A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been tossing with this for a while and I really just want some other people's perspective.So the best way I can describe how they feel is; I feel sexually like a woman. I know its not a perfect description but I'll try to elaborateBasically I'm 21 straight but when I have talked about sex and sexuality with friends and potential partners I always seem to get the same sort of response, that the way I describe and feel about sex is very feminine. I have not had a lot of sex in my life and to be honest I enjoy cuddling and being close to a partner far more than actual sex. I like to be hugged and held and pretty much can't make the first move on partners. I have a real strong belief in concet so I really don't like to touch people or kiss them or even get too much into their space without permission. This has lead to the few women I have tried to date since starting collage basically telling me I don't act like a guy. I don't know what that means really. I don't like being really agrresive in the bedroom jumping on top and going crazy on someone its just not me. But I don't know if it's going to affect my relationships.I like planning nice dates and cuddling and talking and all that stuff. But no one seems to be into that I'm supposed to be big strong drink beer and basically almost sexually assault people I want to be with. I really don't like it and I don't want to change who I am. I just don't know what to do really. I feel like I'm going to be alone for a long time. Its not helping my depression. Im a pretty sensitive fragile guy. But I care a lot and always want a parter to be loved and feel like I care for them. I really do just try to be me and mature but for many years now relationships I have been in I have not been treated well. Cheated on lied to abused. I just really don't know what to do right now.Thanks for reading
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't worry about patronising me you really could't. I know i don't know anything and everything in my life is going to change every few years for a while.
I actually went on a date today with a girl that is 23, i don't know how it went really but i just will keep trying.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): I am a university lecturer with a strong interest in gender issues.I feel really sad that you are negatively affected by this.The way(s) that masculinity are perceived and conceived of are still pretty much in the dark ages, not enough research has been done to demonstrate that there are a great many different kinds of masculinities with men having a variety of ways for expressing themselves but which still get repressed today. Basically, the myth still at large today is that a man has to be dominant, tough, confident OR he's gay. There's very little understanding in-between. So, if you are being referred to as feminine, then it says more about the limited ways available to describe masculinity, that it does about you - sure, you're probably different to a lot of other guys who all subscribe to the stereotype, but there aren't (yet) many ways for anyone to describe these differences.However, another major factor in what you are experiencing is age. At your age (sorry, I don't mean to sound patronising) and even despite the vast amount of porn now readily available, most people have a very limited sensitivity to how sexuality is connected up to things like intelligence and to the sensuality that one feels beyond the act of sex; instead, younger people (especially guys, sorry) tend to focus on maximising the sensations of a very limited form of sex (ie just penetrative sex) rather than taking time to figure out that sex and sexuality extend far beyond this act and are connected up to the pleasure and excitement and comforts that we feel in other aspects of life; you already have a strong sense of this - you not only recognise that sexuality can be connected to the more comforting gestures like hugging and holding, you are also THINKING about it and trying to make sense of how your sexuality works, which shows to me that you actually enjoy thinking and making sense of your world - it's just a shame that the results of your thinking at this stage seem to give negative results ie. that you feel bad about yourself. But really this can be seen as a sign that you are in many ways more mature and sensitive to sex - it may take some years for those around you to chill out a bit and realise what they're missing out on. And it may also be the case that, when you do find a connection with someone, you yourself will develop in ways that could surprise you. So, without wanting to patronise you what I'm saying is that youth, here, is not to your advantage, and stereotypes of masculinity are still kinda ridiculous. Nevertheless, I'd urge you not to give up and to really try to value your way of doing things - slightly older women will LOVE this approach when they tire of being used by dominant males, but also there will be some younger women who feel the way you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): I think birds pretty much like hugs and cuddles and all that crap. so they should like you for that .
But girls like a more direct approach when trying it on with them , they like a guy to take charge .
( you are similar to me where I do not like touching people , or hugging etc )
But as blokes we have to be more direct and take charge .
Trust from somebody who has not had the best of luck for some time lol
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A
male
reader, jc2008 +, writes (23 November 2014):
Hey,
It sounds to me like you are hanging around with the wrong kind of women. There are loads of women who would appreciate the respect you show them without being agressive. The fact someone says you are feminine is spiteful and you shouldn't take any notice of them. Go on a few dates and find yourself a woman who would appreciate a man as nice as you. Also I'm a gay guy and we're seen as sex focused. I perfer a good hug too.
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