A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys,This is a question about a family relationship. I'm new to this site but I don't imagine it's ever been asked before. I know it sounds kinda crazy, but I need advice about this desire of mine. Is there any way to make my wish come true, or could it ever be fulfilled? Well, I know it's a selfish wish but I never knew my biological grandfather... my mom's mom died from suicide before I was born. I would like to have a grandfather. I know it's a stupid wish but I want one so bad. An old person to care for tenderly and to give me love and be proud of me. My mom tells me stories about my grandfather, but instead of filling the void, it just makes me wish to meet him more. I know that's impossible but I can't help how I feel. I'm a lonely heartbroken girl from a fractious family. I have two emotionally unavailable parents, and a bratty younger brother. In spite of all that, I have a special talent for singing and it makes me happy, but it's the only thing that makes me happy. At least everyone tells me I'm good... I HOPE it's true. My dream is to be a great singer, but my family thinks my singing is weird and is emotionally unavailable. My grandfather was in an elite choir group or two, just like me and I keep thinking he would have understood how I feel. I sing all the time, around the house, but my family just yells at me to be quiet. It hasn't deterred me from my music dreams but sometimes I long for someone to understand. I know suicide is wrong, but I have forgiven him for it. I had a lot of anger about it for a long time and I resented him for ''selfishly'' taking his life. Honestly? He did spoil what could have been really special memories and he can never undo it now or be alive to rectify all the suffering he caused his family. I know no one will believe this story, but my grandfather was a Holocaust survivor when he was young and he saw things that traumatized him forever and even though he finally came to America, and started a family, he had Post traumatic stress disorder and it eventually induced him to take his life. It makes me angry to think of all the atrocities the victims went through and I pray that his soul is at peace. I never met him and I know it's silly to be lonely over someone I never even knew, but I can't help it. I think he would have understood me. Also, I REALLY love old people. They're so sweet, even if they're a little bit crazy. I know that if he hadn't committed suicide, he may or may not be around today but I would have at least liked to know him.Anyway, here's my wish. This sounds silly, but this is a season of year for miracles and we have Christmas, Chanukah upon us. I would like to have a grandfather as a gift this year. Obviously nothing will bring back my biological grandfather, but I just want a grandfather. I'm not sure how to put it. I know I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I am really just an ordinary person who is very loving and would like an old person to care for. I hope that doesn't sound creepy. What's wrong with me? Am I crazy for even considering my wish might be viable? How do I get over wanting a grandfather? Am I a creeper for wishing this? There's really no one I can talk to about it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2013):
 My father is a grandfather to children your age. there is no taking care of grandpa for my kids... at 79 he just got home from a 2 week cruise. I'm sure today is 18 rounds of golf at the club and then dinner out with the little woman (who at the same age will probably work out, run a few miles then play golf and go shopping)
I sense your loss is for this magical made up grandpa that really does not exist.
I too think that finding some local nursing homes to volunteer in will meet your needs and desires... Also I can suggest that if you have a need to nurture that you consider becoming a Big Sister. A big sister is a young woman who MENTORS a young girl without a mother... you don't become her mother.. but you become a trusted needed close friend with experience.
As for singing around the house all day... well as much as you love singing and as much as I love my kids, if you were singing all day at home I'd be screaming at you to "CUT IT OUT" too.... just because you like something full time does not mean everyone else wants it or likes it. You could be the best singer in the world and I would not want to hear it all day at home.
I just think your entire family is not what you want or hope for and you feel let down on many levels... you have t his "magic" grandpa in your mind, but reality is never what we dream it will be.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 No, I believe you. That's exactly what happened to writer Primo Levi ( 1919-1987 ). He was an Auschwitz survivor who described his experiences in the death camp in two books who won him, in Italy and Europe, fame, and huge critical and public acclaim. He committed suicide at age 78 and people were shocked, like, what , you survive a nazi death camp, you become rich and famous and important , build a nice family, give your contribution to the fight against fascism and antisemitism and help make a dfference, and... 40something years later !, you still haven't " got over " what happened ? Apparently not. Some things, you just can't " get over " them. It wasn't P.Levi's fault, and it was not your granfather's fault. It's like being exposed, innocent and unwilling, to some mortal virus that very slowly eats at you and erodes your strength and your spirit.
