A
female
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anonymous
writes:Im 8 months pregnant and me and my boyfriend have not been getting on. Most of the time its down to him keep going out every weekend and come back rolling drunk the next day or so later. My hormones are all over the place too and I snap at everything and anything. This week we had a huge row and hes decided he wants some space so he has moved out to his familys place to stay for a while. I didnt want him to leave but he says the space will do us good. Part of me agrees with him but there is another part of me that hates him for leaving me when Im at my most vulnerable and I need him. Ive told him not to run away from his problems but he says he needs space or he will end up hating me. Do I let him do what he wants or should I fight for him to come back and sort things out? The last thing I want to do is push him away for good but I feel like I cant cope on my own. Im mainly bed bound with bad pelvis and feel uncomfortable all the time. I also have another child from a previous relationship who is difficult to look after and has built up a bond with my partner and now keeps constantly asking where he is. I just feel deeply let down and abandoned when I need him most. I am 32 and he is 37.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2016): You sound in a similar situation to me. My partner has left me alone pregnant with knowing no one in the city and him wanting to have an abortion.
He says he needs to sort his head before he can eventually support me.(his problems are with his lifestyle and not wanting to grow)
I find this very selfish act as like I said I am completely alone and feel like I don't need support eventually I need it now.I guess like me your feeling bitter towards him. Why can't they push there issues aside and be there through a woman's difficult time!
My partner has now decided to leave me too.
I feel your pain ! I hope you get through this a stronger person
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): Hi again,i thought i would also add, that your partner may be using drinking and getting drunk regularly, as a way of escaping from the reality of what is really happening with the two of you.He is about to become a dad and whilst he doesn't act as though he cares, he certainly sees the reality of what is about to be.If he doesn't address his drinking to excess now, unfortuntely this habit will only get worse, especially with the added pressure of having an extra little mouth to feed.Babies are wonderful and so very precious, however, for many people, it can be a time of great stress and worry, rather than a time of joy, happiness and peace.Again, i would advise you to discuss the options, regarding addressing your partners drinking habits with your GP and ask he/she, if your partner could benefit from going to AA.In Australia we call this "Alcoholics Anonymous".I am unsure as to what organisation assists men/women with alcohol and substance abuse in the UK.All the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)Ps. Hang in there and be brave, be strong for you and your unborn baby.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 March 2016):
 If the whole point of having your boyfriend stay is so he can help and be supportive then you might as well let him go and stay with his parents. He'll be no more useful to you at your home then he will be while at his parents' home and this way he won't be around to cause more stress.
OP, even if you patch things up and he comes back you already know something very important about him, if you didn't pick up on it before. Your boyfriend is not a step up to bat kind of guy. When the going gets rough he runs back to mummy.
I suggest you reach out to whatever WOMEN you have in your life, family, close friends for the support that you need, and consider speaking to your GP, as another aunt suggested.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 March 2016):
 Let him move home. What you NEED more than him is some peace and quiet the last few weeks. Not a whole lot of drama and certainly not some drunken BF rolling in at odd hours.
I think it might also give you some insight in HOW it is to be a single mom. Because? That might be where you end up. How do you think he will cope with a TINY baby if he can't cope with you being pregnant?
He is 37 acting like 17. Going drinking on the week-end. Seriously, you have made a child with a man-child. What kind of role model is he for you older child?
