A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneHope you can give me some advice on my situation..bear with me though as it's quite a long one! I am due to be married next year, my fiancé is a good man, we have been together 3 years etc. he has 2 kids from a previous relationship in which Just recently I feel so so stressed and under appreciated. I know why but I cant rid of these feelings. My fiancé has just gone through a nasty court battle as the ex stopped him from seeing the kids (no safeguarding concerns, she just met a new man and wanted him to be the Childrens dad). She was horrendous with me beforehand and even though my fiancé and I get to see the children now and everything is better, Myyou are problem is now the children have been poisoned by their Mother. Mu tell the kids how much I love them, organise birthday parties, give them everything they need when they are in my home, I never ever get any appreciation or love. They only want me when they want my possessions. My fiancé doesn't understand, he does thigs for the kids too, but is loved. Unfortunately, due to the ex's bitterness, I can't go to dance shows, football or take them anywhere on my own - it's the same with the children's extended family as she has stopped the children seeing them aswell. Now, it's the 'norm' for me to give them my iPad, camera, sort out there food etc. I love those kids to bits and I just want a loving relationship with them but can't due to fear from my fiancé side of loosing them, but at the same time, I am tired of being just a house keeper. Today my future step daughter said 'I love my lovely daddy and my lovely brother and that's just my future step mum', which broke me (the kids didn't see that though, only my fiancé who then made excuses and said that's my personality coming out of my daughter,,which unfortunately made me think 'great' even though we have been together over 3 years) My step daughter is being my bridesmaid aswell and step son usher which is lovely and they are thrilled at us getting married, but this is my life. I want to have a good relationship with me but I just can't take the fact that when they go home to their Mums, I am bad mouthed and all the work is undone and then left to do the housework and be at 'dads house'. I hope I am not sounding selfish and I know dad has to sort it, but how can I stop from getting so upset all the time? thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): Thank you for your wonderful advice.
The children are 7 and 11.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): How old are the children?If they're young enough, you can win their hearts - not from buying them toys but by spending time with them and taking an interest in their lives and creating new memories. Take them to the park or make some paper marches or play charades after dinner. Create memories which will strengthen bonds. Tell them how their father is a very nice man and so is their mum. Ask them about their favourite memories, about their friends, book characters that they like etc. Hide your Ipad and camera next time they come round and say they're broken. When it comes to food ask them to help you make lunch, dinner or sandwiches or whatever it is. Their input can be as simple as handing you the carrots and keeping you company. This is all to help you bond with them. But a word of caution, don't expect them to Love you or tell you they love you. That will feel like a huge betrayal to their mother. Don't put them in that awkward spot where you say I love you and they feel torn. Tell them how happy you are to have them around and how much you love their company but to say I love you... that's a bit much. I don't think I could say that to a step mum. That comes after years and years if at all.Also kill their mother with kindness. Next time you drop the kids off, give her a bottle of wine that you thought she'd enjoy. When christmas comes, help the kids make christmas cards for her and on mother's day etc. Send her christmas cards and give the kids a present for her from you as well. You could even ask her to meet up for a cup of coffee saying you want to get to know the mother of the beautiful children in your husband's life.Eventually she'll see that you're not a threat.The most important thing you have to remember is that you were forced upon them - they didn't choose to hang out with you. When they say they are going to dad's it's not an insult to you but you are an extension of him and you have no direct relationship with them - yet. That's something that might come with time. Have you thought of having your own children? This would help you all to bond if you had one person in common.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 November 2014):
 Don't go through with the marriage til this is sorted. This is NO way to start a marriage. You Fiance knows how much this hurts you YET, what is he doing to fix it?
And even if it makes you feel "mean" STOP catering to these kids to the extend that you do right now. You can't BUY love or affection by giving them whatever they want.
How old are the kids?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2014):
 I think your children love you but are afraid to show it. Your fear comes from going ahead with this marriage and being unappreciated, and feeling like a second class citizen in 'dad's house.'
If I were in your position I would be tempted to say to myself, if they aren't treated me as mum, then I would stop acting like mum. No more parties, meals made with love, etc. But what good would that do except to create more distance, which is what the children's mum wants. However you don't want to be going to great lengths just to please them and get their approval either.
Your dad should sort it out but he may not know what to do to solve the problem. You may need a family counsellor because children need a third party, a professional who is neutral to offer them guidance. It won't hurt either to look into step parenting. Maybe there are classes around.
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