A
male
age
36-40,
*ovember_rain
writes:Hi,OK first of all, I'd love to introduce myself by name but unfortunately the idea of me posting on here is to remain anonymous!I'm a 25 year old man from the UK. I have a reasonably OK job, I look good, dress well, drive a nice car and I'm very easy to get on with. I generally get on with everyone I meet these days, and members of the opposite will often tell me what I nice/good guy I am.My problem is pretty much as the title says!I am able to talk to girls/women and be very chatty and friendly, but that is all I am able to do. Despite my best efforts over the past 18 months, since posting on here previously, I STILL can't just walk up to a girl and start talking to her in a nightclub/bar environment.Don't get me wrong, I have "passed the time of day", for example cracked a joke or something while standing at the bar but that's about it.In November I joined an online dating site. It was a very slow start but eventually got chatting to several girls on there. The vast majority of them were either strange and/or not my type, or more usually, not interested in me. I have been on a couple of dates which went well but nothing happened past the first date. I would either never see them again or they would say they thought of me more as a friend or a brother than anything else.I believe this is down to my complete inexperience at dating, and not knowing where to begin. I talk to them as I would a friend, which I don't think is entirely wrong, but I never know whether I should kiss them, touch them in any way, whether there's a certain way I should look at them, whether I should hold her hand... all of these things!I have no idea because I've never done it before. The fact is, they see someone who is 25 and think, "there's someone with a bit of experience" and then get a 15 year old.Now I'm not a nervous wreck, but I'm certainly anxious about this and it may reflect in my behaviour a little.So, problem one I guess is how to get girls. Problem two is the fact that I'm a virgin. I believe this to be a major problem. I know that people out there will say that it actually isn't a big deal, but let's be honest! This is 2010. The vast majority of people lose their virginity well before they reach 20/21. Most of my friends have been trading "hilarious" sex stories and I've felt like the 40 year old virgin - think the "bag of sand" scene where they all find out he's a virgin! I can't even make this stuff up!That doesn't concern me greatly, but what does is the fact that, even if I DID meet someone, she is bound to think it odd that I have never had a relationship or sex in my life. Even if she sees nothing wrong with me as a person, she may think I wouldn't be able to deliver the goods in the bedroom department! To be quite honest, she would probably be able to tell I'm a virgin anyway; I know I have been rumbled in the past and have learned to deal with the stupidity of other people asking such personal questions.I know I'm probably asking to be slated on here for saying these things, but really I just want an honest opinion from women around my age - what do you think? Would you date a guy like me? What am I doing wrong that causes women to only ever see me as a friend?Input from male counterparts would also be valuable. I'd like to know how you go about making the switch from "friend" to "girlfriend".OK, I hope I didn't appear to come across as being too negative about myself, but I need your help!Thanks in advance!
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never had a girlfriend, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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male
reader, november_rain +, writes (19 May 2010):
november_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I thought I'd replied but it doesn't appear to be here!
I'd just like to thank you all once again for your help and advice!
I have a lot to think about... hopefully things will start to pick up pretty quickly! It's just difficult to see it now!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Hey there. If you scroll down in the same category, you will find my question. I'm 22 and also a virgin, never had a boyfriend yet. I did kiss guys, like you kissed girls, but for some reason, things never got rolling, did it?To be honest I would love to have a guy like you because we're in the same boat and probably have similar values. I hate it when guys get all clingy at the first date, because it makes me uncomfortable. So if you talk to girls like you would talk to a friend, let me tell you, nothing would me more ideal. Well, to me anyway. I think it also depends on how you present yourself. If you have this cloud hovering above you with the silent but ever so clear "DATE ME!" girls are going to be turned off. So maybe be a bit more 'loose' about it. I mean, you're 25 and unlike the 15 year old you compare yourself with you are independent, have your own life and you will probably not cling to a relationship like a lifejacket because you know a breakup is unlikely to cause the Apocalypse ;-)I like guys who are at ease with themselves. Those who invite you, are nice to you, show they're interested, yet also show they're faring just fine without a relationship. This attitude should make you more relaxed and less prone to mess up because of anxiety. Another thing to consider: don't tell the girl your life story right off the bat. Some people do this and it scares others off. Always give her something to wonder about. Be open, but don't put all your cards on the table. Maybe instead of meeting girl in a pub or restaurant, you could do something else instead. Maybe your favorite sport, hobby, anything that makes her think "wow, that was interesting." I like it when guys are creative. Anyway, I don't know how much of a help I've been, since I'm in the same boat. Just remember there are girls like me out there, who probably keep their mouth shut because they're ashamed, just like you.
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A
male
reader, november_rain +, writes (17 May 2010):
november_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, it seems easier said than done I think. I can never "dare myself" to do it for some reason! That's how the "well, bye..." thing happens! I know exactly when I should seize the opportunity, but it just doesn't happen!
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A
male
reader, november_rain +, writes (17 May 2010):
november_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi marieclaire,
I think the problem I've always had is doing this without stuttering or going red and generally becoming really embarrassed. I also seem to fear rejection but I am trying to overcome all of this.
I'd ask someone at work, but I feel like I'll make a fool of myself and everyone will find out. Or I'll get a date but then she'll realise I'm too inexperienced for her and again her female friends will hear!
Sounds stupid I know!
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A
male
reader, november_rain +, writes (17 May 2010):
november_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all I'd like to thank you all for your answers!
In response to the second female reader, how do I go about being "more aggressive"? Believe it or not I have flirted with girls before, but I find it more awkward in a first date environment.
I think what I'm trying to say is this:
I can flirt with a girl I've just met alright, but this never works on nights out if I have to go and find them.
I can't make the transition from flirting to actually asking her out, so the conversation usually ends something like, "Well, bye...", and I go away kicking myself.
Funnily enough I can ask someone out online, but not face to face, and this is how the online dating has helped me to go on a date. But then I feel a little more awkward in the date situation; I might not know the girl as well, and even if I've been talking to her for weeks, I find flirting to be more awkward and don't feel it's appropriate.
Does that make sense?
I really want to sort this out!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): awwww stop being so hard on yourself and just relax..girls dont like anxious guys because it makes us anxious..be a little more agressive so they wont see you as a friend..flirt!!!!! read body language girls use that to tell you when u should make a move...dont think a girl is going to kno ur a virgin or dont kno what your doing ...act like you do have experince ...gain confidence in yourself and they will notice...dont tell them your a virgin!!!! atleast until your in a relationship
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Well for one thing you don't make the switch from "friend" to "girlfriend" at all.
When you meet a woman you need to pick one or the other direction to take things right from day one. Or at least not very long after day one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Personally I would prefer to know my man has never been with anyone else. So that's answer number one. Just because youre a virgin doesn't mean you should worry all about giving a woman a good time in bed. It's about a physical, mental, and emotional connection. Having waited this long, whether by choice or not, sex has probably ended up meaning more to you than just a good time in bed for a breif time and nothing else.Secondly, you have to get there. In my opinion you sound like a normal, dateable guy, you just haven't met the right person. Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks. Putting yourself out there physically is step one, but I sense that you may not be fully letting go mentally so you can have a chance to actually connect with someone.Starting off the conversation as friends is fine, but sprinkle in something to let her know you think she's special, or that you like her. You'll have to have a feel for it, and it could take practice, so don't throw everything on the table at once. Just be sweet and genuine. Be you.
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