A
male
age
36-40,
*imM
writes: Hi I'm a 27 year old male and I'm still a virgin.The thing that bothers me the most isn't the lack of sex but the fact I still haven't felt what is like to love and be loved.To have a person that really cares about me and me feeling the same for her. I had my first crush with a girl when I was 17.At first she showed that she really cared about me but in the end it was proved that this was a lie.We were together for two weeks and by the end of the second week she asked me to break up with her because she felt absolutely nothing about me.A few days later I found out that I was just the bait so she could lure her ex.She used me to make him jealous and run back to her,which it worked smoothly for her.I'm sure some of you are thinking "it was just two weeks dude get over it".Yeah and I was 17,naive,impulsive and had NO experience with other girls.I believed that she was special and that I could give so much to her.In the end I took the shattered pieces of my heart and walked away. After that incident I felt even more uncomfortable around girls.A second rejection,almost a year after,was enough to bring me down.I moved to another town,found me a good job there and even though my career is pretty good ,I have a car and a good salary,I still haven't been able to find that someone "special".As a person I'm good looking,as far as I'm told,tall(1.94cm) ,I workout at the gym regularly and I prefer reading books in my free time instead of watching TV.My problem is that I'm too sensitive and after a failure ,personal or professional,it's very difficult for me to get back at my feet.Unfortunately that fear of failing is what makes me hesitant to go and talk to a girl no matter how much I like her. This situation is getting worse lately.I have to lie to my family,my friends and my co-workers about my sex life so I won't hurt them or become stigmatized.You see I live in a small community and for a man to be a virgin after his 20s is reprehensible,at best they'll think I'm a homosexual at worst that I'm a pervert.I get anxious when in places with too many people so I get more isolated with each passing day.Even though I'm a calm person,lately,I'm getting more aggressive.Especially towards people I know they mistreat their wives/girlfriends or lie to them or treat the like objects. I'm starting to feel that I'm walking to a dead end and I don't have the slightest idea of what to do.I can't ask for help from anyone close to me cause most of them think that I'm having a healthy sexual life.I know some of you will advice me to go to a prostitute or hire an escort girl but like I said I don't want someone to f#%k,I want someone to fall in love with.Besides,I've been to a strip club once and it wasn't such a great experience.Anyway all advices are welcome and will be appreciated.Thanks for reading this long post and I apologize for any mistypes. P.S. As one of my favorite songs say "Hold on to your dreams,It makes you feel more alive".But I'm afraid that with each passing day is getting harder to hold on to anything,especially my dreams.
View related questions:
co-worker, crush, escort, her ex, jealous, prostitute, sex life, still a virgin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, luckycloud  +, writes (20 July 2011):
hey dont be soooo hopeless like that.
until that boy came, he helped me to fix my "trusting" problem, but when he's almost done, he left me ... so it's like I'm totally lost again, and I always wonder if he will ever come back, I would ask him: "can I really trust u again?"
so I totally understand how hard it is to fix that. but it takes effort and time. if u really want it, put effort on it.
and ... trust me, every girl wants a romantic man. and to us, it seems like all of romantic men were already died so it's hopeless and we girls have to put down our standards, or at least we have to accept the truth that there's no romantic man alive. so ... be confident! there's no way that romantic could be bad character of you.
A
male
reader, JimM +, writes (18 July 2011):
JimM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all I wanna thank you for your replies.They've been very helpful and given me hope that there might be a better tomorrow for me.
Secondly,I'd like to answer some of your questions.I do have a problem with trusting people and I'm trying to fix that,but it's not that easy.Although I grew up in a Christian Orthodox family I wouldn't describe myself as the religious type.But one doesn't have to be the religious type in order to have morals or a code of honor.As for the online dating,I've tried a few times but it didn't work out for me.People there tend to lie or give to little information about themselves so when you meet someone in person,most of the times,they are not what you expected.
