A
female
age
30-35,
*asidhe89
writes:I am 28 years old. My parents have been divorced since I was a child. Both of my parents have had poor health for as long as I can remember -- extreme obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart issues, and so on.As I grew up, I watched my father experience several emergency health issues; when I was a teenager, he nearly lost his life due to an aorta rupturing next to his heart, and had to have open heart surgery.I watched my mother experience health issues as well, albeit they have progressed more slowly.Growing up, I was also obese. I simply was not raised with the tools or knowledge one needs to live a healthy lifestyle. At a certain point, in my early 20s -- partially in the hopes to inspire my parents -- I decided it was time to take full responsibility for my own health. In a few years, I lost about 100 lbs and have since maintained a healthy weight. After losing the weight, I became vegetarian, and then more recently vegan. I practiced yoga, and strength training.Unfortunately, these changes did not inspire my parents to make any healthy changes of their own. They're quite set in their ways.Three years ago, my father was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer. I attended almost all of his chemotherapy sessions for the next year or so, until eventually he lost the battle for his life. I spent the last week of his life with him, at home, 24/7, barely even leaving to get the groceries I needed. It was extremely difficult to watch my dad, whom I love very much, who was always so strong, suffer so much and lose his dignity, and all of the little freedoms that we take for granted. But I'm grateful that I was able to spend that time with him.My mother's health continues to decline. She just recently had her second toe amputation due to her diabetes. She is constantly fighting infections. She is over 300 lbs and has no interest in making healthy dietary changes. She also takes Xanax and oxycodone (prescribed, but I recently found out that she is getting her pain pills from a pain clinic). She was recently diagnosed with Stage II kidney failure. She has congestive heart failure, COPD, and vaginal bleeding that the doctors cannot explain. She is in and out of the hospital, and most recently the ICU because she stopped responding, and then stopped breathing. The doctors suspect it was related to the pain medication and relaxers she takes -- she had a build up of carbox dioxide and her body lost the physical desire to breathe.I love my mom, but lately I am feeling intense anger at the choices she makes, particularly dietary ones, that negatively impact her health. She hates fruit. She won't eat most vegetables. She hates cooking. She really only eats processed foods and "sugar-free" sweets/beverages, and the occasional vegetable. Because of her congestive heart failure and COPD it's too difficult for her to even walk around for any longer than 1-2 minutes. She HAS to make changes to her diet first. (And to clarify, I have never asked her, or even HOPED for her, to go vegan. I only wish she would eat a "clean" diet that eliminates processed foods.)I do not take my anger out on my mom, at least I try my best not to. I call her as often as possible (sometimes several times a day). I try to be her advocate in any medical institutions she stays in. I take time off work to visit her whenever she ends up in the hospital (she lives three hours away from me, and I am relatively new at my current job and cannot take FMLA like I did with my dad). I know I will regret it later, if I'm not supporting her and loving her as much as I can. I am also trying to convince her to come live with me and my boyfriend, but she resists this idea. As an aside, my boyfriend is amazing, and supportive of this -- in fact he is the one who suggested it. (I admit, I do worry how her living with us would affect our relationship... but I will just hope for the best...) I don't have any siblings who can help. I have an older half brother on my mom's side, but he is suffering from depression, not financially well off, just went through a nasty divorce and has two kids, and honestly, resents our mom, therefore doesn't call or visit her very often. Also, I am still young, and positively drowning in student loan debt, and so I don't have the means to quit working and be a caregiver full-time, as much as I would like to.I'm angry that I am only 28 and may become an orphan.I'm angry that my dad (and perhaps also my mom) won't be there during so many important life events (marriage, children, etc.). I still struggle with the thought that my dad will never walk me down the aisle...I'm angry at myself, that I've been so ineffective at inspiring any changes in my parents, even though I try to lead by example. I feel powerless, and disappointed in myself.I'm angry (and this is maybe what I'm most ashamed of, because I hate the idea of thinking of myself as a victim) AT my parents, because it feels that they choose to do this to themselves, and subsequently, to me...Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for so much in my life... I don't see myself as a victim (well, MOST of the time, anyway, to be 100% honest)... But I really need some advice on how to handle this situation with my mom, and how to deal with this deep-seated, and growing, anger that I have.Thank you for reading...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): You have every reason in the world to be angry, and believe it or not there are millions of others whom can relate to what your going through so I suggest you channel that anger and create a blog, a social media platform etc... share your experiences, (your climb, your goals, your weaknesses, your accomplishments even your anger). You’re not alone! Sadly there are others in your situation right now who haven’t even reached out and may be in a much darker place. Helping you to understand who you are may help others find their own identity too or at the very least learn it’s ok to feel a certain way. Society is changing, having to be socially acceptable isn’t what it once was, nowadays there’s more positivity in coping with our feelings when confronted with them.
