A
male
age
41-50,
*an_M
writes:I am absolutely still in love with my ex girlfriend.We have been broken up for a year and 9 months. We havent spoken in about 4 months and our last conversation (by email) was civil at the begining, but grew very tense very quickly.This will probably be pretty long, i thank you in advance for reading it.The relationship started off on the wrong foot. I had another woman on the side for the first 6mths. I used to be a bit of a player, was very selfish and self centered. It took me falling totally in love with this woman to see the error of my ways and i changed paths and became a decent person, for her and because i wanted to be a better partner for her.We tried to move forward after my cheating came to light, i moved into her home about 6 months afterward, but during that time i stayed with her for 5-6 days a week, sometimes more. We had our ups and downs, she struggled with the memories of my cheating, i did my best to make her feel secure in the relationship. Things progressively got worse, but i still wanted to work on things. Ultmately we broke up, but stayed in pretty regular contact until this spring when she went away on a singles vacation with some girlfriends. She ended up meeting someone and getting in a long distance relarionship with him. Regardless of how much we fought, i still love this woman with all of my heart. The last time we actually sat down and spoke, before the vacation, she had said to me that she thought i had suffered enough, i didnt push the point at that moment because i was grateful to spend time with her, although when i did ask where any chance i had to get her back ended and where her making me suffer began, she refused to answer. Its been about 4 months since we last were in contact with one another, aside from crossing paths at a concert, where i ended up getting really drunk because i was having a hard time seeing her and not hurting.I was on a 6 month bender from april until 10 days ago because i hurt so badly.I am still totally in love with this woman, i didnt believe in a "soul mate"until i fell in love with her. I dont know if she is still with this guy or not, but my heart cries out for her every day. I cant move on, believe me i have tried, espically after i was looking after her dog for the first few days that she was away. My brain tells me she is gone, but my heart tells me that she is the only person that im supposed to be with. I am totally lostI need some help
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broke up, drunk, ex girlfriend, fell in love, long distance, move on, moved in, my ex, player Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): I agree that all you can do is tell her your true feelings and see what her response is. If she doesn not want you back then do not rush to find a new relationship. You have learned some very valuable life lessons from this experience. In fact, you have learned lessons that I think many, many players (both men and women,) never learn or at least fail to acknowledge.
So if you cannot win her back, then instead take time to be yourself. Get to know this new you really well, and take what you have learned and hold it in your heart. Take the time to heal properly from your loss. That way when the right woman appears in your life you will be ready for her and able to give her your whole heart.
A
female
reader, positivesmiler  +, writes (15 September 2011):
Cheating has its punishments and you have now learnt from them.As soon as you met the one woman you truley loved your cheating ways had caught up with you..Its the trust thats gone its not because she can not forget you cheated..Its the trust that gose too..That is what cheating dose it destroys all the important things a couple should be sharing..Trust Honesty loyalty love feeling that you are the only one that is truley special..Cheating destroys all that..If you can work on all the things that your cheating destroyed you may win her back..By not giving up on her and staying faithful even if you are not together will show her just how much you love her and it will also show her exactly what she means to you..She will notice all this it will make her think..Good luck..
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Sometimes after a break-up it feels like your never move on - but you will.
It's great you have changed your ways, and that at the time you tried tl work through this with your then girlfriend, however from what you have written it seems that she could not come to terms with your infidelity. She has also moved on with her life she's met someone else, and as soon as that happens contact with you was bound to slow down.
As for you, a broken heart is always hard to deal with, end of relationships are hard to deal with, you need to start looking forward now - not back. Keeping your mind focused on this girl will prevent you from
Moving forward. I encourage you to take time for yourself, start a new hobby, spend time with friends and go on dates.
Trust in that you will feel better with time and there is always more than one soul mate out there, Its been almost 2 years it is time to let go and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (15 September 2011):
Has she told you categorically that she has moved on with her life and that you are not to be in it?
If not, it sounds like you need to give it one big last shot and tell her how much you love her and feel like she is your soul mate. You were together for almost 2 years so hopefully you know the best way to do this. I would see it as a one-last attempt at winning over her heart.
If it doesn't work out, at least now you are a better man who can be a good boyfriend to someone else. I know you don't want to look at it that way yet, but some things in life aren't meant to be, but the past does provide us valuable lessons for the future.
Good luck if you do give it another try with her.
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A
female
reader, Nik9  +, writes (15 September 2011):
It makes sense to why she wants nothing to do with you. She had to pay a big price(dealing with being CHEATED ON)before you genuinely fell for her, and finally changed your ways and became a man someone can trust. But how would she know this now? In her mind, you've hurt her once, what would stop her from thinking you wouldn't hurt her again? Sounds like a classic case of "too little, too late" to me.
If she is happy with someone else I wouldn't mess it up for her. If you love her as much as you say you do, you will let her move on and be happy with that other man. Perhaps if it doesn't work out with him you can try again.
If she is single you could try to send her an e-mail. Briefly explain how you feel and that you have changed, have HUGE regrets for ruining the best thing that happened to you(and not realizing it soon enough) and want to prove it to her. Ask if she would like to meet for lunch somewhere.
If she declines or ignores you, then this is when you MUST move on and allow her to come to YOU, if she ever feels like it. At that point it's her choice and there's nothing you can do about it.
If she doesn't want to see you or try to be with you again, don't wonder why, just think how you'd feel if you were cheated on, or worse, if this lady that is your soulmate(as you say) cheated on you. It doesn't feel good so you must be understanding that she has seen and been affected by an ugly side of you(that no longer exists). Her trust in you is probably shattered, she probably can't NOT think of you cheating or being with the other woman when she looks at you or makes love with you(seriously), and she is probably trying to find someone "better" (in her mind). It's pretty much just screwed up, ya know? Sorry to say but i wouldn't go back with you either =(
But I wish you all the luck! Hopefully if you do win her back she will be able to somehow put all this behind her, be able to trust you again, and move forward(That's a hell of a lot to ask!).
Also realize that there are many single ladies out there that you have potential of falling in love with and being the BEST boyfriend/husband you can be with a CLEAN SLATE. Let's face it, if you do get back with her she'll never forget, and probably will make you pay for it for the rest of your life in a passive-aggressive way. That's not a very healthy relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): Matters of the heart are indeed complex. Being a self admitted player, now you have perspective on how it feels on the other end. The broken hearted end. I don't want to throw out "what comes around". Ok so you only really have one option here and that is to give her space, learn from your past mistakes and if you set it free and it comes back then it was meant to be. Good luck to you.
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