A
female
age
26-29,
*laire1640
writes:This is probably going to be a long question, so i'll just get straight to the point.. i can't stop thinking about this married man. I'm 16 and he's in the his mid 30's, he lives near me so my parents are quite close with him and his wife. Although, my mum and my dad have both told me that they do not...particularly favour him i guess. They have a child together, a daughter that's around 4 i think. I'd never really spoken to him until recently when i added him on facebook, we talk quite often now on facebook about various things like his family, i talk to him about help with getting a job ect, however, it's like when we both see each other neither one of us says ANYTHING to each other...this is the weird part though..he will ONLY talk to me over facebook on a night when his wife isnt in, he constantly will come to his window and look at me and wave, there was actually one time when i was stood at my bedroom window and he walked towards the window glanced at me, then looked down at his stomach.. lifted his shirt up and started messing with something on his stomach and, put his shirt back down and then looked up at me again.. oh, and he knows that i like him to some extent due to my mum saying something to him. So i guess what i'm asking is.. how do i get over him!? even though i'm not exactly close to him i don't think i've ever liked anyone this much before, please don't say 'find someone your own age' because trust me, everyone i know my age are complete idiots :/ i understand that nothing can happen between me and this man, don't mistake me for someone who wants to spend my life with him, get married ect, it's not like that at all.. i guess it's just more of what it would like to have an 'affair' with him. I constantly think about how lucky is wife is to have someone like him and how much i would love to have someone like him in the future. he seems EXTREMELY close with his daughter and you can tell that he loves her more than anything but even though he has his wife as a facebook friend, he post's status' all the time saying things like 'life sucks sometimes' and 'life is shit' ..i just don't know how to stop liking him and focus on my school work and friends because of right now.. he's all i EVER think about, i'm in the middle of my GCSE's and my grades have droppped probably because at home i'm more focussed on him then i am on my school work :/ my education is something that's extremely important to me as i'm going onto studying A levels and then hopefully medicine at university and i don't want something so stupid like this to put me off.. but at the moment, it really is. Like i said before, i know and i'm smart enough to know that nothing can ever happen between us, i just wanna stop thinking about him so much :(sorry it's SOOO long.. what do you guys think? xx
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female
reader, Butterball  +, writes (9 May 2016):
I dont have an answer for you. Am practically in the same boat. I am sixteen and met a man on a boat in Florida. He strikes up a conversation quickly expressing his attraction, then I told him my age. He is 35, married, with two kids. He lives in Texas. He proceeded to get drunk because," it confused the hell out of him" that he could like me so much but not have me. He wasn't shy about showing me his family. He is in the marines, in Florida at a base for a while. We talked the entire four hour boat ride and got off the boat together aimlessly walking the streets and continuing our conversations about life. We had so much in common. That night we said our goodbyes, expecting to never see or talk again. Four months later I found him on Facebook. He grew up less than 30 minutes from my house. I friended him. I was so excited. I had so many feelings. I knew he liked me and I liked him but I wasn't expecting anything out of this. Just to talk. Two months later he accepted my request. We started messaging that night, the next day I skipped school and we spoke for nine straight hours. He told me that his wife's sex drive wasn't very high and as long as she doesn't find out has given him permission to have someone on the side. We have such a strong connection. I love a man 19 years older than me. Who is married with kids. He is retiring from the marines next year and moving back to where I live. We will be going to the same college after I graduate high school. I have so many emotions....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): You need to be strong and let go of this man. It will not be easy and will take time but if you are determined you will be fine eventually. Staying will only prolong and bring more hurt and delay your healing.I have to say that this man is mean for messing with one so young but in truth men are even predatory to much older women(it is not always true that women go after taken men, a lot of men are predatory and even a 'NO' would send them into conquest mode)....You are young and have your whole future in front of you dont let him try to ruin it .... I don't understand how you can think how lucky his wife is to have him....How lucky is she to have a cheating husband? I bet if she finds out about his cheating she will not be feeling so lucky...granted he may have some good qualities but he is ultimately hurting the one he promised to love anf honour....First of all..try and think of what you would like to do in the future and work hard towards it... Prepare for your exams like your life depended on it...Hang out more with friends your own age and minimise contact with this guy...Tell him you cannot see him any longer as he is married and this situation is stressfull for you...If he asks to be friends...Tell him you need a break from him to move on with your life....preferably months (you are quite young, so the longer time away from him, the better)...You are lovely and gorgeous and young enjoy it ....You dont need this pain..Are you close to anyone older than you that you trust? Confide in them or if you go to church find someone(preferably female) as ask for help....Don't do this on your own if you can help it....Aother thing I notice you keep thinking about how he feels...he is not your problem ..if life sucks then it sucks....he is adult enough to handle it , dont try to save him otherwise your life would suck too with his problems.....If you are able to get away after you exams to visit family ie grandparents etc...do it..just go away and dissappear for a while...do charity work and if you can get some counselling from a professional or a good church...You can get past this...Take care
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A
female
reader, soft2020 +, writes (20 January 2011):
 A female reader, soft2020 writes ( 20 January 2011 )
Hi Claire1640, I have to say I must gather my pillow and some Kleenex tissues and wipe my eyes and blow my nose as
tears run down my face. I may run out of tissue before I run out of tears I must quickly get down on my knees, talk
to God and keep praying for the rest of the day as my heart
gets heavy from the pain that runs through it after reading
about your story in the column. I must truly say it is very sad that you are so young and do not really understand
certain things in life in this cold spine chilling world.