There are times when I actually believe that I was born in the wrong era!I guess I'm hopelessly romantic,and probably that will be the end of me :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): Prior to reading your post, I thought people like you existed only in operas, or in old novels from an age long gone by... The raw emotion emanating from your post is like a breath of fresh air in this world devoid of feelings. First, I'd like to express my admiration - you know what you want, and you won't settle for less. Props to you!Well, I'm in the same boat as you are... so I have no clever advice. But I think it's right to hold onto my desires of finding someone special. Not only it makes you feel more alive, but it will eventually attract a like-minded person. You know, likes attract likes :)Yeah, many people say getting out of isolation is the first step, but it's hard, I know. To me, going out all by myself is an art that has to be mastered. So it's always good to go somewhere where you feel comfortable. Since you like reading, going often to the library and reading there sounds like a great pastime. You can bump into an interesting girl there, who has the same common interest ;)Other than that, I have no ideas... I can second the idea of the poster below, who said to look for girls in religious circles. That's also a good choice.Let's be sincere, you are every decent girl's dream man. You are bound to get your dream girl; I don't know how women are not throwing themselves at you. (Heck, if I knew any more Greek than "Good morning" and "Good evening", I'd move to your town permanently!) Good luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (16 July 2011):
You're just going to have to put yourself out there, that's really what it boils down too. You are sensitive but it seems like your lack of relationships is the root of your anxiety/depression so continuing to stay isolated and work on that is not a good idea. You're just going to have to go for it before it gets worse and you're truly locked in a vicious cycle. Rejection is a part of life and happens to everybody, it may well happen to you again but you're going to have to find ways to deal with it - keep yourself busy, think positively. There are selfish unpleasant people out there but there are also good ones and you're never going to find them unless you try. It may sound simplistic but there's no magic cure that means you'll be able to deal with rejection easily. Most people get rejected and it hurts but they put themselves back out there and toughen up to it. If it's really hard for you maybe try reading self help books or online pages about it.Why don't you try going to some classes or groups? Quite a few people go there to make friends and maybe that will lead onto something more.You could also try online dating, not ideal but all the people on there will be looking for relationships and it's something you can do fairly discreetly if you don't want friends/family to know. No need to feel pressured by them either, if they ask just tell them you're now single/too busy or carry on letting them believe what they want.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): I think you have made an excellent decision by waiting to have sex. You have saved yourself a lot of heartache, emotional baggage, and trouble. I am sorry that girl was mean to you and broke your heart...but I would like to say there are many women out there who would greatly value a husband who has saved himself for them. Now you just need to find one of those women.The fact is, you have made a choice to wait for real love, which not many people do. Therefore, you must change the places you are looking for your women to places where there are women like you.In this case, I suggest looking in religious groups. Perhaps you are not religious yourself, perhaps you are. But from what you have described, your morals and values in terms of family/love/sex are very similar to those of religious minded people. I also think dating a religious girl would suit your personality--you sound conservative, and you like traditional ideas. Obviously, all religions are different, but these are themes that do crop up in them a lot.As for your family/friends--is this small village a place you intend to stay? It sounds to me like you need to get out of there and broaden your horizons. Is it all possible in the future to perhaps get a job elsewhere? If you are serious about finding a wife, as it sounds you are, your village is clearly too small with not very much choice. Dont feel ashamed at not having a "sex life." Everything has a time and place. You have a job, and a good life. You will find a woman, just be patient.
...............................
A
female
reader, luckycloud +, writes (16 July 2011):
I think you have serious problem with trusting ppl. cause u still remember the bad experience 10 years ago.If u want to fall in love with someone, open your heart. Dont let the fear of rejection get in your way.Like u said u does feel for girls, u just had the fear holding u back. So, u should, try, a little more and more each day, to open your heart, throw the fear away. Until the day it's not around anymore, u'll see :) I mean it takes time, so no need to rush it. u just need to try a little bit each day.Or maybe ... I was like u b4, although Im really young. I was scared of boys in general, but there was one person who came and told me: "maybe it just takes one boy who cares enough about the negative girl to change that." Yeah what I mean is the right girl. :) believe me, most of the girls care abt u a lot when they like u. so, dont lose your trust on good girls.
...............................
|
