A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship for about six months, and my boyfriend and I are very attracted to each other. He's made it clear from early in the relationship that he'd like to have sex, or at least be more intimate. I'm nowhere near ready, and have spoken to him about this, but he continues to ask me to stay over and occasionally makes sexual comments. It makes me think he's not taking me seriously, and thinks I could be easily persuaded in spite of what I say. Seriously, what else would a man want by asking a woman to stay the night? It confuses me, because in all other ways he shows me a great deal of respect.While I feel the topic of sex shouldn't be completely off limits, I'm afraid he'll think any mention of it I make or any sign of affection I show is a green light, when it's not. I feel as though he's not listening or taking me seriously, even though he says he is and does.It feels like he's trying to rush the relationship, too. He's said he's not used to a slower pace, and will sometimes drop hints that he thinks we're moving too slow or is unsatisfied with where we are. It's difficult for me to deal with, considering I don't trust people easily and don't grow close to people very quickly. While I've come out of my shell a bit in the last couple of months, he still seems unsatisfied with how the relationship is progressing. I'd like to mention we became exclusive only a few days ago. I think he's more focused on where we could be, rather than enjoying where things are right now. I'm also a virgin, but have yet to tell him. I'm not sure if telling him would make him understand why I've been so apprehensive about sex, especially considering he's been in at least three relationships before we started dating, all of which moved very fast. I want our relationship to last, and feel as though rushing would mean we have nothing left to look forward to.How should I handle this in a way that will get through to him, without seeming disinterested or standoffish? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, arty +, writes (10 October 2009):
I think if a man really respects you and loves you he will respect your way think and feel about sex. me and my wife both were virgins when we got married and it was the most AWESOME feeling.
A
male
reader, rockshredder +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Well the best I can understand from you is that you want to give him yourself but you are not giving him right now because of the following 2 reasons:1. You are afraid of sex.2. His past haunts you as the relation will be over soon as the your pants put off and nothing will be left.His repeated insists and eagerness also terrifies you that he is looking for SEX only. Well simple solution is that tell him to wait because you feel that after sex, he will leave you. If he loves you, you will see it in his eyes in one form or the other like he will try to persuade you lovingly, kiss you, hug you and wont try to cross the line during that sanctious moment. Otherwise, if he is after your vegina, 1st on your resistance, he will get mad at you, you 2 will have a fight and afterwards he will start ignoring you. Hope I helped you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): P.S. - In the second paragraph of what I wrote "their" should be "they're" - I'm tired haha, grammarical errors are acceptable, right?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Okay, for the record, I want to kill whoever put the shortcut for "New Tab" in Internet Explorer next to the shortcut for "Reload". I had a huge section I wrote and now it's gone because I accidently reloaded the page. Fail.
Anyway, I'm going to give a shortened version because I don't feel like writing it all again, but if you'd like more input on this feel free to message me. First of all, I think that you should tell him that you're a virgin. I see a lot of questions on here from people wondering if it's "ok" their a virgin or if they should tell their partner, and in my opinion, if your partner cares THAT much about if you are a virgin or not then maybe that's a problem in and of itself. I think that in this case in particular it may actually help things. It will let him know that it's not JUST him that you're not doing stuff with. He may think that you've done stuff with past boyfriends and may be confused as to why you don't want to with him.
Secondly, I think you need to sit down and talk to him about this. It sounds like you've alrealdy done that, which is a good thing, but it does sound like he's not quite getting it either, which is a bad thing. Sit him down and tell him how you feel, tell him what you told us (you can even show him what you told us, you made things pretty clear here), and make sure to get his input and thoughts on the situation. Try to find out why he feels sex needs to be a part of things already, and if you can you should tell him why you're so aprehensive about it. Is there a reason you don't trust people easily? If it's something that's too personal to tell him, just let him know that and he should respect that but he'd at least still know there's a reason rather than none. If you can tell him what it is, I think that would help.
Thirdly, I think a man can want a woman to stay the night JUST to stay the night. I realize that it's the classic line for "come have sex with me", but he knows your wishes and even if he's not entirely happy with them, he may still respect them and just want you to come sleep over to spend time with you. You've said he shows respect for you in other areas, so maybe this is one he's at least trying in. There is the possibility that, like you said, he thinks you can be persuaded out of your standpoint, and this may be one of those things he tries. You know him better than us, so it's up to you to decide. If you don't feel comfortable staying the night with him, then don't do it.
Normally, when a guy is like this I'm all for the "Just leave him, he's using you" viewpoint of things, but it sounds to me like you two have just gotten used to different types of realtionships, at different paces. He's used to things going faster and you're used to (or want to be used to) taking things a bit slower with someone. It doesn't make either of you wrong, it just means that there's some adapting and understanding that needs to go on, that's why communication is key. However, that doesn't mean I agree with what he's been saying and doing, at all. He may be used to things going faster but that doesn't mean he gets to make you feel bad about your decision or pressure you the way he has. I consider that immature and passive-aggressive on some level and I think it does show that he's not REALLY listening. No matter what he's used to he needs to respect your decision and realize that if he really wants a relationship with you, then there's going ot have to be some things he needs to change from what he's used to for it to work. It sounds like you've been understanding of his viewpoint, and he should appreciate that.
So, sit him down and have a talk. Tell him that you want to be more affectionate but that you're not sure if he will be willing to stop at the limits you want without resenting you for it so at this point it's more of an "all or nothing" type thing until you can be sure he's okay with some, not all. Okay, I'm done, and believe it or not, yes this was shorter than what I originally had - so be happy haha. I wish you the best with everything you're going through.
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