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writes: I am a 36 year old male with a 9 year old son. My wife has recently told me that she no longer finds me physicaly or mentaly attractive. She says that she loves me but is not in love with me? I am very hurt and confused and wondered what I can do to turn this situation around. We seem to have so much going for us and I don't want to give up.She says that she wants to have these feelings for me again, how can we achieve this? HELP! Reply to this Question
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reader, eddie  +, writes (29 November 2006):
 Martini has many good points. I might add, this is probably the result of feelings she's been having for some time, and hoping they would pass. It's proabably not as much to do with you as she thinks either. I mean, I don't know you, but it sounds to me as if she's unhappy in general and needs a new focus.
Maybe as a couple you've let things become mundane and routine. Could you talk to a therapist together? I believe shen she says she loves you, she's meaning all the good memories and experiences that you've experienced as a couple. In other words, she doesn't dislike you, she's just bored. I'd question her on the part about not finding you attractive anymore though. Tell her to be more specific. HAve you changed since you married?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006): This is really just a play on words. In short, she's telling you that she's not as happy and as warm fuzzied-up inside of her when she is with you. She mentioned she loves you, but that is just her obligation and duty that made her say that. In more probable fact, she probably feels guilty about everything, thus leading up to telling you that she loves you but isn't in love with you.
She says she wants to have those feelings for you again. Well, go get two pieces of paper and a pen. The first paper, title it "When We First Met" and the second "Now". Write down all the good things you two did and talked about when you two first dated leading up the birth of your son. In the Now paper, write down all the things you two have done in the last 9 years. Also write down all the things you had going for you as a man. Afterwards, compare everything. If both of your lists are similar in length, then that means your wife is looking for new things, something to excite her again, to make her feel alive and loved, adored and worshipped, and treated like a young lady again by a strong man. Just ideas...
If your Now list has less positive things than your Before list, then you have to start with that, fill the void back up, and add new material. If you have to ask your wife what you should do to make things work, then you're clueless, and that is a big sign for her to want to leave you even faster.
I'll leave it at that, as other aunts and uncles will have more to say as well.
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