A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, first time speaking out about all this, here goes:I'm 23 and a virgin, never been in a relationship/kissed/etc. I'm a college graduate, starting up grad school soon. I have a few female friends, but they're either in relationships or 'just friends'. one in particular, however, seems in more or less the same boat as myself. That being: met her/started hanging out a lot over the last year, and one day she said 'i dont know about our relationship/we see each other like every day...' or something like that, and since then nothing has changed. Before that, though, I thought there was something potentially there for a possible relationship, but me being so insecure about it all and so completely inexperienced, didn't know how to help things progress and move 'to the next level', or at least try to. that's what a big part of my problem is: the ability to acknowledge that something might be there, and being able to act on it. perhaps i have waited too long, and then succumbed to the 'friend zone' (which sucks). My lack of experience is extremely frustrating.I also think a big part of it was due to the fact that I was substantially overweight until after freshman year of college, at what point I lost about 80 pounds, down to about 190. due to being so fat, I never had a lot of self-confidence and self-esteem, and contrary to what you might think, it doesn't just show up once you get more in shape. I still don't really have a lot of self-confidence, and that doesn't help at all in this particular situation. I know it's all about confidence, but i just can't seem to be able to EVER find a girl that will end up in a relationship, which is what i want more than any thing else. at 23, and seeing all my friends having at least 'hooked up' and/or in relationships, makes it only worse. and if i do find someone, i feel really pathetic in that i wouldn't be able to really gauge her interest in me, unless i outright said "i've never been in a relationship before, so i dont know what i'm doing". it bothers me every single day and I need to find a way to remedy this situation......aghhhhany suggestions?
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female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (21 August 2008):
 you had courage to post that so their is no stopping you from going out their and flirting with any girl or asking a girl for her number or a drink.. you can do this you just have to choose to go out their and do it. good luck aphex xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the responses everyone....the part that makes me the most frustrated is how it seems that in order to figure this all out and actually make things happen, i have to basically....well, it reminds me of the concept of throwing a kid in the deep end of the pool to get him to learn how to swim without having any kind of prior experience in the pool....i should be able to just suck it up and figure out my own shit but this seems like something that is extremely challenging for me....i almost didn't post this initial question here, since i figured the answers would basically just be 'get out there and DO IT!' not that those are bad suggestions;really, they're the only real answers....i just wish there was some way to magically *have* the self esteem and confidence to take care of business. sigh....
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A
female
reader, ashlea +, writes (20 August 2008):
well personally i thhink u should tell her that u have never kissed a girl etc, cause my bf's still a virgin + he told me before i got with him. Its best to tell her so that she knows and then take it from there.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (20 August 2008):
i know how you feel it is frustrating, but the thing is just to be confident in yourself tell yourself all of your amazing qualities, and their are people out their who want to be in a relationship with you.. your not pathetic or a looser just either one of the two has happened their hasnt been that opertunity or you have let them go by without acting on them. if you want a relationship you have to see if a girl is interested in you see if they give you signs ie flirting or lots of touching. you mention your friend she may have wanted something but you never took her out and said you like her more than a friend and wanted to know if she felt the same..theirs nothing to be ashamed about some people in their thirties havent been on a date but thats for some sort of reason..your reason is your not putting yourself out their because you are letting your self esteem an what not get in the way.. be positive and think someone does want you but you cant let them do all the work you have to meet them 50% 50%.. hope this helps good luck aphex xx
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (20 August 2008):
i know how you feel it is frustrating, but the thing is just to be confident in yourself tell yourself all of your amazing qualities, and their are people out their who want to be in a relationship with you.. your not pathetic or a looser just either one of the two has happened their hasnt been that opertunity or you have let them go by without acting on them. if you want a relationship you have to see if a girl is interested in you see if they give you signs ie flirting or lots of touching. you mention your friend she may have wanted something but you never took her out and said you like her more than a friend and wanted to know if she felt the same..theirs nothing to be ashamed about some people in their thirties havent been on a date but thats for some sort of reason..your reason is your not putting yourself out their because you are letting your self esteem an what not get in the way.. be positive and think someone does want you but you cant let them do all the work you have to meet them 50% 50%.. hope this helps good luck aphex xx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (20 August 2008):
I think you are just going to have to stop thinking about it and get on with action.
You need to figure out where you stand with your friend. If you have feelings for her but she doesn't have them for you then she could be holding you back. You just have to take her out to a restaurant and tell her how you want more than friendship. You risk losing her as a friend but if you do then it will mean you have to go out and meet more girls rather than spending all your time with her.
No girl you meet is going to compare you to your friends, just because they are in relationships. That is very silly. After all, she is single so what right does she have to judge you for being the same. It makes no sense.
Don't tell girls that you have not been in a relationship before. It is not a good chat up line, and they will wonder why other girls must have rejected you in the past. Perhaps you are a serial killer? That's not worth the risk of finding out that it's not that because of an ongoing weight confidence thing.
Just go out and chat to girls. You should have had plenty of time observing body language of dating couples so put that time to work. Flirt with them and see what happens. Pay them compliments. Ask them out on a date.
And when you do get a girl to go out with you then don't tell them you've not had a relationship before. You can say that you have not had much experience, but if you say that they are going to be your "FIRST LOVE" then that puts a lot of pressure on them not to accidentally break you.
Relax, meet new people, and just take a chance or two, don't over think.
Good Luck!! xx
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