A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a 20 year old male virgin from Alberta, Canada. I seriously need help with this...I've never had a girlfriend, all through junior high, all through high school, and beyond. I still live at home with my parents, and I guess that kinda screws me over a fair bit. Maybe if I lived in residence, I might be able to actually date someone... I don't know. But that's kinda beside the point as i'm working right now and not going to College/University. I don't know what I should do... I wish there were some girls my age I could just talk to this about, and maybe they could help me out a bit....I've always been quite anti-social, and I guess I look decent, but I've never really gotten an opinion on my appearance from women. I don't really play any sports, and i'm pretty slim. I guess this is just killing me, I feel like i'm rotting myself from the inside out because I still have never even had ONE girlfriend, let alone the fact that i'm still a virgin. Most nights, I feel alone...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Hi, I'm 24 and in the same situation. Oddly enough, I've had women who were attached and therefore not "active" tell me I was very attractive, but I still can't get laid. It's not that I'm waiting for someone. I can't even get women on personal ads sites to respond to me. I have no desire for love; to be honest, I don't believe there is such a thing. Neither, however, do I think of women as objects; one the contrary, I respect them very much. Why is it people seem to assume wanting sex and respect for a person are mutually exclusive?
I know what you feel like when you say you feel like you are rotting. I feel the same way every day. The misery from lack of sex has infected every other part of my life, and I don't enjoy anything anymore. What disturbs me the most is how angry and bitter I'm getting, and how little I seem to be able to do to stop it. I'm afraid I'm eventually going to hate everyone and everything, that I'm going to turn into a terrible person, and I don't want to be a terrible person. I've run out of hope because every time I've dared to hope in the past, it's been shattered, and I feel like hope only every exists for me so that there's still something to snatch away.
I really, really hope your situation reverses itself. I realize mine never will. I've heard all sorts of advice, and it all seems to boil down to thinking of yourself as better than the woman you're interested in, being overbearing, and talking down to them, in the guise of "confidence". Well, I refuse to be cruel and self-centered, and because of that I'm going to die a virgin, whether it be sooner or later. I'd never say this if it wasn't anonymous, but I often wonder if the only reason I'm still alive is a fear of death, when I know damn well that every moment of my life is agony and it's never going to get any better, it just keeps getting worse.
A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (9 December 2008):
Oh, I forgot to say: I was a 20 year old virgin. And 21 . . . and 22 . . . and even 23. I remember sitting in my college graduation, after astronaut Deke Slayton delivered the address, watching my friends step up to receive their diplomas, and thinking "I'm probably the only guy here who has never been laid.". Well, it wasn't true then, and I don't think it's true now.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (9 December 2008):
Do you really mean "anti-social", or "non-sociable"? There is a difference!
The feeling of "being the only single in a sea of couples" can be devastating. I was there!
In fact, the "onliness" of your situation is probably not true - there are probably more unattached (and never attached) people around you than you realize. But you won't discover this for several years, so my telling you isn't much comfort right now.
Whether romance, physical intimacy, or sex is involved in the relationship you'd still like to experience the companionship and emotional intimacy. I think that's normal and healthy. The sacred writings of the Hebrews and Christians even state, very early, that people were made to have fulfilling interpersonal relationships. I'll make several suggestions. Evaluate them and decide if they're useful to you. I'll warn you now - it will take a little courage and you may experience some discomfort.
- Proximity. You aren't going to meet many girls in a monastery, but you don't have to be a National Hockey League player to attract girls. Get involved in activities that are comfortably co-ed. This might be an interest group like a Kennel Club or the local Historical Society. Or a church. Or take a few college classes. Or even a mixed athletic team, like bowling, tennis, or volleyball. The key is GET INVOLVED: serve on a committee, organize a study group, plan a party, volunteer to make the reminder calls. The whole process will be easier, and quicker, if one of your guy friends goes with you. Ask him to critique your behavior: Are you too talkative? Too quiet? Too withdrawn? Too bossy?
- Don't think of female acquaintances as potential dates or relationships. (I KNOW this is hard!) Instead, just become comfortable being around girls, talking with them, working with them. And don't concentrate on girls alone - even men (and women) you know as neighbors, coworkers, customers, etc. have daughters, cousins, coworkers for you to meet.
- Don't get obsessive about looks. Look at the couples around you. (I know - you already have! And that's why you're asking this question here.) Not necessarily the couples you went to school with, but rather the couples your parents' age, who have stable, long-term relationships. If you are honest you will see that tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, curley-haired people, bald people - even smart people and dumb people - are all capable of having fulfilling relationships. Ask yourself, "What did he/she ever see in her/him?" And then - if you're brave enough - pose the same question to the couples themselves. Well, not EXACTLY the same question. A better way to put it is "How did you meet your wife/husband?". Believe it or not, old married people LOVE to answer this question - but that's something you're still too young to appreciate.
- Don't try to be what you're not. One of the old philosophers said, "Know thyself.". Don't try to be the life of the party if you're quiet and shy. Don't dress like a super-model if you're short and chubby, or don't like being gawked at. Most folks can spot a phony - and they will either avoid that person, or try to take advantage of his/her insecurity.
- Let older adults know about your situation. Think of the adults you've had good personal relationships with. These might be aunts or uncles; athletic coaches; special teachers; Scout or Church youth workers; perhaps a neighbor or family friend. Somebody who KNOWS you and you can speak with in confidence. Let this person(s) know how you feel deep inside. Ask for two kinds of suggestions: things you can do to improve the situation, and people you can meet. Folks your age are generally very poor matchmakers: they'll simply try to hook you up with the first unattached person who comes to mind. Older adults, who know your personality and temperament, are much better at it. They recognize qualities and traits that improve compatibility. (Very few young people consider this idea, but it has been rather effective in other cultures down through history.)
