A
female
age
36-40,
*anpopo
writes:my guy and i have been dating for at least 8 months now. from the beginning it was wonderful. he is an amazing, creative, kind individual. we've both made mistakes. i've been overly emotional and overbearing because he made the mistake of lying to me about his ex, hiding things from me, and flirting around online when to me, that is a bottom line "no". in other words, we're human. but we fought for a very long time before taking a "break" for about a week early last month. he was quick into getting online and talking to a ton of other girls, but he said it was honestly just to talk when i did ask him about it. i know he flirted, he knows this. but he hasn't since and we've been back together. we started fighting again, but he is planning on moving in early june. he is separating from the marines and going to the army reserves at that time and will be moving from virginia to minnesota. after we got back together he became very unsure about us, and even went so far as telling one of his friends that he doesn't see it working after we leave. he's told me that the reason he said that is not because he doesn't want us to work, but because he doesn't see it working right now, as we are. i agree with him on this but it makes me very anxious to go with him (which has been the plan since about 3 months after we initially started dating). i know that i want to marry him. i have been very good and steady about not being as emotional as i have been, and even didn't get emotional until the end of the week where he had been in trouble with his gunny and couldn't leave base or see anyone. (mainly guests that aren't marines). and this is the weekend after and his brother is here, so he still won't be down to stay with me here at my place. i am about to go see him but i'm not sure what to do any more. we had a very very long talk last night and he said it helped, he held me and kissed me after he said this and he doesn't want to talk about life after the marines/ us tonight because he's still churning it in his head.i'm sorry if this is a little mixed up. we've had our problems, but we seem ok now. i'm distressed that he's leaving and that it will ruin my chance. i want to marry him but without him being sure, how can he reassure me? i would actually pop the question myself given the chance, but at this point he's said he can't commit to helping make this a "healthy relationship" so i'm very sure he'd say no to marriage.... i'll elaborate if you have questions. thank you for the help!
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female
reader, Original shiraz!  +, writes (8 May 2009):
Hiyah, maybe marriage isnt the answer just yet? You have something very speacial i just dont see this as the ideal time or situation for this highly commited path, both of you need to have a full heart in such a huge step and right now i dont feel either of you can be 100%, not saying you never will, just not now.
Its always a difficult situation when he has to leave and your relationship is left hanging which has a huge effect on what happens next, the lucky ones make it through with the support of each other but it can always go the other way and the whole thing will eventually spiral out of your control. Especially with his commitments, his life is made for him and he has to flow with what hes asked as part of his job. It will be difficult for him to reassure you fuly as he isnt aware of his own fate yet, try and be paitent with this, he knows what position this puts you in and it can make you a lot stronger.
This will be the 'make or break' if you like, of your relationship, yet with the circumstances will come with many hitches along the way, its weather your willing to sit through the rie or not, your lucky in that if you dont want it you can always get off yet from what youve said i doubt this is the case.
Every couple has a past, it shapes thee future and the people they become but you have to stop it affecting your future and leave it as past. If you let the past remain with you both then youll never find the way forward.
He will need time to balance the situation and relationship in his head, you both will, give him the time he needs but dont leave it too late, im sure hell respect you for this in the long run.
You show a lot of love for him so dont let what you have go, hes probably craving reasurance too you can find it from each other, you need to work at this together in order to gain something and keep what you have but making it stronger. i really hope you find the way with each others support best of luck xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): I hate saying this to you, because I know I hate hearing this from people about me and my bf, but I honestly don't believe he is right for you. Obviously, I know only a tiny, tiny, bit about your relationship though. But I do know that we women try so hard to see the best in some men, to give them the benefit of the doubt, when in actuality, they shouldn't be causing us so much doubt in the first place. YOU should not be caused so much doubt (ie: him flirting online, hiding things) when you have done nothing (i hope) to make him doubt your faith in him. You having emotional issues doesn't mean you are not faithful, although it may cause problems in a relationship. If he is not able to understand who you are and see that you are trying for the sake of the relationship to change, then there will always be problems...and you both will end up so unhappy. I'm sorry. A lot of it has to do with compatibility.
I think the fact that he says he doesn't think it's gonna work, is very significant. I have been the one feeling this way in my relationship. And I feel this way because I see how incompatible we often are...we see things so differently sometimes, and therefore we fight practically once a week. This causes me a great deal of unhappiness and I start to think about how I don't want to be so unhappy for the rest of my life. I know relationships take work, but the ideal one, shouldn't be so incredibly strenuous on me and my heart. Plus, the idea of starting a family and fighting all the time in front of my children is so deeply disheartening to me. I also catch myself wondering about that perfect guy for me..the one who I could be so much happier with. I'm afraid this may be what your bf feels, especially since you keep catching him chatting online with other girls. I don't even do that.
You are so very young...you WILL meet someone else who loves you more than this...or maybe who will be more compatible with you...or who will be more "sure" about you. Life is too short to be with someone who's only half-sure about you, you know?
Ok, as I write this, I am realizing that you probably will not take heed of anything I've said to you so far. So, the best advice I can give you in order to try to keep your man, is to make it clear to him your feelings for him, but that you're not going to put up with an unequal partnership..where you give and give and get nothing in return. If he's unsure, it's ok, but he has to make an effort to make things work. Or else you both are wasting each other's time. For assurance, you could ask him to promise that he will make an effort. If he says so and proves so, that should be assurance that you may eventually get to where you would like to be- ie: marriage.
Good luck, I hope I was able to help a little.
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