A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i am a virgin.., and my girlfriend wants to have sex..., and so do i, i love her a lot.., and i don't have a problem with it...but every time that i am about to put it in... i just loose my erection.. its there another time i need it but, idk i just cant....idk if its nerves..or if i am eating poorly...but i really don't know what to do..!please help me!!!is there anything that you think i can do... -starsky
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Yes, very likely performance anxiety (assuming you get erections at other times). Tell your GF that you're just going to get naked with her, and enjoy each other's bodies without intercourse, but do everything else. Do this a couple of times. Then one of the times, after plenty of foreplay, just rub your penis up and down on her privates (use condom and/or other protection), and slip in the head... work your way up to thrusting... then it will be natural. Everything will fall into place after a few attempts, don't worry. Trust me, it will. And enjoy.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (7 April 2009):
It's probably not much comfort to you, but I think something like 5% of all guys have a similar problem the first time they have sex. The worst part is, it's out there in plain sight for the whole world to see! (OK, maybe not the whole world - but certainly the girl you're with is very aware of it!) It's just not fair - A girl who doesn't get turned-on can just lay there, grit her teeth, and endure the discomfort and her partner may never know the difference, but a guy doesn't have that option.
Like others said, the symptoms between your legs are probably starting between your ears. You might be with the wrong person, or at the wrong time, or for the wrong reason - and your body is trying to tell you this.
Is your partner truly supportive of your efforts, or encouraging you out of a sense of obligation, or passively accepting the problem, or actively berating you? If the answer is anything but the first option you should probably talk with her about why you two are trying to have sex, and what it means to you.
Are you and your partner acquainted with each other's body, and orgasmic response? Is she experienced or virginal? In either case, but ESPECIALLY if she's also a virgin, the best course of action is probably to deliberately back off from the penetrative sex for a while. Practice pleasuring each other, and especially bringing each other to orgasm, with hands and mouths and other non-coital means. After you are comfortable with being naked in each other's presence, and helping each other to climax, you may find the step to full penetrative intercourse is much easier to take.
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (7 April 2009):
 Its most likely performance anxiety. The same thing happened to me when I lost my virginity. Once you stop worrying about it, you'll get the erection. Its just nerves. Trust me. If you couldn't get one at all, then it could be medical, but the fact that this only happens when you are about to have sex means its just in your head. The best advice I can give is to focus on making out with your girlfriend and not think about getting it up. As soon as you do, you'll find yourself ready to go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): You didn't make it clear -- do you get erections at other times? Morning wood, that sort of thing? Can you sustain an erection while masturbating? If so, then there's nothing physically wrong.
I can identify with your problem. That happened to me in a relationship I got into when I was 18. Every girl I'd been with before that, I had to work forever to take each new step -- second base took a couple of months, third base two or three more months. Then I took this shy virgin out on a first date, we parked after the movie, and whoa it was like someone threw a switch. She was naked and panting and telling me she was in love and asking me to make love to her. And I couldn't -- no way, no how. And that lasted for several weeks.
I eventually figured out that whatever it is that controls erections is hooked into something in your subconscious. In the case I described, it was because she thought she was in love, and I knew I wasn't, and my conscience wouldn't let sex happen under those circumstances. From everything I've read, if a young and otherwise healthy guy can't get it up or keep it up, it's psychological. So maybe it's your conscience saying that you're moving too fast. Or maybe you've got performance anxiety. Just relax. If it's meant to happen, it will.
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