Sorry, let him go. Relax and focus in the child and the baby. They are WAY more important and NEED you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): Hi,i am very sorry to hear of your dilemma.I would strongly advise you to seek professional advice and support in your local area.A very good starting point would be to visit your GP and discuss all your concerns and your situation with he/she.I am sorry to say, however, your partner is not a responsible man whatsoever and considering his partner is about to give birth to his child, he ought to be much more supportive.The real issue here, is that your partner has never really taken on major responsibility. He is still mentally immature and this can be completely verified by what he does.He may not have very good independant living and social skills, hence making it very hard for him to be a mature and responsible partner.I am certain that he has much good within him, waiting to be unleashed, however, he too, requires much support and professional help, in order to find himself and to make better life decisions.Basically, to "grow up".He drinks to excess and doesn't come home immediately and i can only imagine the stress and the pain that this must place on you.He runs away when he cannot cope with anything surrounding you and the relationship you both share.He may be running away, because he is afraid, doesn't want to fail you and your unborn baby and because he simply doesn't know what to do.I know it takes two to tango, but in the real world, two can tango, however, still not be ready or able to cope.He needs professional assistance, however, as he comes across as very immature, i suspect he may not even want to seek professional help/advice.He may be in full denial, regarding his own instabilities and behaviours and be prepared for this, as a worst case scenario.He hasn't yet found himself, so you cannot expect him to be fully committed to you, nor is he even able to show full responsibility for his own actions too.I don't mean to sound nasty, judgemental, unsupportive or crude, however, i agree with the first reader.I would strongly advise you to not get intimately involved with any man ever again, certainly not until you have gotten to see who he really is and until he has proven to be worthy as a long term partner.You already have one child from your previous partner, you are now pregnant to a new partner and a new partner, who really isn't even a partner,certainly not a caring, loving and supportive partner, so YOU must take full responsibility for your OWN choices/actions first and foremost.I say what i say, even though it may sound harsh, because this is the harsh truth and reality.I am not judging you, because i am sure you love your partner very much, but the fact is that, he isn't ready to be a father and the proof is in the pudding. ie: His behaviours.I would also strongly advise you to let him go and to not force him to stay with you.The facts are that, if you force, beg and grovel for a man to stay, you will only make him more apt to want to leave and leave he will, whether you like it or not.If this man truly loves you and cares at all about you and your unborn child, he will come back and you will not have to beg him, ask him, nor force him.If you give him all the space he requires, you will then be able to sit back and watch his true colours blossom, whether they be positive or negative.Right now, you need support, he won't give it to you, because he cannot even support himself, so you will need to speak to somebody that you feel comfy sharing with, someone that you trust.You also require assistance with your first child, so you need to think about who you will need to go to, to ask for support and at least until you give birth.Do not sit around waiting for your partner, because the worst case scenario is that he may not return immediately, nor perhaps at all.You need to be realistic, set a few new goals that do not include him and i believe you can do anything you set your mind to.How do i know? Because i was in a similar situation to you and i survived! You can too. :-)It's a shame that, as much as you need him during this late stage of your pregnancy, he cannot be supportive, but this experience will only make you more independant and strong.The other big thing is that you must place yourself, your health, your peace, relaxation and your sanity first and foremost.You cannot be stressed when pregnant, because it really is very bad/unhealthy for you and your unborn child.Your baby in utero can feel your stress levels by the pitch/tone in your voice, by your elevated heart rate and much more, so do think about "you", rather than "him".You should write down a list of do's and dont's prior to your babys arrival, so this way you have everything organised, which will be less stressful and time consuming after your baby is born.Again, please make an appointment as soon as possible and chat with your GP regarding everything and even your partners excessive drinking, because if he's to return and be with you and your new baby and he continues to drink to excess, this will be very upsetting/stressful to you and it'll make being the best possible Mother, a difficult task, not to mention constant fighting in front of you newborn child.Constant fighting/arguing is very unhealthy and unpleasant for babies and growing children.Also, who wants to live and co-exist in a noisy and stressful home?I wish you all the very best and please feel free to connect with me, if you require more advice. :-)
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (4 March 2016):
 I feel deeply sorry for you. Have you family you can lean on? Are you able to stay with parents while you have the baby? You have one child and now are expecting another. While every baby brings love, I think this needs to be the last you have outside a stable relationship. Take care of your own contraception
As for making your SO live up to his duties, well, to be honest if he were any sort of a man you shouldn't have to.
I can imagine how worried you must be about the future. You are in need of some good fortune and I hope it comes your way soon.
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A
female
reader, LJCX +, writes (4 March 2016):
 I was under the impression that he was quite young when you said he goes out every weekend and comes home that drunk. But he's 37! He needs to grow up a bit.I would say you need to try your best to be calm to talk to him about this behaviour but you are 8 months pregnant. I know from my experience and from all of my friends that it's really hard not to be very emotional when you're pregnant. He should know this, everybody knows this.Do you get on with his family? Could you talk to them about it? Obviously you trying to tell him that it's not acceptable is making him get irritated and he's told you that he's going to start hating you. If a man behaved like that toward me I would seriously consider breaking up but you are having his child which makes it all the more difficult. Space is sometimes a good idea but you could give birth any time now and he needs to stop thinking about what's best for him and think about what's best for his own baby! Stress can cause all kinds of problems when you are pregnant. What if the baby came early and he was drunk, how on earth is he going to get you to the hospital.He's 37 not 17 so I find the fact that he still goes out every weekend partying ridiculous. Say after the baby is born you go out every weekend getting drunk what would he have to say about it all.I think the best thing you could do is talk to his family about this and try to get them to talk to him. I know it's a bit daunting thinking about raising a child on your own but sometimes it's for the best. If he can't be there for you at this time then when is he going to be. The drinking culture in the UK is ridiculous, I don't know why so many people wait until the weekend to act like fools and drink until they can barely walk. We all need time for ourselves and a day here and there to go see friends but every weekend is utterly selfish.
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