My true story: Although I dated (and loved) a girl during the summer after I finished High School she broke up when we were separated at different universities. I went through 4 years of college without a real date, much less a girlfriend. At spring break of my senior year, in the course of conversation with an adult acquaintance, I mentioned that "Girls just avoid me like the plague." and we discussed the situation briefly. Now this "adult acquaintance" was my parents' age. Her daughter was in my High School class; I had been in Scouts and church activities with one of her sons.
But she had a niece . . . Two months later, after college graduation, I had the niece's mail address, and the suggestion "You'd probably enjoy comparing your college experiences.". There was a distance problem, so we wrote to each other - real letters on real paper, sometimes a friendship card or a trinket gift - for three months. It turned out to be a wonderful way for two quiet and shy people to get acquainted. In August I finally met her in person. One year and two weeks later we were married and still are. (I won't say how long that is, but our youngest kid is your age.) Every few years we send flowers to my wife's Aunt Laura on our anniversary, and thank her for introducing us.
You may also want to look at the old thread called "I'm 20 and never been kissed or had a bf! Any advice?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-20-and-never-been-kissed-or-had.html .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): You sound like your a little shy, your going to have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. If its possable you should absolutely get your own place. Try taking a cooking, or dancing class where there will likely be single women who also love guys who can do these things!! Confidence, Confidence, Confidence. Fake it if you have to. Don't be discouraged by being told no. Its just means she isn't the right one anyway. Don't take it personal. You have to open your life and put yourself out there or nothing will ever change. Love is worth it. You are the only one who can change your life. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! Do Not sit at home one more night feeling lonely. I believe everyone has a love out there, but she can't find you if your hiding at home. GOOD LUCK!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): i lost my virginity about a month after i turned 21.
before that, i had a girlfriend for one month in eighth grade, made out five times with two different girls and touched one of their breasts. THAT'S IT. sounds pathetic when you read it, but i ended up okay.
but i know what it is like. i've been there. it drove me crazy sometimes, and was extremely embarrassing. i never talked to anyone about it, and my confidence started to plummet.
here's my advice:
while you're not getting any, focus on YOU:
i put all my pent up sexual energy into writing as i am an aspiring writer, and i grew so much as an artist in the last year of my virginity because of that. once you start having sex, especially a little late in the game, it will CONSUME you even more, to be honest. so focus on a craft, a hobby, a career while you have the energy and time to do so. also - read about sex. you probably won't understand it fully until you start having it, but read about tips and positions and a woman's genitalia and how to give them an orgasm.
losing your virginity:
there were times when i considered prostitutes or strangers from personal ads. but i started thinking, i've waited this long, might as well wait for a meaningful girl. i lost mine on a night i had drank quite a bit. it was with a girl who was a good friend who i had spent the previous few months falling in love with and trying to win over. she was very supportive the first few times we slept together because i never finished. she was supportive as i learned how to make her orgasm, and become a better lover. she has been my girlfriend for 15 months and we now live together.
having sex for the first time was monumental. i felt so old when it finally happened that i thought it never would happen. the first several times i lost my erection pretty fast, i think it was being so terrified and in awe of the act. also, i had drank all of those first times. i honestly don't think i could have lost my virginity without alcohol. i'm not suggesting that, but i think it was necessary for me and also the girl, who is shy herself.
***BUT REMEMBER THIS: You are 20, and still young. I have several friends both girls and guys who are still virgins at 22, and you'd never know it. I used to think EVERYONE could tell I was a virgin just by looking at me - NOT TRUE. I used to think once I had sex I'd be totally different and more confident: NOT TRUE. I didn't feel any different after I lost my virginity - it wasn't until after becoming confident with my girl and with sex did I see some positive improvements in my maturity. Though it seems like the end of the world to you NOW, it won't be in the long run.
Focus on YOUR life right now, and learning to first talk to girls. Some fun, sloppy, maybe drunken hook ups are fine, but not much will change with you when you finally have sex. (remember not to try to get a girl to do anything she doesn't want to - if she says no, drop it) SO REALLY: focus on finding someone who means a lot to you who can help you and become your first lover. that's when you'll make strides in your personality and confidence.
good luck, let me know if you'd like to talk more about this, as someone who has been there....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): Being a virgin still isn't all that bad, hun. I have a few things that might help. 1, you could find a hobby that you enjoy and look into clubs/guilds. If you like anime, like I do, join a cosplay guild or go to conventions. If you like to play video games, I'm sure you can find a group to join that way. Getting social is easier when you are with a group that all likes what you like and that will help you be more open.2, Go to kareoke. :D I'm so serious about this one, even if you can't carry a tune in a bucket, its a great way to meet people and friends. Just go up and sing! My mom met my step dad at kareoke, and my friend met her current boyfriend at a kareoke place. Besides that, its just fun! 3, Get a social job. Like being a waiter. I know its not like.. omg amazing job. But being a fun up-beat server can catch you girls. My sister, for example, has met three boyfriends who were servers at various places. One was at Red Robins, one at this steak place, and the other at Olive Garden. They were really sweet guys who made sure we always had bread at the table, asked 'what the beautiful ladies would like for dinner tonight', checked back on us and always kept our glasses full. And not only that, they did it with smiles, and jokes, and to all the people who they served. Its silly, but kinda refreshing.
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A
male
reader, coldcannon +, writes (8 December 2008):
Wait one more year, go to clubs, and use alcohol to your benefit. Then you'll be social. ;) and if ur pretty slim i would suggest eating more and possibly working out
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