You truly have my upmost respect for expressing yourself here today and for making such strides with conquering self discipline and will power, that’s magnificent. My sincerest condolences for the loss of your dad. Your mom I will pray for her health and for you I will pray to God to guide you through this. Your mother may or may not know how you’re feeling, maybe she’s afraid of the unknown, maybe she’s on the cusp of making a change but at the end of the day she first has to want to change and second, decide when that day to change will come. All you can really do is keep on loving her and let her know how you feel. There should be no regrets if nothing is left unspoken. “You do you” as they say... you strike me as the kind of person that would be good at it and I mean that as a compliment.
Regards
NT
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (20 September 2017):
The older you are, the harder is for you to change your habits. Your mother and father were way beyond the line where it's almost impossible to change, and that's not your fault.To handle the situation with your mother, I Strongly advice you to go to therapy, because it's seems like you need help to find ways to cope with your mother's sickness and lack of interest to change her bad habits, as well as that anger and resentment you have.You see, your parents didn't decided to get sick just to make you feel miserable, the problem with your parents is that they weren't able to be smart enough to make the healthy decisions every adult should take by themselves. It's not your fault they chose very wrong decisions.You see, specially in the US, over 60% of it's citizens are obese/overweight. It's a political , economical and cultural problem , that it's killing thousands of persons like your father every year.Eating healthy in the US is expensive as hell. I can't get around my head why is one large bag of chips costs as much as one single avocado, if not cheaper. Junk and fast foods are everywhere, they are cheap, don't take a lot of time to get or prepare, and are full of sugars and fats. Companies in the US make millions selling sh*t that kills and make people sick, and they will keep selling that crap until people are smart enough to stop buying that. So, if healthy food is very expensive, that 60% of Americans went the fast food route, that ends up killing them of having them get diabetes or things like that.DON'T EXPECT YOUR MOTHER TO CHANGE. Her problems are very bad, and she drank the entire Kool Aid of eating cheap crap food, and now it's impossible for her to change her mindset. Think of her as a smoker that has just been diagnosed with lung cancer, but just can't quit smoking to buy a few months of life. THE ONLY THING YOU CAN CONTROL IS YOURSELF. You need to learn to forgive your parents, and try to understand what lead them to make poor health choices, and also take into account the business model of the guys that give them easy access to that crap food and deprived them of a good nutrition education/awareness. You need to learn to accept the whole problem as it is, and drop any guilt or anger you have, because it's not going to do you good, and may get you sick too. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, AND IT WAS NOT YOUR PARENT'S INTENTION TO MAKE YOU SUFFER. NO SANE PARENT WILL INTENTIONALLY GET SICK AND DIE JUST TO HARM THEIR CHILDREN.Please find a good therapist to help you handle this situation, and help you in your path to forgiveness. The least think you want to have right know is anger against your mother. You need to make every moment count and be meaningful while she is in this world with you, so stop wasting your time and energy on hate and regrets.Best luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2017): Maybe you should deal with who your mom is rather than trying to change her.I have lost both parents young but I never judged their lifestyle I loved them unconditional and that is how they loved me.Maybe spend time enjoying her and loving her and your life will be better.Do you want your last memory with her of her being sad because you judge her?Accept her the way she is and just stop with the judgement.Your memories will then be happy.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (20 September 2017):
 Im so sorry to hear this. I am 27 and I lost my parents within a year, both due to poor health choices. My mom reluctantly died of cancer after a few months of diagnosis. I eas devastated, she also by choice did not have chemo. I was also very angry at her for her choices and esp for my relationship with her. My father is someone I never loved, he was a perpetual bully as i grew up but he had tremendous health problems and died this spring. I have felt enormous anger at them and often times felt I could have save my mom if i had been able to convince her to try chemo. But honey at end of day its all in past. You can only be you. When my mom was dying I knew I had 3 choices. To force her but she didnt allow it. To be angry and leave her to die. Or to love her and make her transition to death a lot easier. I chosed the third option. It was hard but she died surrounded by family and with love.
