I'm a younger man in (mutual) love with an older married woman. I'm falling a part at the seams... help!

A male age 36-40, *chultzy writes:

I am a 22 year old male that has never had a problem getting a gorgeous and great girl. About 14 months ago I somehow, beyond all reason, started romantically seeing an older married woman in her late 20's who started out as one of my best friends. She came by my house one night and the intimate attraction was too much to bear, although I pushed her away when she kissed me at first telling her she was married, I couldn't help myself and brought her back in. Since that point our relationship has blossomed into the most beautiful and honest thing I've ever experienced. She is my best friend, soulmate, and lover...and I know without a doubt she feels the same way. Our moods a literally made sour when we can't talk to each. We are incredibly passionate and intimate, although we made the decision a long time ago that we won't have sex until she is divorced, although oral is a different story. We talk about being together openly all the time and she has denounced her husband for a long time and given all her love to me. We talk about having children and even have a name picked out, Marley, if its a little girl. She's literally my idea of a perfect woman, she is beautiful, energetic, funny, caring, passionate, and she has millions and openly says she loves being my sugar mama (which is not what I love her for, but is certainly the icing on the cake). We spend every moment possible together and they are the best of our lives and talk for hours on the phone. We have a tight knit group of friends, but our true passion has never been exposed to them or her husband, and at times I have partied with her husband and her at the same time. She has been married for several years and with him for about a decade, but for the last two she has regretted marrying him and seen him for the selfish, violent, controlling, and both verbally and physically abusive man he really is. She has never really been alone, and always in a controlling relationship, I think its all she knows. I treat her with the upmost respect and kindness that she hasn't ever had and I think she uses that as an escape from the reality of her situation. He has millions as well and they live a very comfortable life style, which I think is why she is afraid to leave him once and for all. Recently, there was a violent episode that ended up with her moving out for what I thought would be the last time and the end of the relationship. Everybody in her life, from her parents, to friends, to her psychologist, to me say she needs to stay separated. I think she doesn't know how to be alone and a little while back, she moved her stuff back in with her husband, not saying she was getting back with him, but that she needed to be at her house (for the comfort factor I think). This absolutely killed me, and recently she has started to not be 100% honest with me, which is really the foundation of what we have always had. She obviously is still attached, and we have talked about it, but I don't know what is going through her head that she is not telling me, as I don't really trust that she is being totally honest. To make the situation worse, she went to a wedding of some mutual friends, that was planned before the separation, in europe with her husband for 3 weeks (shes still there), which has been absolute torture for me because I know she is sleeping next to him and on the phone admitted she gave in to him when he kissed her (out of weakness), but she claims to have not had sex with him at all (I will get that truth from her when she gets back though). We still talk every day, and she has spent over $500 in phone bills talking to me while she's gone and says she is moving out when she gets back, although she is the kind of person who says things to appease people and may not do them. I am just in an absolute quandry. I am young and could have almost any girl I want, but I am infatuated with this woman to the point that although she is married, I have not been with any other women since that fateful night as vow of faith to her. I think I have put up with a lot of hardship and heartache over the last year, because I really do want to spend my life with her and she says she does with me, which is why it is so hard to understand why she hasn't left him yet. While she has been on this trip it has been absolutely tortoreous for me to the point I don't even want to hang out with my friends and it has really made me really question what I am doing in this situation and if I am just setting myself up to have my heart broken. I'm pretty confused as I know I should be having a great time at this point in my life, but I'm so caught up on this woman that I feel like she is the only one out there for me. I don't even look at other women the same way anymore, they just don't do it for me like she does...she really is the complete package. If somebody out there has any words or advice, insight, or just wants to tell me what a dumbfuck I am please let me know. I'm not a bad person, I'm just in a tough situation and truly trying to give this great woman what she deserves and this is my last attempt to try to make a little sense out of the last 14 months of my life so please...if anybody actually read this huge sob story I wrote, let me know.

View related questions: best friend, divorce, married woman, soulmate, violent, wedding

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008):

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