Your story breaks my heart in two I have been through a similar situation as you when I was 10 years old , but a little different from yours. What I am about to tell you it
maybe a little hard for you to understand because you are
very young and considered to be a minor and your 30 year old friend is an adult and is 15 years older than you.
You may feel hurt about what I am going to tell you in this column, your 30 year old friend is very emotionally
empty on the inside he must fuel up on your youth to feel
in control to keep from feeling out of control on the out-
side. He feels that babies and children are out of control
so its his job to seek out someone or something that can
easily be controled without putting up a fight. Example
a cobra snake is quietly creeping through the grass
sneaking up on its prey from behind his prey does not know
that he is behind him or her then suddenly the cobra sanake
quickly grabs his prey with no warning then kills and eat
it up. Another example, there is a customer standing in the
checkout line waiting with a cart full of food to pay for it, they then have to reach into their purse to get someting out of it they, leave it open with a wallet full of money exposed that others can see. Then all of a suddenly someone walks up close to the purse reaches inside takes the wallet full of money out without the customer knowing that this has happened to her. She then gets to the cash register to pay for her order her
wallet has been stolen out of her purse and now she
is in shock to discover that someone robbed her of her wallet and now she has no money to pay for her food.
Read about the clssic children's fable story of "Robin
Hood", he robbed the rich and gave to the poor.
Your 30 year old friend has robbed you of your youth he can get into serious trouble because what he is doing is a "Crime"! and against the law. He can be sent to prison for the rest of his life without bail.He is not your friend and "He does not love you" you are young and do not know what you are doing!. "He is lieing to you" and to him-
self and he is a psycho! sicko! I have been there just like you he has a lot of "emotional issues" that he needs
to face and stop touching you before he gets into serious
trouble. Get a good book and read all about people that
are "Psychopaths", your 30 year old friend is one of them
"trust me". Does your parents and his wife knows about what
he is doing to you, your parents can also be sent to
prison for the rest of their lives and we do not want to
see this happen to them it may hurt you and break your
heart losing your parents because of this. If he was truly
your friend he would not be "Molesting" you. I think you
need to sit down with your parents and discuss what is
going on before someone get seriously hurt and you end up with a "Broken Heart".
Take care of yourself and stay beautiful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): There is absolutely no point in pursing this passion/crush. You are 16 and he would just use you for sex and dump you. He obviously knows you find him attractive, hence the window incident. But I find that very creepy - so should you. This is just a ticket to misery. DON'T GO THERE. Don't mess up your head when you have a chance to do well with your education and have a good life. And meet guys who you will find attraction, trust me, at college/Uni. Do not have contact with him on Facebook. Do not engage in these flirty window type incidences. Have some self worth. Be a 16yr old, study, have fun with your friends - forget this man.
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A
male
reader, avlon  +, writes (20 January 2011):
kk so what u need to do is start dating or indulge ur self in other activities .this is one of the way of getting ur mind of him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Honey, I completely understand where you are coming from. I am about your age, I'm 18, and I was infatuated with a married man to the point where it was very unhealthy. Like you, I could not focus at school and craved the moments when I could be around him. I did some...interesting things to get his attention. Anyway, I hope to some extent that makes you feel like you are less alone in this difficult situation.
Okay next: You can't take this any further. While you are 16, which is legal in the UK I presume, he is married and has a child. Do you really want to get tangled up in all of that? You are 16, just starting to get to the amazing, fun time that life can be. Getting involved with this man will only cause heartache! Do you really want to be the piece on the side? He throws you a scrap once in a while? I think it would be okay with you for a little bit, but soon you would want more of him.
As for his creepy window move, I am guessing that he knows of your crush, and could be playing with your mind a bit. I really don't know. It seemed very strange though!
How to get over him? Well first you have to WANT to get over him. When you decide to give up this obsession, I believe that is when you can truly move on. Try to distract yourself. Work out, read, write, play an instrument, hang with friends, go shopping, do homework...I don't know. Just do something to get your mind off of him.
I agree with you one hundred percent that guys our age are idiots. But still, even when they are 20, 30 etc. they are still idiots ;) I am not going to suggest hanging with guys your own age, because I know you won't want to. How about starting by hanging with guys that aren't married/in a relationship? Even if they are older than you to an extent :)
My final remarks: You need to focus on school. Your education is your lifeline into higher education and eventually a career. You said you want to be involved in medicine. That career path requires extreme discipline. You have to be studying and constantly focused on making it through. I have a good friend in the medical career path, and she is one of the smartest women I know, and she is very dedicated to her schooling. Focus on studying, dive right in to all that the world of knowledge has to offer you. Work hard for that job and focus on yourself. And in the wise words of Lady Gaga, "Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."
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