My answer for you is that you cant change anyone but yourself. Because we love others we see what is best for them. But you have understand you can only do what you can. So let it go. Support her in other ways. If you cannot change her diet maybe push her out for a walk. Talk to her, make her laugh, suggest walks to farmers market to maybe pique her interest in vegetables. If nothing works, a family intervention may be needed. Dont be angry at yourself.
The only way i got over my anger was perspective. I talked to my family, to my friends, to everyone about my feelings and they all said same thing, it wasnt your fault and it never was. They were who they are bfore you born. Let it go and learn from it
Through hearing i was able see -- REALLY see that I was never at fault and yes nor were my parents. So my advice to you is to let it go by talking to others, to share share share ! To open up your heart, tell your mom how you feel but by actively showing her. Cry laugh smile be frustrated with her. Talk to your boyfriend, coworkers, friends, cousims ...open up and let every one know your concerns, trust me you will gain perspective and objectiveness that will alloe you to move forward.
Your posts hits so close home and i feel your pain. Do what you can do , the rest is up to mom but just know you did what you can and yes that can be enough. Talk to everyone, yes even seek therapy if you can, write a diary, this will all help. I wish you all best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): There is a very strong chance that you are actually depressed and could use some bereavement counselling.Very deep depression can be very difficult to live with and anger is a step up from it.Anger gives you the energy to do things and depression takes the energy away.So I could imagine your mind has skipped a gear from depression to anger so that you can cope!However the underlying depression is still there in its hidden form and it will stay there until you deal with it.So book bereavement counselling because one day you will have to function without anger and you will be ready to collapse with the burden.At least with anger you feel like you are doing something but under the guidance of anger it might not be the correct decisions to make.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 September 2017):
 Oh sweetheart. Sending you a big big hug. You sound so overwhelmed by this, and no wonder.
First of all, I have to say a big WELL DONE to you for not following in your parents' footsteps with the health problems. You ARE an inspiration but to people who actually WANT to lead a healthy life. Have you thought about getting involved in helping others to do as you did? After all, you are living proof of the benefits and there is nothing more inspiring than seeing someone who has "been there, done that".
As you know, you cannot FORCE anyone to do anything they have no wish to do, even if there is absolutely no question it would help them. Short of cooking healthy meals for your mother when you are with her, and showing her that she can enjoy healthy eating, you cannot control what she chooses to eat. Who does her shopping for her? Is there any way you could influence what is bought? Or would your mother simply over-rule this and still do her own thing? Could you get anyone to come in and make your mother healthier meals?
Have you tried telling your mum how sad you are at the thought that you will probably not be able to share future events in your life with her? How you are afraid of being left without her? If you have and she still cannot find the strength to try to save herself, then all you can do is your best for her when you are with her.
Your boyfriend sounds wonderful. Lean on him when you feel overwhelmed.
Sending you another hug because I really don't know what else to say.
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