A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was a virgin when I met my wife. She wasn't. She had had about 6-10 other lovers before me. I have never been with anyone else, but I found out recently that she has not been faithful. She didn't have any emotional attachment to anyone, but she went out with a friend who is a diagnosed nymphomaniac and didn't come home until 7am. I last heard from her at 2am when she said she was at a restaurant with her friend and some guys. I was pretty upset at that point and she hung up on me. She recently admitted that she got drunk and slept with one of those guys later that night. She is begging for my forgiveness, but it really hurts me that she has been my one and only and yet she couldn't stay faithful to me. I want to forgive her and make this marriage work, but I am filled with such rage and anger at her, especially since she got to experience other men and I have never experienced any other women. I have a hard enough time accepting that she slept with other men, but the fact that she was unfaithful on top of it makes it very hard for me to accept. She swears it was just once and a horrible mistake. She says she was sure I was cheating on her, too, because an ex-girlfriend called our house. (True, but I wasn't and never have.) I don't want to lose her, but I am having a hard time forgiving and forgetting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): Dearest OP , your wife is not truthful. She has no respect for you. What do u owe her? Absolutely nothing! Your marriage was over even before she opened her legs to the other man/men. Her disrespect is so blatant when she tries to justify her cheating by saying u were doing it as well. This is bull.U may not want to lose your wife But she threw away your marriage. For her sex is not a big deal. Having numerous sex partners is a norm for her nd she will always want variety. For her sex is just sex and she doesn't have any qualms about this. Can u live with this knowledge? What happens when she gets the itch again? Meaningless sex again? Hell no! Look: u are a good guy. U deserve to have fun. Cut the cheating wife off and go out and live your life. U deserve better. U will always wonder who she is going it with and no one should spend the rest of their lives this way.OP have u watched Crazy Stupid Love ( I'm sure this is the correct title). Its about a wife who cheated, wants a divorce, the devastated hb then slowly gets his life together. It is a comedy but lots of raw emotions. You see, OP, u too can have a full life without your wife. Stop being her doormat. Stop allowing her to control u. Take your own back and go live a complete life without her.OP u are young and there is a whole world of exciting possibilities ahead. Take that drastic step . U deserve it.LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): as much as you want to make this marriage work, I don't think it can. You have some really deep insecurities to begin with and thus her cheating only make it that much harder for you to deal with. And there's no guarantees she won't cheat again - that's the devastation of infidelity. even after the infidelity is found out, there's always the unknown of the future despite what the partner says (after all she did promise before to be faithful in the form of saying her wedding vows). You knew about her past before you married her so you have to accept her past. If you can't, then that says something about yourself and your ego (not saying it's wrong or bad, just that this problem stems from you not her). Her cheating is a whole other matter. It's very hard to trust someone once they've cheated on you. Lots of marriages end because of this.But if you're carrying around insecurities on top of the hurt of betrayal, it won't take very much at all to trigger a full blown panic/rage attack in you. And there's no way it will just lessen or go away by itself, you will need to go into counseling if there is to be any hope for a real improvement (not just burying your hurt below the surface so you can face your wife). This is no way to live and I think it's better to end such a marriage so as to not be subject to this for the rest of your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): Dump her.Leopard does not change it's spots.She will drag you down dude.Where is your self respect and self esteem?I was in the same boat....get rid and start living your life without all that badness in it,,,,you owe her NOTHING.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (15 September 2011):
 i can understand how your wife,s past hurt you. i was not a virgin for my wife when i met her, but she was. we split up got back together by that time she had been with several men. even though i had been with other women before i met her ,it still hurt deep . the thought of another guy touching the one person you care more about than anything on earth. we have been married for over 25 years and those memories still hurt.but i love her and do not hold it against her. you will need to separate her past from her being unfaithful to you in your marriage, don't blend them together. counseling would be a must for both of you. it will take counseling,forgiveness,and working this mess out so healing can begin.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): The sex with someone else is the symptom, not the problem per se. Also she thinks that you were cheating (or probably she doesn't really, but that gave her some kind of excuse). You need to communicate clearly with each other about what the problems in your life together are. Some possibilities include: lack of excitement, dissatisfaction about your sex life or drifitng apart. Those are the issues that need tackling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): For me, marriage is about many things and perhaps the most important of these is trust. You will find it very hard to trust your wife now - whenever she is out without you, you will wonder if she's cheating on you again. Unless the trust can be regained, the marriage is dead.
Trust can be regained in some marriages, if both partners are prepared to work at it - counselling is essential. However, the cheating partner really has to understand and accept what they did is unacceptable and accept any boundaries you feel are appropriate to enable trust to be regained. In this instance, steering clear of more than one drink on a night out might be one.
