| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I'm 35 and have 3 lovely children and a partner who I have been with for 18 years. A few years ago I had a term of depression and had a string of affairs. I'm still not sure why, just being with the same person for so long...boredom...mid life crisis!So a counsellor told me. Out of these affairs I met a lovely man who I am still in contact with who was in the kind of situation that I was. I don't know if I should have done it years ago but I feel I want to break up with my partner and find myself again, but I can never find the right words to say to my partner and feel bad because it would break up the family. I feel lost. Any advice anyone?
View related questions:
affair, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): You obviously love your husband and children or you wouldn't be here. There is good and bad advice here but no one even mentioned talking to your husband. I don't mean "talking", I mean truly speaking to one another about things that maybe you don't WANT to talk about. I'm relatively young (27) but I have found throughout my life that often times the things that people don't WANT to talk about happen to be the most important events/issues in their lives and weigh the most heavily on their future. Don't allow yourself to be one of these people who are silenced by fear and perpetuate their own dismal existence. Take control of your life and yourself and do what needs to be done to remedy this situation. The bottom line is tell the truth, mainly to yourself, but to your husband too. There is a saying I like to go by. The truth shall set you free. If the one you care about (your husband) can't deal with it let it be his weakness that pushes you apart and not your own. Truth, honesty, openness they are all important with any relationship you have in your life but none other than the relationship with ones self. Look in your heart, the answer is there.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): I know how you feel. I had been suffering with depression sine my teens(though i did'nt know this back then) After having my daughter , I suffered post natal depression, making things much worse. I pushed and pushed my partner away, even though I loved him. I told him I needed a break, so we had the breaj, I was unsure of who I was in turmoil. Somehow a friend talked me into 'getting out there' meeting'new guys'. My partner and I got back together. Guilt ridden I told him about the other guy and our relationship became very strained My depression got worse. He eventually left. I still love him and wish I could have worked through my depression (at the time,but itwas so hard and I was so messed up)because I feel It would have helped
both be a stronger, confident person and make my own decisions in the right frame of mind. This was 4 years ago and my heart aches everyday. Please don't make a rash decision, get some help, talk to your partner, do new things
together.
SO
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): Do it!! Break up. If you don't you may well become bitter in years to come and seriously regret not doing it. If you are happy , it's more than likely your kids will be happy too. If you are miserable and frustrated in your relationship they will pick up on this. I don't agree with the other response at all "If you haven't found yourself at 35 you probably never will!" What rubbish, and what a defeatist attitude! I know it's a cliche but remember: Life's not a rehearsal, don't waste it away being depressed and unhappy in your current situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): It sounds like your mistake was getting married young. 35-18=17. It's amazing that you were married 18 years. Did you tell your husband about the affairs? If so, why is he still with you? If he doesn't know, you might try telling him, then he might kick you out and you could go out and play teenager like you want to. On the other hand, maybe he has cheated on you too, and in that case the two of you might try starting over. If you still haven't "found yourself" at your age, you probably never will. You will probably find that the problem wasn't the relationship, but your own lack of creativity and commitment. One thing I would suggest however. If the two of you are going to have it out, please don't do it in front of the kids, and don't use them as pawns in your fight. Kids deserve better than that. I was one of the lost generation of kids whose parents divorced (bitterly) in my early teens (I'm 35 too).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): I am currently 34 yrs old and over a year ago I was in a marriage with no children for 7 years. My husband had a job where i rarely got to see him. I had a great deal of freedom, I could do what ever I wanted whenever I wanted. I had never cheated or come close to it in all the time we were married. After a while I became lonely and I wanted affirmation. My life was so separate from my husband. Over a year ago I became involved with a coworker who was also married. I went ahead and did want i wanted regardless of consequences. I fell in love with my coworker. He left his wife and I left my husband. I felt that I could not stay in my marriage and regret not having that person I was so in love with. I thought my coworker and I were different, enlightened and very special in our situation and love ( but I realize now we are like so may others - full of hope and desire) A year has passed and in