A
female
age
30-35,
*nthro
writes:Fifteen, sexually charged, and without a viable outlet.Okay so I'm not the type of girl to deny the fact that I do indeed have needs, I like to explore myself, and there isn't anything wrong with that. Now to my problem. I've never had a boyfriend, and not because I haven't had offers, but because the only type of boyfriends I'm interested in aren't boys. I like older men someone about 10-20 years older than me, you know the whole mentor/protégé thing. I've always been more mature than any of the teens I know, and I'm already signed up for college in the fall.My issue is, I'm a virgin in the classical sense, and I would like my initiation to be done by someone who knows what they're doing. Now I understand the laws, and I'm willing to wait till I'm legal, but how do I approach the older man I like about this, and even if he is interested, how do I explain it to my family?I mean I think my mother would understand. When my father and her got together - he was sixteen years older than her, but she was also in her thirties. Any suggestions?Thanks to all who reply.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): I think that if you're going to wait until you're at legal age then you have plenty of time to get a hold of what you're feeling, by the time you're 18 you will know yourself much better and be more confident, i don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be with an older man but i don't think a relationship with such an older man at your age would be the most successful thing to do. When i lost my virginity it was to someone 4 years older than me (i know this is less years than you've mentioned, but i was 15 at the time) because i felt like i wanted my first time to be with someone who had more experience, this actually turned out to be the complete opposite and he was actually a virgin too!! As i'm sure you can imagine i was dissappointed with this fact initially but in the end i don't regret having lost my virginity to this person. Basically at the end of the day if you like older men then thats how you feel, as long as you are aware that nine times out of ten in cases of much older men wanting to be with younger women say your age or 18, then its usually either just seen as a bit of fun/excitement most definitely on their part as they feel they're getting old and they want to 'live' abit or because they can't actually keep the attention of anyone their own age!! As long as you're careful and find a decent guy (but be sure so you don't get hurt) then good luck, but be patient because its more than likely that the right guy just hasn't shown up yet, so don't get too hung up on 'looking' for this older guy that you want 'it' to be with. x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008):
There's no automatic outcome that an older guy will be any better or any more considerate/gentle than a guy your own age.
Experience only helps if the guy actually learned anything from it. And he only learned anything from it if he was trying to be sensitive to the whole thing and was in a relationship long enough to learn someone's feedback about sex. And that kind of grown man is usually not the one that likes to de-virginize 15yo girls on the side later on.
Meanwhile, a fellow teenage guy stands a much better chance of viewing you as someone to listen to and value and learn from himself. He might not have experience (or he might) but an inexperienced well-intentioned lover is gonna do you better than an experienced jerk out for a trophy fuck.
This is not what you want to hear, but it's all true.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): I'm 27 and wish so badly I had waited to get physical with anyone. I know everyone says that, but please it's true...don't do it now, you are far too young, even though you don't feel like it, and everyone around you feels mature,and I realize sex makes sense because your brain and body are ready for it. At my age, I constantly meet all these guys who slept with people in high school and then are upset that they can't marry an inexperienced girl. It's a double-standard, but unfortunately, it exists and doesn't seem to be going away. My boyfriend is 43!!!! and he is STILL insecure about guys I've slept with in the past...he resents it,and I"m like, what???? You've slept with more people than me....doesn't matter, never does...I'm a girl. It's the way it is. Just keep this in mind. You may lose points now socially for staying a virgin, but, later, when you are an adult and living on your own, wishing for a companion to last the REST OF YOUR LIFE--not just through Valentine's Day, you will regret it if you can't be with certian guys because they think girls who lost their virginity at a young age are "screwed up in the head".
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): Hey, I realize that you thought about this and it makes perfect sense to you right now, but in a couple of years, you will see that this is a bad idea for your own development.
It is completely normal to be attracted to authority figures, but you should really be developing and learning with someone around you age or slightly older. An older man, while he may be more experienced, will not remember what its like to be a teenager and have the same mindset as you. He'll leave you with your first impression of men, and when eventually you'll have to deal with your own age group.. you'll have to re-adjust to dealing with immature and young boys, something you should be doing now.
The other reason why this is a bad idea is because you obviously want to learn from this older man. The thing is, an older man who can teach you about being mature, and life and dealing with sex in a mature manner will be a hot commodity with women his own age. Chances are, he'll already be taken. So you're going to have to look for a single older man which is a) actively not interested in women his own age or can't get a woman his own age (is there anything wrong with him) and b) willing to be with a girl 10-20 years younger. Yes, people fall in love of different ages all the time, but they fall in love b/c they fall in love due to circumstances and being together a lot, not because of physical reasons.
But the main reason why I think this is a BAD idea is because I'm in my mid 20s now, but I look VERY young (like I'm 17) and the kind of single older men that I get hit on... are losers. I frankly would be afraid to touch with a ten foot pole and I honestly hope that you lose your virginity to someone like that. I'd say, if worst comes to worst, immature inexperienced boy is better than someone's who can't get a woman his own age or is attracted to young girls.
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A
male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 I dont really want to either encourage you nor inhibit your ambitions so will do my best to keep this vague. Im afraid I dont think I possess enough knowledge or experience to answer your question but just wanted to add this snippit.
When I was 15 I had it all figured out. I knew exactly who I was, where I was going and when it would happen. Im a mere 3 years older today and I can tell you my views, opinions, hobbies and interests, personality and friends have all changed. We are all constantly changing and what you may want now may not be what you want in a few years time. We are always changing. When I talk to 15 year olds today I can see they are very different to myself and I find it hard to get a decent conversation out of any of them, different social levels I guess.
Sorry I cant be more help than that but I really did just want to add that!
Best of luck! :)
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 August 2008):
Sweetie, there are lots and lots of older men out there who will happily have sex with you whether you are legal or not.
It's finding someone who actually likes you for you that will be the difficult thing, as most will want you to wear pig tails and a school uniform during the event.
You are in a position that is going to be really open to exploitation and even if it's not, is going to look that way anyway.
I don't know what to suggest really. I have a feeling you are not going to get your wish for someone in their late 20's. But I am sure you an find a boy in college who'll be a bit older and know what he's doing, it's not that difficult really.
Once you hit your 20's then you can find your older guy and it really won't be a problem. It's a stupid thing that if a girl is 19 then she's being exploited, but if she's 23 then she is perfectly entitled to like men in their 30's and even 40's. Nothing much changes in that 4 years, but you are expected to have learned enough suddenly to be able to cope with an age gap.
Good Luck!! xx
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