A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife of 2 years (together for 7) moved out about 2 months ago because she needed time to find herself and learn to love herself. After that, things spiraled downward drastically. A man she met on a trip earlier this summer visited her the very next weekend after she moved out. She also went to a football game with him that I had bought her for our two year anniversary. She says they're just friends, but she doesnt want to be with me. She said she loves me, but isn't in love with me. I've done what she's wanted and given her her space. I've been a near perfect husband, never yelling or hitting her; always making sure she's taken care of. I'm not smothering, either. I give her plenty of space and don't control her. Is my marriage over? Has she already checked out of our marriage and in it with this other guy? The trip was educational, and there were no warning signs that I or anyone else could see before the trip. Thanks in advance!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Again, the OP here. Thank you to everyone for your responses. Since she's moved out, I have been focusing more on myself, but i'm still very much in the shock and hopeful stage. I'm still hoping that she'll come to her senses and, to be honest, I take my wedding vows very seriously. "For better or for worse" actually means something to me, so I am, and will continue to be 100% committed to this marriage until those divorce papers are signed. Which will be around February because of a mandatory 6 month "cooling off" period in my state.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Dear Op - there is nothing wrong with the title. I think you have been the perfect hb! I think u know that she is having an affair already so the best thing may be is to start divorce proceedings. I hate it when partners move on, leaving their better halves for others, and the committed partner waits for them to come back. In your case you deserve better, just so much better. I think once you realize it then you will take measures to end this farce of a marriage (this is what it has become). I got some good news for you: other women will love that you have character, that you are decent, that you love stability and that you are faithful. So, in the end , you do not need to look into a crystal ball : you will find the right woman. She is out there and she will treasure you. You need to now take that bold step and start with proceedings to end this nightmare. Don't wait for her to come to her sense. I think once you get ut that this OM did not just appear in her life, that she was carrying on with him previously, then it will push you to make a firm decison.you are young, go spread your wings and conquer the world. Have fun and enjoy your life. You deserve it, Mr. Almost perfect husband. I know many women would want to trade with your (ex)wife.
-LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Its over brother. Talk to your lawyer and change the locks.
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A
male
reader, kewuoygy +, writes (11 October 2010):
You shouldn't blame yourself for being non-spontaneous or compare yourself to that online professor of hers. Actually, my situation is the reverse. I am the spontaneous kind of guy and my wife is the non-spontaneous one. We started out having some problems, but we are both convinced that love should survive personality differences and changes. And we have worked out. She might be on cloud 9 right now because she feels liberating going places with her new beau, but after a while, reality sets in. Having a kid, a house and a mortgage, there is nothing spontaneous about that. In the event that you cannot save your marriage, you should at least ask her why she chose to leave you. Have an honest conversation with her without expecting her to come back to you. In that case, you will learn more about yourself, even though it is foolish on her part to leave you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 From your post, sorry, but your marriage is over. It was not by chance that the man came only one week after she left you. Of course he knew she would be leaving you, and of course they agreed on meeting.
Maybe the thing was emotional some time ago, but it wouldn't surprise me if it were "more than emotional" by now.
Of course you need to understand why this happened. I'm sorry to say that very probably you won't get an answer, but I am absolutely sure that you will be in serious pain and distress for very long. You will still be in pain and distress if you find out why she left you. And all that will simply distract you from the important thing here, which is rebuilding your life.
I know that human beings can't be asked to just forget about a marriage and move on, in a second. You're not a machine to be able to do just that. But, please take note that you will grieve for some time, and then you will have to find something to do with yourself. Don't lose sight of the big picture.
I would certainly encourage you to determine what you didn't do right. Where you gave in too much, where you could have done better, et cetera. Notice that I'm talking about YOU. Don't lose sleep over what you could do to keep her, or on "what if's". Ask yourself questions such as, "Was I too nice?", not questions like "Why wasn't I even nicer?".
All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): I'm the OP. Forgive the title of the post. I didn't write that and it makes me sound a little conceited! Thanks for everyone's replies. There are a lot of threads still hanging that i'd like answered. Our physical relationship was great. We were always doing things together and taking little trips. We bought a house a year ago because we had talked about it a lot and decided it was time to establish some roots somewhere. And then when she got back from this trip, everything changed. Before I posted, I was already convinced that she's having an affair with this man. If not a physical one, then definitely an emotional one. I'm sure, as a comparitive right now, he comes out better than me because i'm the non-sponatneous husband that has a 9-5 job and he's an online professor that can pick up and go to Europe for the weekend. At this point in time, it's separation for two months and i've not made contact for about 3 weeks. And I met her near the middle of my freshman year of college to answer the other question. Thanks again for the replies.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 There is not enough information, I was looking for some on the physical intimacy department. But here are some wild guesses. Some women or men equate perfect with boring. She wants the passion that only a man at the infatuation period can give her. She needs to understand that all relationships would come to this, comfortable and predictable. For me, a few days separation is enough for me. She's with you for seven years, but that doesn't mean she has the language to express what she wants, or maybe she has an idea of what she wants but feels ashamed to ask for it. Anyways the problem is not you. If this is her first relationship she might feel like she's missing out on exploring other guys. Maybe she needs to compare you to other guys to see if she really loves you. 2 months is a hell of a long time. She is not very considerate of your feelings. Asking her for some feedback is not smothering. You deserve some respect. Without her saying anything I can guess that she's starting an affair and leaving you hanging.
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A
male
reader, kewuoygy +, writes (11 October 2010):
Sometimes, people don't treasure what they have; they just don't appreciate how blessed they already are until they lose it. But oftentimes, that's too late.
In your case, I assume you've been together since high school, perhaps? She might think that she didn't have much a chance of dating other guys before committing to you. She might think that there has to be someone better out there.
I am not sure what you should or could do at this point. Waiting for her to turn around and realize that she was dead wrong in leaving you? It might or it might never happen. But just in case she wakes up to her senses, comes back to you and deeply regrets what she has done, you should probably receive her with open arms. But if she doesn't in the next couple of years, it's probably time for you to move on. You can't wait for her forever.
As for myself, do I have a near perfect wife? Yes, I do. Am I tempted at times to leave her for young and attractive women? Absolutely! (My profession presents plenty of everyday opportunity to meet women in their late teens and early twenties.) But every time I am tempted, I think about the years we've been together, the triumphs and the pains we've experienced. Once I've learned to count the blessings, then the temptation will vanish.
We are living in a "me" culture. So many people just aren't thankful for what they already have.
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A
male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (11 October 2010):
look man your wife is out of order. By any chance you get married to ask for time out or to find love for her self... get real this marriage is over. When someone acts the way your wife does... her situation usually has a first and last name and probably it isn't yours.
Donot try to fool yourself into thinking nothing is going on with your wife and this "guy"... is it ok for a married woman to have other men at her home??go out with them????
IT might hurt, but get your thoughts straight, get a divorce now!!! if possible for adultry,this way you keep your money and her half.
Let her find herself alone with the other guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): You sound like a nice guy, unforunately, being the perfect guy isn't always what a girl is looking for. Maybe she found something with this other guy that clicks with her, just like I'm sure there are women out there who would click better with you than with him. It just depends on the woman. See how things play out, because maybe your wife will realize that you were what she wanted all along, but if not, it might just be a matter of compatibility and isn't anything personal. It's sad, but a possible reality; just keep your own options open and work on moving on.
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