A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have this guy that I have been chatting with online for awhile now and he has become almost like a boyfriend of sorts. We don't refer to each other as such but the conversations that we have give the impression of two people that really like each other.We are aiming to finally meet up in person at the end of this year and I know there will be sex. It is one of those things that we talk about during our conversations with one another. He wants me and I want him. However I have something that I am scared and nervous about – my body.There have been certain emotional triggers in my life - such as someone that stalked me at my place of work for awhile and then attempted to rape me - and I have always turned to food as a way to cope. Unfortunately this also led to a lot of weight gain – my highest being at 330 on my 5'7” frame. Right now I am holding steady between 190-195 but you don't lose that much weight and not have some body issues like stretch marks, flabby skin, deflated boobs, etc. I HATE myself for allowing it to happen but unfortunately I can't change the past.This guy has seen a couple of pictures of me but I am wearing clothes so it does not show off any of the body issues I have. He has told me that he “likes what he sees” but I am nervous beyond all belief that once he really sees me in my naked form, he might reject me. My body isn't the grossest thing ever – it could be worse –but it isn't something that guys would probably not find immediately attractive either.What is worse is that sometimes when we talk he will mention things like he can't wait to see me in a bikini or that he wants to take me out someplace where I can wear a short skirt or hot, little dress. I know I don't have the body for THAT – I will put on something like a tankini or a longer skirt/dress, but nothing TOO sexy or revealing because I can't pull it off unless I have surgery to fix the issues I have, which is something that I don't have the money for. It pains me partly because I allowed myself to do these things to myself. Also I feel like I am not being fair to him because in my eyes, he is irresistible and is someone that works out at the gym and is nicely built – why would he ever settle for someone like me? That isn't to knock him as a person because he has always been very nice and caring to me even when I know I have been mean to him occasionally after a bad day, but I am just being realistic here. I go to the gym regularly now and am fairly active, but I can only do so much...Which leads me to wonder what I should do... I really, really care about this guy a lot. Getting to know him has been a true blessing in so many different ways, it is like we were meant to cross paths when we did. That being said, again, I am terrified that he might reject me if he really saw me when I am at my most vulnerable. If that were to happen that would just tear me up on the inside and devastate me, even though I would understand the reasoning why through no fault of his own.I am not sure if I should tackle this issue at all –or if so how I should go about doing it. I don't think I can come right out before we have even officially met and say “Oh yeah I spent a few years as a morbidly obese woman before losing a bunch of weight” but I almost feel like I need to find out if he likes me enough to accept me with the physical flaws that I have without directly saying that I do if that makes sense just to see if I have a realistic chance with him. I don't know. I just really need some help here because it is seriously bothering me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 February 2013):
 I would be honest with him now. Tell him about your past abuse and the body issues you have. It's going to be evident when you meet and you may as well prepare him for the reality of your situation.
There's a big red flag here for me. You are becoming very sexual online with a guy who you have not met in real life. You are setting yourself up for disappointment. I know people meet up online and flirt and talk about sex and all that but you have invested emotionally in him without having met him.
He's expressing fantasies about you and how you will dress and you know full well that you will not be comfortable wearing the outfits and bikinis that he is expecting.
You both are creating fantasies that cannot be met in reality and you may as well face that before you wind up very emotionally bruised and upset. This is bothering you so much because you have presented an image of yourself to him and it isn't the real you. The real you is a lovely woman with some ego knocks and emotional scars who deserves a guy who appreciates her AS SHE IS right now.
You say you want him and he wants you. I will say to you that you want the image that he has portrayed and he wants the image you have portrayed.
If he's into you as a whole person with all the flaws and quirks and history that you bring, he will be able to accept the real you. If he's into some fantasy image that you have portrayed, of course he's going to be disappointed when the real you shows up.
Stop pretending. Be yourself. You are good enough, just as you are.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 February 2013):
Dear OP,
Body issues or not, I wouldn't want to have sex on a first date (anymore, because I've learnt my lesson..). And no matter how long you both have been communicating online, this will be your first real date. Isn't this a bit of a rush, to go from no body contact to full body contact?
Right now, you're only worried about whether he likes you. But what if you meet this guy in person and suddenly, you realise, "no, I don't find him attractive"? Or "no, I am not ready for this"?
Especially if you've been through something as traumatic as attempted rape, I'd recommend you get to know this man better, in person, before having sex. After all, he might trigger some bad memories if you're in bed together and you don't feel safe enough with him yet.
If I was you, I'd just suggest that you meet for a date, but say you want to wait a little longer before you get intimate. If, after some more dates, you get to know him better and find him nice enough in real life and feel comfortable at the thought of having sex with him, you can talk to him in a calm and nonsexual moment to tell him about your issues. If you both still want sex by then, go for it.
See, if you both were meant to be and he's really such a blessing in your life, then he'll be able to slow things down and have patience with you. If he won't do that for you.. well, then it might be a good thing you didn't sleep with him, because it probably wouldn't have been much fun anyway.
Take care of your safety and pleasure. That's the first priority.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (28 February 2013):
 why you waiting til the end of the year. Bye that time he will be moved on who waits 8 to 9 months to meet someone that there involved with just saying.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (28 February 2013):
I am understanding to women weight issues even men have them. Why get so worked up about nothing, He will enjoy every part of you regardless if he cares about you that wont make a difference. Unless he is very shallow like a lot of men and insensitive. Love goes beyond flesh it goes skin deep. your attitude and personality outweighs physical in truth and honesty.STOP BEING SCARY. Just kidding. But fear not its all good not all men like stick petite women. I like thick juicy shapes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@IAmHereToHelp: First off thank you for your reply1. I can't use Skype because of my computer but I have seen video of him before so it isn't a case of him lying about who he is looks wise2. I agree with that wholeheartedly. I lost weight through a combination if diet, exercise, and willpower. I am proud of myself in that regard. It is just that I am dealing with the side effects now. I want surgery to feel more comfortable in my skin but it is not feasible at this point.3. I understand where you are coming from but this isn't just some random person I met last week. We been communicating for almost a year now and have gradually been growing closer. We talk daily and he means a lot to me. He has been one of the few positives in my life and I think I am just afraid of losing that as our relationship deepens and seems to be moving in THAT direction.
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