that time we have both gone through horrible painful divorces. I became pregnant with my coworkers child, had to switch jobs. He lost everything to his ex-wife, I lost all the money I had to my ex-husband, and took on our mutual debt because of the guilt I felt for leaving my ex. We lost most of our friends. Found out that my 38 yr old coworker was having an affair with a 21 year old girl who worked at the coffee shop next door before he started up with me. I suffer horrible guilt for having betrayed my ex-husband and for breaking his heart. I felt horrible guilt for hurting my coworkers ex-wife so terribly. I had extreme nightmares of guilt & anxiety every night for months and still do. I constantly fear that the new man I'm with will cheat on me one day. He feels the same fear about me. And I often feel anger and disgust toward him (though I'm no less guilty than he is) I fight every day to make this new relationship work because of this unborn baby. But inside I'm so afraid that all the hurt, fear and guilt are too much. We fight all the time and though I love him dearly, what we did and what we fear, our hopes and expectations may be too much to overcome. And the one who will suffer the most is our little unborn girl. I want her to have her father, and I'm still dearly in love this new man, so I will stay and fight to make it work if it kills me. I will not fail another person if I can help it. But I can say that I'm no happier than I was before, I'm no more in love with this man that I was with the last, it's just different. But the pain and suffering I've inflicted on others and myself has been something that I struggle with everyday. i could have never imagined it would impact my life, stability, and happiness so much. This is the most sorrow I've ever experienced & the pain is intense. Be very careful and try to consider your future carefully. I'm sure you realize that the steps you've already made has changed your life permanently. Be careful and really think through your next steps. you will thank your self later.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2006): I'm 25, in a relationship and we have a child. It's much different, because I haven't been with my fiance as long as you have with your husband... 18 years right? We've only been living together for 2 years, but we dated (seriously) for 5 years. We also broke up a few times. We never had a stable relationship. Then my girlfriend told me she was pregnant (failed birth control methods... or maybe on purpose?) while I was living in another state. We weren't even together at that time. Well, I love my daughter, and I could never leave her... but I'm not happy in my relationship. I mean, it's not terrible, we're good friends... but that's not enough for a relationship. It's not like we can just be buddies, roommates or whatever and be parents at the same time. Imagine how awkward it would be to say, "OK, I'm going out with a girl/guy tonight".
So, I guess I can't help you. Except maybe to say, follow your heart and do what's most important to you. It's important to be considerate and put your family ahead of yourself... but it's just not healthy to completely ignore your needs and emotions. (I should take my own advice...)
People say, "go to therapy" or "see a marriage councelor", but seriously now... if a couple is not in love any more, they shouldn't force it. It only leads to affairs, arguments, resentment, depression and more. And if you're afraid of ruining the family if you divorce... think about how the family would be when you're having affairs with other guys, or your husband is having affairs with other women, or the both of you are arguing in front of/near your kids!
Really, in the end, you're the only one who can make that decision, not strangers on the internet, and not even a therapist. It's up to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2006):
Go to therapy. Go to therapy. Go to therapy. Then, once you've come to terms with who you are, what your marriage means to you, why you've stayed in contact with the "other man" in spite of the fact that you say you don't want to break up your family -- decide to divorce or not.
Divorce is a terrible thing. Staying in an unhappy marriage is an equally terrible thing. Sometimes good marriages and good people go thru rough times and make poor choices. Your affairs are a sympthom of something misaligned in your life. Go find out what's going on and then make the big life choices.
Till then...break off contact with the other man and focus on - you. Be tender with yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2005): i agree
My wife is having exactly the same problem . She wants to go out and have fun which i have no objection to but she convieniently forgets that she is a mother, wife at the same time
just because you are having a midlife crisis everyone else has to suffer so you go off and be happy and forget about the misery and destruction you leave in your wake
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2005): Yeah I have some advice, Quit you whinning and start acting like an adult! You ARE lost, lost in self-pity and self-absorption. Try thinking about your husband and kids, are they better off with/without a mother/partner who is so obliviously unable to think before she acts? Maybe you should consider a divorce and let him have the kids as well and then you can sob your way through your "Mid-life crisis". Mid-lfe crisis my behind!
...............................
|