You can consciously strive to take this pain and TRANSFORM it. Get in touch with volunteer associations, they always are in need of caring sensitive young people to " adopt " lonely old persons. You can ask hospitals, and city hospices .In my country, mostly every town and city has programmes where a young man or woman can adopt an old man or woman or couple and go visit them once a week or more, keep them company, play cards, listen when they recount their past etc... and all in all become that precious voluntary grandchild who is so important when maybe the real grandchildren are absent, busy or just won't bother.
Get proactive, unluckily not living in your country I don't know the name of the associations, but you can use Google and other Internet resources,, the Yellow Pages, ask the local Churches , contact City Hall .
Oh, and since you are a singer ! retirement homes are always desperate to find something nice and inexpensive to entertain their guests and make theor often solitary sundays and holidays shorter : contact all the nursing homes and retirement homes of your area , offering to go every now and then to give a ( free ) exhibition of your art, I am sure they 'd love the idea.
Ahem.. as for singing all day at home and not " finding support "... listen, not only I am an ex performer , I am also a huge music lover, both rock and classic. But I would not want all day even Mozart with his piano or Bruce Springsteen with his guitar, - they'd drive me crazy. Art is a gift and an offer, - for the right times and the right moods to the right people. If you force your art down their throat all day long, no matter how good you are a " be quiet already ! " is the LEAST you can expect :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): You're not crazy. You simply have a desire for a close family relationship since your family is not close nor supportive of you.It is possible to unofficially "adopt" someone as your grandparent. My parents in law unofficially adopted their elderly neighbors who had no family. They were our unofficial grandparents for many years until they both died. They were at all family get togethers and christmases and so on. They were in family pictures. Now, my elderly grandfather (he is in his 90s) lives in another country from the rest of our family. He doesn't want to move so he lives alone. His neighbors are a married couple about my age (I am in my 30s). They have unofficially adopted him as their grandfather. They cook him meals, clean his house, visit with him and so on. He also cooks them meals and makes gifts (he used to be a carpenter by trade) for their kids and looks after their dogs when they are working. They have known him for many years and they even call him "grandpa". Their kids call him "great hrandpa". They are closer to him and know him better than I do. I am very grateful that they are in his life and that ie has such a wonderful support system in the form of his second familyA friend of mine has some mental disabilities that make daily life a struggle for her. An elderly lady has unofficially adopted my friend as her daughter (this lady's biological kids are grown and the same age) . This nice lady cooks and cleans for my friend when she is unable to. Invites her over to her house for all their family gatherings. Goes shopping and buys clothes for her etc. Worries about her constantly. Nags her to take better care of her health and so on. Just like with her own biological kids. Family is not limited to genetics. Family is whoever you have emotional ties and commitment to. You might find such ties if you visit a nursing home or retirement home and do some volunteer work. Over time you will get to know the residents and develop your own bond with them. but realize that elderly people are not all the same. I have worked in a nursing home and many of the residents were mean and abusive. Some due to mental illness, some due to the depression of being unable to cope with the aging process (like losing their independence and control of their bodily functions) and others were mean simply because they were always jerks their entire lives even when they were young (and as such their families want nothing to do with them now in their twilight years). My own grandmother was abusive and to be honest the entire family was relieved when she passed on. So just be aware that not all elderly people are loving or sociable. Often they may not bond with you unless you have won their trust. Finally I hope you realize that it was not selfish of your grandfather to take his own life. Suicide is not a selfish act. It is an act born of final resort desperation and extreme pain. It is unfair to call someone selfish for having taken their life (or tried to). Especially knowing your grandfather had survived the holocaust and had severe trauma as a result. You will never know half the psychological pain he did. It would be selfish of YOU to expect someone who is in unrelenting terrible pain (whether physical or mental) to continue to prolong it just because YOU want them around for your benefit. I speak from the perspective of someone who has lost friends to suicide and have managed to intervene in another situation. And then being with them on their journey back from the attempted suicide. Someone who commits suicide is not selfish, they did it because they were in terrible and unending pain. If you were in extreme pain such as from a terminal illness that has no reprieve you might very well end up trying to kill yourself out of desperation to get some relief
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (2 December 2013):
 It's not creepy at all OP!! I was extremely close to my grandpa; he meant everything to me and I was his life. I was even closer to him than with my mom because when I was small and my parents would go to work, he was the one who bathed me and fed me and took me to long walks and told me stories. He was a doctor, and a very well known doctor whom everyone was wary of, because he had a reputation of being one of the strictest, most disciplined people anyone had ever known. But to me, he was my everything. He was my friend...my best friend, my teacher, my parent, my guide. He passed away in 1995 and not a single day goes by when I don't think of him. I have tears in my eyes even as I type this because I still miss him so, so, so much.
