A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:falling in love with my partner. i am a police officer. just recently, since july, i partnered up with a female partner. she is the nicest, most beautiful woman. i have always like her as a person but since we have been partners i have grown to love her. the problem here is that i am married of over a little 2 years now. just recently i had told my partner of the situation. i have been having marriage problems prior to the partnership. my partner being the good person, told me that the feelings were not the same, and that she just liked me as a good friend. my partner did say she still wanted to work with me even though she knows i have these feelings. but some of the interactions we have confuse my emotions sometimes. since i have told my partner about my feeling for her, i have decided to stay with my wife since the feeling was not the same. i still think about my partner when i am not with her. i love my wife and want to work it out with her. i dont want to lose my partnership cause i trust her and can rely on her at work. she gives me a positive influence in my life. so basicly i need to get over these feeling for my partner so i can start to focus on my marriage and so i can enjoy my partnership without expectations of anything more.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): i am the poster of the question...thank you all for your thoughts. what i have for my co-worker is not lust it is love because i care for her very much. unfortunaly i sit next to her in a car for about 7 hours out of the day, we cant help but to be alone. i dont wish to change partners because we have a good work ethic and in the police force you need someone that you can trust your life with, i trust her with everything. i dont know if any of you have been police officers but being partners with someone is almost like a marriage regardless of the partners sex. also i have tried to have my wife and partner meet so my wife can feel trusted with us. my wife and i had tried the dating thing but we are going away...kind perfect timing if you ask me. i am trying hard with my wife but i am being met with resistence from my wife. i love them both. my new question is it possible to love more than one?
A
male
reader, Bobito  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Darling. It won't help to try and explain what it really is that you feel about your colleague. The heart and the brain don't work together all the time. Does it really matter if it's lust or love? Whatever it is that you like about your colleague, it won't change.
What really matters, here, is whether you DO want to make things work with your wife.
I have a questions for you: what was it that made you want to get married to your wife? Maybe you should focus on those aspects that make her unique. Also, you could try and date her again, as if you were not married. Go to new places, discover again how wonderful she is.
Another question is: do you think you can get over your feelings for your colleague if you keep on working with her? If your anser is no, maybe you should consider whether it is more important to you to make things work with your wife or to work with your colleague. If your desire to work with your colleague is stronger, then you should consider whether it is even worth trying to save your marriage.
Good luck,
Rob
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): I think you confusing lust for love. It's easy to daydream about how great things would be etc. But it never turns out that way. Enjoy your friendship with her and leave it at that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): You mainly feel physical attraction for her, not love.
Do not look at her too much, do not spend unnecessary time with her, do not talk to her unnecessarily, keep focused on your work, try not to remain alone with her whenever possible. Introduce her to your wife, to reinforce your loyalty to your wife and increase emotional distance between your colleague and you.
Keep your mind busy, and your wife happy. Ask for your wife's help to stay loyal and uphold your marriage vows.
Be honest with your colleague. Explain her that you are struggling with feelings of attraction and that you are doing your best to keep it friendly and professional. Ask for her forgiveness if you may seem a bit distant and cold at times, tell her it is not your intention to be rude or uncool and that you in fact appreciate working with her.
If all fails, ask for your reassignment to another unit.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): Your feelings about your partner might be a result of your crumbling marriage. You seek the love and affection from her which you should share with your wife, and probably, as you have rightly said, confuse emotions.
Its very common to think you are falling for someone else, when your relationships aren't working out, but you cant give up on your marriage just like this. Take a holiday with your wife, try and talk things out, spend time with her, and do consider counselling. It can really help. Once you work at your marriage, there wont be any space for a third person.
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