A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for months and he really likes me. He has recently started to pressure me to introduce him to my family. This has been happening the past few weeks and I haven't let it happen. My boyfriend is convinced that I'm embarrassed of him because I had a religious upbringing while he is divorced, and because we have an age gap relationship (he is ten years older than me). But that's not it at all.My boyfriend is very successful and from a successful family, whereas I am not from a successful family at all. Both my parents are unemployed, and have been since before I was born. My dad is also a schizophrenic alcoholic and my town drunk - he is infamous amongst my towns' bars and pubs. He is also obese (another reason he is laughed at and looked down on by the rest of the town). My siblings have grown up into lives not much different, sadly. I am the only one working. I did not tell my boyfriend anything about my upbringing (except small things like being religious), but he seems to assume that I'm from a decent working class family. But I'm not. I grew up in a working class town and I remember at school being made fun of for being the 'scummy,' girl and treated by teachers like an imbecile because of their low expectations. I know I shouldn't be ashamed of my family and I should just grit my teeth and get this over with, but being proud of where you come from is hard when you live in a conservative society where families like mine are held up as the reason anything goes wrong. I'm currently at university studying for my honours - I'm drowning in a sea of the privileged and successful. I'm afraid I'll bring the boyfriend home to my parents' dirty, drink smelling house and he'll think the gap between us is too wide. Or worse, thinks I'm a girl trying to escape this life by getting involved with someone with money. What should I do here? He wants to take my parents out for dinner so that he can introduce himself and make a good impression, but the thought of my neurotic drunk father seated in a posh restaurant makes me want to die. You understand don't you? What do I do here? I've thought about simply explaining the situation to my boyfriend and then meeting them after I've scrubbed the house (and my parents!!!), so that he can mentally prepare himself. Or should I just spring them on him? How do I make sure he still knows that we're not too different? I am SO afraid of what he'll think :/
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (15 May 2011):
 I completely understand where your are coming from. I never invited friends over after school for very similar reasons. My father would still be in his pajamas at 4pm!
But when I really knew I was very serious about the man I eventually married I had some serious talks about my distress about the situation, and my reluctance to have him visit for that reason. And the fact that things were so bad that I knew I might lose him over it made it doubly bad.
But I was very lucky, he knew enough about me to know the real me. And he had enough faith in me to overlook my family when he did meet them.
He even insisted on accepting an invitation to a meal. I warned him not to, but he went ahead. That was a bit of a disaster.
Yet despite it all he saw that my thinking and attitudes were different to my family. But lesser men or a man looking for excuses to back out of the relationship might have walked away.
Tell him that just inviting him (without fully briefing him first) would cause you too much distress. Point out that you do not want to lose him.
And yes a thorough clean up of the house might be in order, if your parents are willing, but that may be too much for you. That was one issue that I did not have to contend with, but there wasn't a lot in the house anyway, so it wasn't overly messy.
Though the atmosphere and the drinking and the arguing - they were all things that I especially found distressing.
Tell him that you are seriously concerned that you will lose him if he visits. Warn him fully the extent of the problem. And indeed you may lose him.
But if he cares enough he will stick by you.
If you do lose him you may even have to consider making your way in life without the ?support? Of your family People romantise 'families' as if all are perfect. The truth is that some families are toxic. And in such families it can be better to break away completely, and live your life entirely apart, from a toxic family.
A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo  +, writes (15 May 2011):
 I think your best option is to sit down with him and tell him everything, how you feel about them, what they are like now and what they were like when you are going up, everything. As hard as it sounds it is always best to get everything out in the open with nothing hidden, if he is a nice guy like he seems then he will understand that you are just a nirmal girl trying to do better for herself with your studies. springing it on him when they are there is not fair and he may feel hurt you didnt feel like you could talk to before hand.If you are honest he reallt shouldnt judge you!
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (15 May 2011):
 You should explain these concerns to your boyfriend. Taking someone home to meet the folks is a pretty big step and that implies you should be comfortable discussing such things with him.
It is a great pity that your parents live in such a way but you will not be able to hide anything like that indefinitely - especially if it is as severe as you write.
I hope this helps and keep us all updated on here
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