I love old people too OP, I always have. Even as a kid, I was closer to both my paternal and maternal grandparents than to anyone else, so I can completely understand your feelings for old people.
Volunteer at a retirement home OP, that would be an amazing thing to do. You can give them so much love and happiness. I'm sure you'll find something in your area. This is a beautiful wish of yours, to want a grandfather, and I really hope your wish comes true. Because every girl should have a grandfather..and trust me, there's no better bond than a grandfather-granddaughter's bond. Its beautiful.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 My mother's father died well before I was born; my father's father and I overlapped six or seven years but he wasn't particularly approachable. My wife's grandparents, though, were still active and alert when I met them, and remained so for another almost 20 years. Her grandfather was something of a curmudgeon but we nonetheless got along well, and I was priviledged to know him.
So in addition to looking for a grandfather through volunteer efforts, you might get the opportunity to marry one.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (2 December 2013):
 I don't think it's creepy... like you I have no living grandparents and it felt very strange after my last surviving grandmother passed away last year. It's as though my family circle has somehow gotten much smaller; now it's really just my parents, my brothers, and me.
I also lost a grandfather (dad's dad) to suicide before I ever knew him, so I understand the havoc it can wreak on a family. I'm glad you have been able to make peace with what happened.
I would second the idea that if you wish to cultivate a grandfather figure in your life you might try volunteering at a retirement home. Also, I'm not sure what career path you are currently pursuing but it's clear you have a lot of kindness and compassion for the elderly. Have you considered studying nursing or training to become a professional caregiver? Many facilities hire "per diem" employees as well as full time, so you'd have the potential for a flexible schedule that would still leave you time to devote to singing. Just something else to think about.
Best wishes this holiday season :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2013):
 http://www.unitedway.org
http://www.mowaa.org
http://www.nfesh.org
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2013):
http://elderhelpers.org
I'll post more links as I find them.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2013):
Hi, I don't think you ever get over missing someone, but you can take action to fill the void in a healthy positive way.
http://www.volunteermatch.org
I never knew my paternal grandfather, in fact he died before my dad was born. It was due to medical complications, very sad for the family.
I wonder if this feeling of loss and need is due to your family dynamic and your feeling of being overlooked and judged by your family? I'm sure your grandfather would be happy that you reach out to try to make another elderly person happy.
When I visited my mother in law (she passed away this summer), I could see that the activities director was always looking for interesting things. Make contact and see if you could go sing for the holidays, maybe get a choir or band together. There are literally thousands of ways you could volunteer and dedicate to your grandfather.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): You are not crazy at all. My grandmother died when I was 9, but she never lived near me and she abused my father and his siblings, not one of them ever said something good about her later she died, so I don't think I missed out a lot. On my mother's side her adoptive mother died of cancer when she was 12 and I saw her birth mother twice, so I never had a grandmother so I know what you mean. most of my friends had/have grandparents who baked them cakes, told them stories and indulged them and I never did, but I don't think you are crazy at all, you can't have real grandparents but my friends at college they visit a nursing home, they bring the elderly people little gifts and they prepare a nice tea, play card games and listen to their stories, everybody loves it, some people who are there have been very neglected by their families and don't have much contact with people from outside so they love to receive visitors, specially young people so they can tell them about how things were in their time.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (2 December 2013):
Well I think you have this idea what it would be like to have a grandfather, but your idea isn't how it always is. I have one of my grandfathers around still, and I don't ever have to take care of him or anything, but I do love hearing all of his stories. Life was way different back in the day--he went through so much, he's been on his own since he ran away from home at 12 or something crazy!
Maybe you can volunteer at a retirement home? There's also an organization that I think can pair you up with an elderly person locally and you can help run errands for them and such. I thought about doing that recently--just have to take the steps to do it! Just Google it and I'm sure you'll find something.
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