Whether you are someone who, in time, will be able to trust her again is something we can't help with. Some people do seem to be able to do this - but if you do it, it must be wholehearted. No one expects instance forgiveness - if your wife does, and expects things to be 'as normal' for the next 6 months at least, then she needs to realise this is long haul repair work. Once you agree to give it another go, as it were, you can NEVER use this against her. But she must also understand that it is last chance saloon - if it happens again, she's out.
In the meantime, I would advise that you take time apart from each other. Go to counselling together but do not live together. You need time to adjust and get your head together and having her there all the time, possibly begging forgiveness etc, actually won't help you. Similarly, she needs time to appreciate the harm she has done to you and the marriage and to perhaps realise what she may lose. And as she is the guilty party, it is she who should vacate the marital home during this time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): My opinion is very different from the others.
My fiance lost his virginity at age 27...he ended up spending the next 7 years sleeping around and 'catching up'. Nothing major, he slept with about 14 women before he met me. He says those were much needed years for his manly ego...he needed to experience sexual variety, go through bad dates and exciting dates, experience bad sex,average and great sex and feel the difference between 'casual sex' and 'in love' sex. He needed to go through it to feel better about himself, confident about himself with women and ready to find a great girl he wouldn't settle for.
We all need to go through something similar...some people longer than others. I think you just skipped over that entire part of your life...typically which occurs in your 20's. Instead, you ended up in a warped situation where your partner mistreated you, was out with other people and slept with one of them...umm, why are you still there? What is there to forgive. You've suffered enough with some jealousy regarding her past, having her go out and get drunk/hang up on you, then sleep with another man...
You need to go out there and find your own manly confidence and then end up with a girl that is head over heels for you and who you can be with without all this insecurity/cheating. You're still young, don't waste your good years trying to forgive her for disrespecting you in an unbelievable disgusting way.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (15 September 2011):
She has hurt you in the most worse way! What kind of wife is she, to disregard your feelings and your marriage so much that she can so casually get drunk, and do that kind of thing.
She is begging for forgiveness, but are you tackling WHY she cheated? She didn't "just" cheat by accident. There must have been a reason. If you want to stay in this marriage, you really do need to figure out what caused her to so easily cheat on you. If you don't, it will just happen again.
The fact that she was out drinking at 2am, drunk, without you, and hanging up on you suggests that she would rather be out having fun, without you. Why is this?
My personal feeling is, if she was wife material, she would have respected that you were a virgin so much that she would have never, ever strayed. Can you get over this? I am not sure. I guess it depends on how forgiving and reasonable you are. Whatever though, it's going to take a lot of time to move on - but things will get better, have hope.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Oh boy. Yeah, I would have a really hard time forgiving and forgetting too. That's a very natural response, and your healing will take a long time, no matter what you decide to do in the future.
But keep in mind -- in order to not lose her, you must need to figure out how to forgive her and be able to open your mind to allowing the relationship to become stronger. That will NOT happen as long as you hold onto rage and anger, and it especially won't happen as long as you resent her sexual past even outside of her infidelity.
You two need to go to counseling. That's your only outside shot at unravelling the feelings you both have as well as the impact of what's happened.
Be patient with yourself for now. I don't know of anyone would wouldn't be devastated and upset. But remember, you cannot stubbornly hold onto your rage and jealousy and unforgiveness if you want to keep her. If you hold onto it, you'll want to emotionally punish her, and you'll want to cheat to even the score. None of these actions will assist in any sort of reconciliation.
You need to take the lead and both of you go to counselling. This is your only shot.
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Firstly you need to forget about the men she has slept with before you. Everyone has a past and you can't hold it against her that she had a love life before you came on the scene.
You're right to feel angry and hurt. Who wouldn't? I don't think anyone can tell you weather you should forgive and forget as only you can make the decision. Give yourself time, it's not something you should rush into. Be honest with yourself, can you really forgive her and be sure that you won't bring it up in every future argument and hold it against her every time she does something that you don't agree with?
Listen to other peoples opinions and experiences, it may offer you a point of view you hadn't previously considered.
I like to think I would forgive a one night stand. We are all human and sometimes we get it wrong. None of us are perfect and therefore it's unreasonable to expect that our partners should be. A full blown affair is a different matter as once may be a mistake, more than that is a choice. It's easy to say though and quite a different matter when you're the one going through it.
I think you're other issue here is jelousy over the fact that she has had other lovers while you've never had that experience. This part of the problem is yours alone and you shouldn't let this factor into your decision. Good luck
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