A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone have any ideas for a very stressed out mother with a very very hyper 4 year old child(who happens to also have a Disability Spina Bifida w/ a shunt)She also has very strong anger issues. My husband and I took her to a Phsycologist and they did testing and I have to take her back next month for the results,but in the meantime she is really misbehaving,she has horrible tantrums,she physically hits her brother of 18 months all the time she tries to choke him,I cannot take her into public because she throws stuff at peolpe and screams that she hates everyone.(yes its that bad)but then at other times she can be so loving.Very Hyper also wont stay sitting down for more than about 5 mins.Gets into everything and half of the time she gets it to destroy it,and I have tried alot of ways of discipline,when she acts up from all the above,I take away her privelages but nothing seems to work. We never in no way taught her to be like this.(Dr, told me some meds will help but i wont have them till God knows when.) Please Help!!!! Im going crazy!!!!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): give the kid communication, be smart at times and other times be with her level
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so Much for your advice I really appreciate it God Bless.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (22 March 2008):
 One other thing. I just read rcn's comments. She's trying to diagnose your child over the Internet with dime store psychology. Give me a break. And don't do anything you read over an Internet site when it pertains to taking medications, whether they be prescription drugs, over the counter, or holistic medicines. I've never heard of giving St. John's Wort to a child . . . especially a four year old with spina bifida. Wait until your doctor prescribes something (if needed). I'd suggest counseling for you and the rest of your family in the mean time. Like I said before, you need to learn how to be a parent. They don't teach it in schools and everyone assumes that it is something that just comes naturally. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. Your child is controlling you and you need to learn to how to change that.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 labells serve a diagnostic purpose but can cloud the issue. blaming a disorder neatly ignores the fact that people with problems can help their behaviour but you need to be highly consistent with boundaries and have patience.
she is behaving in an antisocial manner like most toddlers in the terrible two's. i doubt you put her in her place at the time due to feeling sorry for her disability and she's repaying you now with this crap.
four year olds cannot reason very well at all and will have problems understanding "removal of priveleges" and other abstract concepts. they are only beggining to understand that other people think different thoughts to them at this stage. they do however repond very well to classical conditioning, that is they learn to behave a certain way in response to something they see or hear and quickly learn that that thier respone gets them what they want, or that when they behave a certain way that you respond every time in a predictable manner (i.e. punishment).
this is why inconsistent parenting is so unhelpfull and when you put your foot down it must happen very quickly in response to the bad behaviour and stay firm in light of any winging or crying etc. otherwise they dont get why they are being punished
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A
female
reader, angy +, writes (21 March 2008):
I feel for you, its very difficult to know where to turn or what to do, all i can say is sit tight and wait until your dr. comes back with results. There are drugs which can help anger and will take a while to get dosages and the right type of drugs that suit her sorted.As an outsider just reading what you have written, your daughter sounds like she is very frustrated and has difficulty understanding her emotions and perhaps even situations. She's going to take all your energy and love to make her feel secure. I'm no expert, but am a mum of 3 and work with children, currently in a special school. At this age over the top constant happy praises can make a difference. Be very positive and loving with her, your patience and calmness is very important, even when you want to scream yourself!
Have you tried reward systems, small and very frequent for every tiny positive thing she does? These can build up to something big or a daily treat of some kind.Try to ignore the small naughty things and don't take away any reward she has earned when she behaves badly. When naughty tell her you are very sad, she has made you sad with her behaviour. When she behaves well tell her you are really happy with her and be over the top if necessary.
Try talking about and telling her social stories, these are made up stories which have proved to be very good at getting a child to think about a behaviour they do, I've known it to work very well. They could be written down and she could collect them in a book for herself to keep, if that's what she would like.
I might be right off the mark here but i think she needs firmness but loads of love, understanding and telling her how much she is loved by everyone (mummy, daddy, brother etc.) can all help to defuse a situation.
Hope abit of this helps in some way
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (21 March 2008):
Regardless of the psycho-babble you may be getting, you're letting a 4 year old control your life. You need to learn some parenting skills. I have a feeling you've coddled her because of her disability and now she knows how to push your buttons.
If she's always trying to hurt her brother, why are you subjecting him to her abuse?
You need to find a GOOD doctor and get this situation under control before she gets totally out of control. . . and gets big enough to start choking you.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 March 2008):
 Sounds like a possability of two interchanging problems. (1) ADHD predeominately attentive (hyper) (2) Defiance disorder, and possiably (3) antisocial behavioral disorder.
Until medication, st. Johns Whart, Fish oil tablets, and a good multi vitamin, should help.
Her hitting her brother and acting up is (think before you speak or act) difficulties. People with adhd act up on impulse. Reactive behaviors, and not thought out. Defiance disorder does as well, and like adhd have difficulty with authority. (3) antisocial is a disorder where they will cause harm with no remorse and blame everyone else but themselves for their actions.
The difficult struggle will be separating the disorder issues from normal behavior. You don't want to punish a child for something they can't help, or aren't aware of it happening. You'll be able to tell which is reactive and which is her acting up because of just poor behavior.
Is she jealous of having an 18 month old? Could this be why she's having such agressive behavior in that direction? With mental disabilities she may not know how to explain her feelings properly so she using physical actions to inform you of her feelings.
I hope this helps you
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