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*everley1202
writes:I am not a young woman, I'm a 46 year old who has been dating a 52 year old man for 3 years now. I'm divorced and his wife passed away. I want marriage but he doesn't. I have an 18 year old son who lives with me and my boyfriend wants to wait til he's on his own before we do anything. He has never had kids and lives seperately. We are very compatable (except when drinking) and I want more than to be 46 and calling him my boyfriend. I love him more than anything and rececently asked him how he felt about a long engagement. He was not resposive to that idea either. Should I keep waiting even though he won't move on my feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): I think you have a third option. Stop focusing on him and put your focus on you.By that I mean put yourself first by scheduling your days and nights with activitities and people that you enjoy. Take a class, you might meet like minded people there, or get involved in volunteer work, what ever you like.Your boyfriend has a "motivation" problem. He has the "insight" that you want marriage, he knows the excuses he is giving you, but he sees no reason to change the status quo because you are still there, completely available and commited to him.What I would do if I were you, is to give him a "power" speech. Stop "asking" him what he wants, and "tell" him what you want and what you are going to do about it.Say to him, I understand that you aren't ready to get married yet, or possibly you never will want to marry me, and that is OK, but I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend, I want happily ever after and for me that means marriage. You can take as much time as you need to decide if that is what you want too, you have every right to do that, but while you are deciding you can't have me all to yourself. I am going to probably be less available to you, and I will go out on dates with other men if I am asked. I don't mean that I will be sleeping around, I am loyal to you and expect the same from you, but while you are deciding about us, I will be keeping myself open to other men.....I think that is fair to both of us.And then do it. Don't flaunt men to make him jealous, but keep your heart open to other men, go out on coffee dates, and you can let him know that you aren't OK with him seeing other women, that if he does that you know he has decided against getting married to you. He has to "know" that he could lose you at any time by his not stepping up and claiming you as "the ONe" he wants to spend the rest of his life with and for you that means the commitment of marriage. You are the prize he has to win, not the other way around. Remember you have to be of high value to a man for him to work at getting you. Just look how hard men work to by expensive toys, cars that they want. You be expensive, too, by that I mean of high value....Your heart belongs to you, you are strong on the inside, but you will be open and accepting of him on the outside, but you will not cut your heart off from the love other men may show you.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 ?
You have an 18 year old son that lives with you and your boyfriend.
He has never had any kids and he lives separately.
I am totally unclear from what you have written. Does he live with you/or separately?
If you have let him move in, then what is the difference to HIM if you get a piece of paper signed? That's why you shouldn't live together first, and then hope for marriage. He has all the benefits and none of the obligations, and that suits him fine! Why would he agree to change it?
*(except when drinking)* is a very LARGE statement. If he (or you) has a drinking problem, it's not a small problem and he needs to tackle that first (if he wants to change) before you even consider marrying him. It's a make or break flaw for anyone, it's not a small flaw that you can sweep under the rug AND you should NEVER marry him if he is abusive when he drinks. You would be courting another divorce if you go ahead and marry an alcoholic; thinking that you could change them for the better.
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reader, Beverley1202 +, writes (31 August 2009):
Beverley1202 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs far as Emily's answer, your right strangers should answer because they don't really know.
And softtouch, It's not a problem of his wife passing away. I know him very well and would know if that was a problem, which i'm sure it's not. Drinking isn't a major factor in our relationship.
Basically, we are older and both have our own houses (and me a son), and it's not so easy to just sell them and move in with each other. Guess, I just wanted to know if after 3 years I want more is wrong or not?
Thanks.
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reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (31 August 2009):
Well this is a big decision and to be honest you can't ask strangers on the internet to make it for you.
You can:
a) stay with him and accept he may NEVER want to commit to you
b) leave and be alone for a while but have the possibility of meeting someone who is willing to promise to love you forever.
With a) you get to keep him but you'll never be truly happy. He may never even live with you. He may keep coming up with excuses, or he may come round and get married to keep you happy.
With b) you get the chance he'll realise he can't live with out you and may come after you once you've cut all contact. Or you may end up alone and dating complete jerks for a while. Chances are you'll meet someone nice if you keep looking though.
Personally I'd go for option B. But then that is just me, and I'm younger than you and very independent. You may be very different.
Think carefully about your options and the different possible outcomes and then go for it. But don't dither forever.
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (31 August 2009):
 I am so sorry that your boyfriend feels the way he does. You said his wife passed away. Does he still miss her? This could be the real reason why he's unwilling to be committed to a new marriage.
When you get to midlife and you suffer a loss of someone that close and intimate in your life, it gets increasingly more difficult to commit to a new relationship. You're asking him to slip away from the memory of his wife and come closer to you as the new woman in his life. That's a difficult adjustment for any man, but its especially difficult for a guy his age.
Part of the problem is that he is likely scared that to commit to you, and suffer a second loss, would be too much.
As far as kids, well I don't know if he even knows your 18 year old son. Is it that he doesn't want to have to compete with your son for your affection?
I will advise that you should stop drinking, both of you. Alcohol is a terrible substance. It does far more harm than good. I stopped drinking 16 years ago and though my life is far from perfect, I could never be happy drunk. At least sober I have had good times, and known some happiness.
Maybe the toughest thing you two could do is stop drinking, but when you do, and look at each other through fresh, sober eyes, maybe that spark will intensify. If so, he may be willing to commit to you.
I think from what you are saying, he is a very lucky man to have landed you as a girlfriend. Like I said, maybe it will take some more work, with him included of course, and if you two stop drinking and start living and sharing your lives together, he will find it an irresistible choice to go for marriage and try and begin again. If you two do that, you may discover that happiness is what you make of it.
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