A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In summary if you don’t want to read the huge paragraph below:Should I tell my boyfriend about past experience (though minimal) and the somewhat hurtful ex? Should I feel self-conscious about him not getting a full-on boner during our second intense make out session? What should I think about his not being a virgin while I am? What sort of things should/could I be comfortable with? How should I make/let this happen? And under what circumstances? We’ve known each other for about a month and a half. We’ve been officially dating for about 2 weeks. About a week into our relationship we make out for third time, but that time I let him touch/lick/suck on my breasts. I rubbed him through is jeans and he did the same to me.[I tend to be a thinker, and analyzer. I’ve only truly dated 2 guys besides me current boyfriend. For me already this relationship has been completely uncharacteristic of me. My last boyfriend I started dating in high school and dated for about a year and a half and all he got to do was touch my ass under my pants and feel my boobs through my bra.I didn’t love him or anyone else before him which is why I don’t think I had ever allowed anything else. So for my lack of promiscuity I was labeled as a prude. Although said ex-boyfriend verbally claimed my virginity to my entire high school and who knows who else (which I didn’t find out until the end of my first year of college and about 6 months after we broke up)] My first question: should I tell my current BF about this?Today I visited him after about a week of not seeing each other (due to his vacation) and we do the same thing. What I noticed… and maybe he’d just been trying more to hide it, was that the first time this happened I could see and feel through his jeans that he was hard as a rock and sticking straight out. But this time He only seemed to be getting there. Should I feel self-conscious about this?On my way home he texts and says he’s never felt this way before. Then he asks if everything was ok that we did. And I assure him it was and ask if he agrees which he does. But he said he worries about going too fast. (This is because after the first time we did these things I asked him if he thought we were. And Basically sorry for leading him on and maybe making him think I was easy because that was farther than even my last boyfriend had gotten. This is when he chose to tell me more about his 3 year old relationship that had ended the summer previous. He said he had wanted to wait to have sex after marriage, and even refused her asking for it a year into their relationship, only to give in a year later. He said he was really pissed off about it because he’d thought she was the one he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with and he could never get that back. And he tells me he doesn’t plan to have sex before marriage again. Though I’m not sure if he understood I was telling him I’m still a virgin I told him that was still a possible goal of mine and I’m glad we were on the same page. He responds I won’t have to worry about that from him) Then he texts right after that saying we talked about what he’s comfortable in a relationship intimacy wise, but not what I am. Not that he wants more or anything, just so he knows for the future he hopes to have with me. I say I can’t answer than because it’s unknown territory and that I’m not practiced or anything, quite pure. He responds “That’s not a bad thing baby :-) nothing to be embarrassed about.” Should I tell him I’ve at least just touched an erect penis? I mean I’m relatively as pure as they come. But I’d touched my ex’s, just through his jeans. Is it immature to say so, almost like trying to make the playing field alittle more even? This guy is a complete gentleman and even though it’s only been a month he asks me all the time what I think about the long term. How far it’ll go and that he sees and wants a future with me. To be honest I do feel that we love each other and he's marraige material. We haven’t exchanged the L word yet though he has called me “my love” a few times. I just am a little confused on how to feel about him not being a virgin while I am. I know the 85% of me doesn’t care because of how much I like him. But that little bit of me nags sometimes. And as for this most recent conversation I’m thinking he means… like fingering? Hand jobs? Oral sex? I don’t know how to do these thingsss. None do I have any experience with but would be more apt. to do after exchanging the L word. Is that normal? Also I find myself thinking that I would be more comfortable doing these things to him than having him do them to me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): Im in your age group and was in your same situation just two months ago! I told him I was a virgin which was so hard as I never told anyone (apart from family) before. But if he knows then it makes things a lot easier. He be more understanding. I have had sex now but some sexual problems have come up as he is not a leader and I need him to be as Im new to it, maybe your guy be diffrent.
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (17 May 2010):
 Don't mention your history unless he asks. Guys hate hearing about their girl's exes. Take things slowly and when you are ready. I'm sure he'll ask you when things get heated if you are a virgin (unless, of course, it doesn't matter to him whether you are or not.)
But don't be worried. When you get to sex tell him then that you are a virgin so that he knows to be slow and careful. And if you're not amazing at it, at least you have a good reason!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Every relationship should be about sharing concerns or worries to each other, I suggest you tell him your worries.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Let me share my view in 2 simple points. You have high standards and I admire that.
1. Do you really love this guy? Is he top quality? If yes, read on; if no, don't have sex. Ask if he will leave if you are not ready for sex. If he leaves, he is not top quality.
2. Do you want to have sex? Do it only if you want. Not because the other guy wants.
Take care!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Your issue is you are putting sex on this magical pedestal. Its just sex.
If you two love each other, then sex is the most primal, and most natural way of expressing it.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): I think you're over-thinking the specifics of the sex, and under-thinking the relationship itself.
You are thinking a lot about what he is saying but it's all words. Only knowing someone 5 or 6 weeks is a short time in the big picture no matter how much you talk and how much you seem to have in common.
It's not that I think he is lying. It all smells pretty legit from what you say so far.
But it sounds like this is the first time you have been with someone that you are both strongly attracted to and also physically comfortable with at the same time. I think you might be taking this new combination for a bit more than it's worth. It's nice but it's not really such an unusual thing for most people. And you could still be totally finished with this guy two weeks from now for one reason or another.
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