get married because he "always wanted a Mrs."
but my current husband (number 4) is my favorite story and the one that made me understand men so much more.
When I met him I wanted fun and games. He was much younger, he was long distance and I was not available for anything but occasional fun and games. He was fine with this as his said that marriage was stupid, he didn't believe in marriage and he was NEVER getting married.
Worked for me. Worked for him too. Till he fell in love and did not want to lose me. The NIGHT before we got on the plane to go to Vegas for the wedding I told him, "We don't have to get married." But HE wanted to get married.
I have a male friend who got married for the first time at age 52. Took him that long to find the right woman.
FWIW, every man who has ever married me has known in under a year that he was going to do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): To answer your question it would depend where the men live and the accepted norm in their geographical area. In a successful relationship it is just not what the man wants that counts. So if you feel that way then you have issues I am afraid. If you wanted to start a relationship with a man for the long haul it wont to long to find out if there is marriage going to happen. May I turn the question around and ask what you want? Your generalized statements don't hold a lot anymore in the 21st century. If I am going to start a long term monogamous relationship then the possibility of marriage is important.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): I will give you my take as a single gay man. Gay marriage is legal in my state. What is my view on marriage?First, I will tell you from a man's perspective. I was in a long-term relationship for over 20 years. Gay marriage was not legal in my state, before my partner passed away. Would I have wanted to marry, were he alive today? Cautiously, I'd ponder all the realities. Obsess over the pros and cons. Pace the floor in angst and contemplation.It would take me months to make a final decision.I enjoy my freedom and independence. I also appreciate monogamy, and I don't have a problem being faithful to one person at a time.Marriage scares me. I fear the end of it. It's called divorce. If you mess up, and if you sin, you go to divorce court!!! That's hell on earth. I know people who've been there. It's terrible.I'd be taking a risk with my freedom. I would be swearing by sacred vows to love and honor a person; who may not live up to that promise. They may be hiding nasty little secrets, or have an undiagnosed multiple-personality disorder. We'd be hitched forevermore? WOW!!!First comes engagement. It's a promise made with a ring.The cost may very, but if it's cheap, it means you don't really love me that much. I'm worth at least A solitaire diamond set in platinum. If you change your mind and decide not to marry me; I want fair compensation at the pawn shop.I'd be less inclined to break the engagement, I'm a man of my word.Before I'd agree to marry anyone; I'd recall every argument and fight. To make sure there was nothing said in anger that might have been a red-flag. It takes time to research the archives, so I have to be given sufficient time. Every negative subject, predicate, verb, noun, pronoun or adjective ever uttered, would clutter my memory banks. I must review each with thoughtful consideration. That also takes time.Therefore; decision making would come to a crawl. I love this person without question. Tie the knot? I can't kick you out when you act like a jerk anymore?Marriage? WOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!! Weddings are pretty, but they are not a true preview to what being married will be like.I might make a mistake my partner wouldn't be able to forgive me for. A piece of paper says I can't just hide for six months and call back after they have cooled off. Sex with the same person forever. YIKES!!! No more booty calls out of the blue. No more single vacations. I'd lose a lot of closet space.I may decide to have a family with that person, and end up fighting for the custody our children. That's a scary reality. When married people get angry at each other, awful things can happen.What if I made some terrible mistake and lost custody? I love children. I can't image giving up the little ones that look like me, and have my last name and DNA. Yes, gay people make their own children. We don't have to adopt. This is the 21st century. Surrogates are the trend these days, or sperm donors. The thought that someone could be so hurt and angry at me they could deny me the right to live with my family, in the house I helped paid for, and lose half of everything I own makes me take it all very very very seriously. Procrastination would be my only comforting recourse.There are no guarantees, but I know that it would be truly worth it; if I could spend the rest of my life with someone that I'd give my own life to protect. I know how to love that hard. I'm a romantic. My parents never divorced. Most of the people in my family lived to see their spouses die of old age, or they're still hanging in there. Yet it still scares me. I lost my partner to cancer. I know what being a widower feels like. It would be tough to face that again. I just broke-up with someone. There is grief for the loss; but he's still alive. Darn it!Men have a built-in fear of being captured. It dates back to our primal cave-dwelling days. If cornered, out-matched, or under threat...retreat and flee. Since we have evolved, it is now more psychological than physical. Marriage is seen as a threat. Even captivity.I loved coming home and finding someone loving waiting for me; or texting me to let me know they're not too far behind and on their way. I like sharing a warm bed and exchanging stories and jokes in the dark. I like having someone at my side when I fight battles, always on my side, and able to make me smile when the world comes crashing down on my last thread of happiness. If I knew it was that simple, I'd jump in feet first. But it ain't that simple. I'm allergic to nagging.My married friends act nice when their in-laws are around; but shutter the minute they're notified that they're coming. I get all nervous when they do that. I always got along with my partner's parents. In fact, they were my second parents. It seemed to be a unique situation in my case.All my married guy-friends talk like they were forced to prove something to their in-laws. What??? I gotta know!!!It makes me scared and hesitant to decide if I want to be forced to do that someday. Do in-laws go from nice to evil once you take marriage vows? I listen to horror stories at parties and picnics and bar-b-ques. You have to whisper! In-laws have a super-human sense of hearing. Beer is a truth-serum. So I know married guys full of beer don't lie! They tell ya everything that happens.I guess to sum it up, what scares me about marriage is divorce. The horror stories of divorce are even worse than the devil-possessed in-law stories. The statistics of divorce and the odds against happy marriages are the only thing that scares men about it. Angry married people are different from angry people just in a relationship. They do mean things to each other.I know what women like marriage so much.Women get all caught up in one day. A pretty dress, an expensive diamond, lots of flowers, people oooowing an awwwing while she slowly advances toward a alter decorated like she's about to be sacrificed like a virgin by an Aztec priest. They get neat presents, and everybody gets drunk because they know. You better celebrate now. This one day!I want to get married. I just want to be sure that when I do it, I've chosen the right person. I want to be sure that we are doing it for the right reasons, and that we both realize how serious the institution of marriage is. I don't want to walk into it blindly. I want to make the decision whole-heartedly; with little or no hesitation, and I want to be excited about it.I would fight my fear of captivity; if I knew the captor gave me enough time to make the right decision.I also want a guarantee that there will be lots of great sex and good food; and very little fighting. I want that in the vows, and on a signed contract.Straight men are different. They aren't afraid of getting married. They'd do it in a skinny-minute. So fear of marriage in their case is a myth. Read and see.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): The correct answer to your question is that generalization is always wrong. Men are not one group with a collective similar mentality that they'd wish to do this and not wish to do that. Different people want different things. While some men could be absolute fans of marriage, and really big on the idea, others couldn't care any less, and bachelor life is only what appeals to them, and between these two extremes you'll find endless scenarios of milder cases on either side.
Any personalised answer from any man would express only their very school of thought regarding the subject-matter.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 June 2013):
Many men don't care one way or another, but do it to make their women happy. Some men feel like the women they're with is the best they'll ever find and they want to "lock it down". Some guys want to marry any girl that makes them feel special... There are so many variations.
I would err on the side of men not feeling as strongly about marriage as women through.
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